♥Daily Blog: Rainy Day

I usually smile; even when I'm very depressed, I still smile.

So what happened today?

Apparently, I really don't know.

I was just overly depressed then. Maybe that's why...keeping emotions all bottled up made me this way.

At least...the way i express it is somewhat different.

I have changed...and to me, I think I've changed for the better.
After all, I normally would burst out or something when I'm overly filled with emotions...

However this time...I stayed quiet, and when I spoke out some things, I spoke in a calm and monotone-ish voice.

Well...at least...nothing bad right..

He only cared about his senior year, but not mine. Why didn't i say that to him? I guess that even if i did say that, he would just deny it.

Sure, he did do a lot of things for me...however, that doens't mean that he should stop, right?

To be honest, I rather have the amazing guy and have all those past events settled...I rather have him realize...i rather have him see what i see...

I rather have that amazing guy than all the materials being offered to me.

Because...materials don't make me happy for long..

However, with the amazing guy, I will be happy forever...and even when there are downs...the amazing guy will put more effort in making things better...

And he'll appreciate the things I do for him...

I realized that even when I'm improving myself better for him, he hasn't changed. I still haven't found the amazing guy in him.

And he still texts.

He likes ppl to trust him...he likes honesty...

So why can't he be honest with me as I have been with him? Text.

Actually...somehow...I've given up...i'm hurt but...i don't do anything now...

It's as though I've done so much...and no matter how much i improve, i still can't find that part of him.

Even though I continue to do things for him, nothing will be better if he doesn't find that part of him again.

So I have a question, and it got me thinking.

If I were to attempt suicide again (just an example and thought), would he still act like he did back then?

Would he call me a gazillion times...cry...and soothe me?

Or would he just *sigh* and then sign off?

An interesting question indeed that does determine how much his love has changed, how much his love has died out.

January is ending soon...and i'm....really sad...

And he's not going to settle anything...even when i mentioned "you're going back to school" he says nothing, and he doesn't seem to care.

I'm not going to have any letters or creative ideas from him for valentine's day this year, huh?

Should I just end it before things get worse...

I mean...even though I've become someone better for him right now, nothing's changed.

He just doesn't want to be with me.