♥Daily Blog: I'm Glad

"How's he been?" I asked.

"Pretty happy. I have piano class about 20 minutes before his class starts, so we would piano together."

I smiled sadly to myself. Indeed...I'm glad that he's happy, but at the same time, I'm a bit sad.

Well, what do I expect? Him being sad? lol, he doesn't love me anymore, why would he be sad? Why would he pursue his way to be with me?

It hurts, it hurts a lot but...

I must have done a favor for him, then. Perhaps with this relationship gone, he can be happier than when he was with me.

I mean, sure..he and I have our ups and downs but...I'm usually happy being with him anyway...

However...he, on the other hand, is happier without me.

I just smiled, feeling empty but...at least somewhere inside my heart...i am okay, for he is happy.

I mean...for the past weeks...I don't act as though I'm happy...yet I don't show my sadness either...

But then...it does show on my face from time to time.

And...I can't believe I'm crying right now...dang...haven't cried in weeks =/

I guess I can't lie to myself about how i truly feel.

lol He seems pretty happy...welps...

I guess i gotta cancel the driving thing with him...

After all...it might just pain me more to see him.

As for piano, he's been quite interested in it lately. Other than pain from loving him, I also feel a damage to my self-esteem.

Here I am, WANTING to find time to succeed in piano, having a tremendous passion for music...

Yet, he's doing better than I can ever do.

How would he feel if I do better in business than he does?

I admire his talent, but at the same time, he carries an image that I'm desperately trying to reach.

It's very romantic to see a guy teaching a girl something...a couple playing piano together...

However, I don't have that.

By all means, knowing that he's happy eases my worries about him.
Yet at the same time, I start to cry again.

I regret so much...regret trusting him in handling me gently, trusting him to not hurt me intentionally...

He's happy, which means that being without me is good.

If there's anything at all...anything that can take this regret away...

That would be him feeling what I feel for the past weeks. Because then, at least I know that he loves me somewhere...at least i know that he does have a desire to fix something...

No, as much as I'm dying to see him...I cannot allow myself to. I need my cd back, perhaps that can be my last time seeing him.

But he's happy without me, so he doesn't need to see me.

In the relationship, only one of us loves truly and that one is me.

The one who will move on is him. Though life continues to go on, my feelings for him haven't changed and will not.

I lost my future already...i lost where I want to be...I lost where I dream to be..

It's too late now. I'm almost graduating high school, and I haven't accomplished anything. Piano? no. novel? no.

And wait, what about the beautiful life i imagined having with him? Such lies. He lied to me, and I lied to myself.

My grades from junior year to senior year...they've been affected by him..

Two years of my high school...rather than gaining something good from putting him first in my life,

I instead lose something.