♥Daily Blog: Yo, let's delete.

"Hey...Tuan told me that he saw you at Volcano Tea while he was with two girls, is that true?"

Suddenly, all the tiredness from my eyes went away. A dagger was shot through my heart, my breathing grew heavier, and my head started to hurt.

I immediately typed up a message to him but...I never pressed the "enter" button. Instead. I deleted every word.

"No, Jen. You're better than this," I told myself.

Though I don't consider Charlie as my friend, I thank him for the times I need help getting things to Tuan (such as the Christmas present and certain messages)

I've been blaming myself and beating myself up for the past weeks. To think that I would love him forever...it would be for nothing.

He once made me happy, and a part of me will forever remember that. But I need to open my eyes now and understand that who he used to be is no longer standing before me.

There is no love. He doesn't love me, period. What he told Charlie...could be a joke...or it could be real. But either way, however, nothing good comes from it.

If it's a joke, it's not even a nice one and it insults me. If it's not a joke and is real, well, there's my answer.

Either way, he doesn't love me. For the past year...especially the past few weeks, I've been always saying good things about him. I compliment him to other people, etc.

But to see him doing this, it shows a lot. I made eye contact with him and walked away? Well, what's there to talk about then?

And say that if he wasn't joking...well, i have nothing else to say on that.

"He told me that he doesn't plan on getting a gf anytime soon" means that he will get a gf in the future anyway.

In a way, he doesn't plan on getting back together with me. All I have ever asked of him was to be honest and understand my feelings. If he can do that, then he does love me. If he can do that, I would be happy like I used to be.

I made the biggest mistake for revealing my body to him. He doesn't even plan on being with me; he was just using me. Well, maybe.

The things he tell to his friend...I am always surprised hearing those things. Maybe he should find out the things I tell to my friend and my mother. All I ever said about him were good things.

I must be foolish to think that this time apart will make him think.

I know I'm not necessarily the best gf in the world, but I do try my best. I know he dislikes my behavior a lot but...

I thought he could tolerate that; I thought that he loves me and would see that i'm very hurt and behave in ways that i do not wish to behave.
After all, I'm always happy seeing him...always eager to see him.

Problems don't prevent me from loving him.

I was...sincerely willing to fix a part of me for him...welll...i was doing that until i found out he lied to me.

Either way...with him or without him, I will become a better person. It's no longer my business for what he does with other girls; it's just like him anyway. Like last year.

But I'm different. I'll break down every once in a while, but I won't be suicidal. No, no more. Dude, I'm graduating hs...going to college soon. I'm lost in my life already...

I gave up many things for a guy I truly love...for guy who doesn't even love me.
I gave up so much, and he will never realize how much I gave up for him...he will never realize that...

I just wish he would appreciate that and love me for that. Instead, while I'm stressing out on deciding where to go, what to do, and what to do next...

He's just doing his own thing, hurting me in the process. Of all the money he spent on me...he can't even buy to fix my grades, can he?

But, he doesn't love me. And if he doesn't, fine. Honestly I've given a lot of thought in the many things i do.

For the mistakes that I did, I am indeed truly sorry for them.

I'll prove it to him though...one day he'll say, that I do mean what i say on becoming a better person.

Of course, I was trying to be a better person for him after he told me that he's being alone and honest and stuff...

But now...just because he's gone doens't mean that I can't be a better person for myself.

Not only does he find my behavior at times to be difficult and unlikable, but I also hate myself for behaving that way. Sometines I get so mad...but eh...i thought he is okay with me being mad sometimes..i mean..

We can't help but be mad sometimes, right? Sometimes we have so much going on with our lives...and then someone you love does something that hurts you...and yeah..

We all have those times.

Where I'm heading on who I am...I'm kinda glad to see the improvement. My motto is to calm down and breathe. If I must type, type it all out, then read it over and see if it's meant to be sent.

I was willing to change anyway...and i will change because i can see my flaws.

He can stay around or don't stay around. But...after hearing what happened..after hearing what he said...

I realized that there's no chance for him and me to be together again.

I'm sure that if a guy really loves you and wants to be with you, he would put himself out there and focus on changing your mind.

I made a mistake, and I regret. I tried to get him back last time, what a fool i've been. I love him that much, though...

Yup...heyy at least i can't deny myself from loving him, right? I mean...i tried so hard...lol

I should have taken my teacher's advice instead. "Leave it as it is. After experiencing and hearing a lot of these things, I realized that it's best to stay where you are. Yes, you love him, but does he love you? To be sure, wait and see. If he comes back to you, you'll know."

Instead, I totally tried and pursued. After getting back with him, I realized that my goal was to show him that I was willing to change. I didn't mean to hurt him.

I stopped criticizing him, but then other flaws showed up.

If there's one thing he should know, well...all those flaws of mine were never intended to hurt him. As long as I never intended to hurt him, I truly love him.

He's not planning to get back with me but he will get a girlfriend in the future.

I can sit here and cry or I can swallow the pain and wish him "good luck"

hey...he never loved me right? besides...two girls eh?

So sick and tired of dealing with this girl issue. Heck yeah...i shouldn't even be dealing with this while in a relationship anyway rofls

"There's something you do which might cause him to lose interest."

Well, he never truly love me then, since there's still "interest" involved.