♥Daily Blog: Falling Down (Pt.2), Reaching Out

I came home and saw that he signed on.

A message without "I love you" or "Ily"

It looks like all my life, i'm going to have to say certain things, or else i won't receive them in return.

Then again...what's the meaning if he did say that? All those times when he and i put many hearts after ily's have proven nothing.

Anyway, I'm breaking down right now. My life is falling apart.

I've had enough of life, enough of everyone.

I sat in the corner of my church, crying. I no longer get to drive to church for choir every morning now. I can't participate in choir anymore...

I wish i can legally drive and drive well.
With no ride, i can't go anywhere.

Furthermore, my parents claim me as independent, so they get no tax returns for me.

I'm moving out....i can't deal with this anymore...

I hate going home, getting a headache from things i don't want to be part of...

Whether i'll survive outside or not...i leave that up to fate...

Love. I've never received the kind of love i need. No one loves me...no one loves me in the way i wish to be loved..

In the end, i thought that someone out there loves me, i thought that he loves me...but he doesn't...

He's going back to school....and knowing that he won't ever change so he can be with me...
i realized that he never loved me

"Sometimes we're wrong, and we need to change," the priest said.

So why can't the person i love realize that? I've done everything i can to be a good person in morals...i've done everything i can to prove that my love is real....

I don't belong here, I don't belong in this world.

I can't take anything anymore......

i have always been considerate....
I've always been considerate of my mother's feelings, giving up the places i want to go and the things i want to do since she never wants to drive me anywhere...

I've always been considerate of my lover's feelings, giving my full faithfulness because i know that he'd want me to be faithful. I've taken up actions of the man since he never takes manly actions himself.

I'll say ily first, knowing that he won't say it. I'll smile, knowing that it's the only way to keep the relationship at peace.

But in the end..i'm taken for granted.

He's going back to school, and if he's not going to change, i have to let him go to pursue his happiness since i'm not his happiness.
If i were his happiness, he would change and be with me...

But seeing how he's not going to change, i have to give him what he wants...

Because obviously, there's just so much that i can take and....

Basically, if he's not going to change, if nothing is settled....

I have to accept his answer....

He never wanted to be with me. If he does, just stop stop stop pursuing other girls.....
because i can't fucken be with someone who doesn't even want to be with me...

He's not even satisfied with one lady......

I'm literally crying, banging my fists on the desk.....not wanting to live in this life but knowing that i have to.

For family to friends and to lover....

I'm never appreciated, i'm never loved....

of all the things that i've done for them....

i can never get at least one thing from each of them....

I want parents who, even if they don't get along with me, to at least look at me as a young adult who can make her own choices.

I want a best friend who is also my lover...and i want that person to truly love me...and to at least realize what i want him to realize, especially since he and i have made it this far...

Before I made out with this guy and did other things with him...i thought hard...i had to be sure that he's the one who will be with me forever...

But now everything's falling apart.

I've always been the one doing too much...

This year...my lover will leave me because he never loved me in the first place
This year...i'll be moving out and might end up living on the streets or get an apartment and then be killed.

I'll be dying this year...

To give love...to give energy...

in the end....everyone's just using me for their own benefits...

in my heart, i wish that i have at least my lover...someone who loves me and would change to the person i knew in him...

But it's impossible....

And seeing that he didn't leave an "i love you"

i realized that...he doesn't want to be with me.