♥Daily Blog: Endurance

It was an interesting day....

I treated him to Buca de Beppo and there was so much food that he had to to-go it.
Then I bought him a wallet....
I must say that it looks perfect to me. It had a divider, two zipper places, and about 10 card pockets.

And the leather is really soft.

I hope he will use it well...

I guess by now, even if there is someone reading this...which i doubt...
But I'm pretty sure that if there's a stranger reading this...he or she will probably realize that I really love my guy a lot.

I'm beginning to learn how to smile even when I'm sad...
Throughout the day today....even when tears come out...I bit my lip and stopped the tears from coming.
It was hard...but...I had to smile...

It was extremely difficult for me to say "Shall we end it by the end of January...?" and smile at the same time.

I guess he feels that I really want to by the tone of my voice...but...little does he know....

I was trying to keep myself from breaking down when I said those words...

I do not want it, but...with the things that are temporary set aside...eventually they'll come back and....I'm afraid that I can't handle it.

If he's not willing to understand me...he really doesn't love me a lot...
And that's why I would say that he doesn't want to be with me....he just doesnt' want enough...

I feel that myself alone...cannot be all that he desires...

He makes me feel this way and that's why...I feel that he doesn't want me.

He's still lying to me...and...it's just that simple...he hasn't changed back to the person who used to be there.

There is no gray area...only black and white. Clearly...he keeps going to the gray area...

I've had a fun time with him today...and I wish that that is who he really is...i wish that...there aren't any other problems...

I wish that everything was settled so then I can let myself freely happy...and not worry about anything later...

I want to know that I'm the only girl on his cell phone...I want to know that he's not talking, texting, chatting with any other girls...

And his response was..."I've seen other guys who have both girls and guys on the cell phone."

I realized that...all his apologies were lies.

Why do you apologize when you don't even mean it? Why do you apologize when you clearly don't understand nor care?

To be truly forgiven...you must apologize and mean it...truly mean it. Because...if you truly mean it, you won't do it again...and you truly feel sorry.

He promised, and he broke that promise. And his excuse was..."Other people have it"
He's going into the gray area...finding reasons to make it "acceptable" to break promises and to hurt me.

He even questioned me, "Why are you making such a big deal out of this?"
The question stung me right through my heart.

No matter how many words...no matter how many times I'll explain...nothing will work.

He just doesn't care about me.

Some things....mean a lot to others...and those things may not mean so much for other ppl.

As my heart shatters to the floor, my tears fall to the ground...turning into blood when they hit the ground.

He pursued other girls, broke his promises...

How I wish someone can understand the pain that inflicted in my heart...but no one seems to understand...and I truly wanted him to understand that feeling...

There was never an apology...even the apology at knotts...

After I heard what his response was today...apparently...he didn't mean it...the apology was clearly nothing because...he doesn't even see the flaws.

How do I fight this?
Loving too much...I have given all the love that I have to him...

Once I've chosen someone...it's hard to stop....impossible to stop...
He's the person I'll love forever.

He hides things from me now....

Is there such thing as a relationship anymore...?

Maybe he isn't ready to settle down.

I have many regrets but...one of the biggest regrets ever was....

to love.

If he actually understands me and the relationship will finally be better...perhaps I wouldn't regret anything...

But to see that...I've even gave my body to him...to give him love, time...and suffering...
Somehow...I see myself regretting.

After I gave my all to him.....I realized that it is no longer an experience...
The moment I let him kiss me, touch me, etc....

It's no longer an experience but rather a bind.

I thought that he really loved me.
I thought that he cared, that he would understand me

And I realize that...I had been a toy for his experience.

Honestly...I don't want this to end...
And honestly, he just doesn't want me.

He can have fun without me....
I don't think he needs me...

In this world...no matter how independent one can be....he or she still needs somebody...

But he seems to have so much fun in his life...he has wealth...someone who loves him a lot even though he doesn't love her back....he has life....

He doesn't need me.

He goes out with his other best friend...doesn't even share me his stories...

He texts other girls....and yet...I can never get a text from him in the morning or before I go to bed.

Even girls...pursue another girl's bf...

He doesn't need me, and I don't feel needed.
He refuses to understand me, and my words don't get through him.

If he can see how hurt I am...like the times when I suddenly burst out to tears....

He should realize that it's self-explanatory - I'm hurt.

It's a big deal to me.
Sadly, it's not a big deal to him.

So how would he feel if I start doing things that HE find them a big deal? And then...I just use excuses like "Oh, dude it'really nothing."

Take my constant criticism in the past for example. To me, I didn't find it a big deal. I thought that if I say a lot of things, he will fix his flaws because he told me that if he does something that hurts me, I should tell him.

However, surprisingly....my crticism hurt him rather than it did him any good.
To him...it was a big deal...
And even though I was stubborn for a bit...

I began to realize that...this matters to him and....if my constant criticism hurts him...I should stop.

I realized that I was wrong...and I understood why...

Thus...I stopped...

Crticism however....was never my intentional doing....it was only between him and me...i didn't do anything with other guys...

His doing however...was intentional...he knew i was hurt...he knew what i don't like...

yet he still does them.

So what does it mean...? He really doesn't care about how i feel. Furthermore, he even tries to put nicknames...maybe even fake ones as substitutes for the real ones.

What kind of a relatoinship is this?

It's no longer something that is love anymore...

He's beginning to catch up on me...but...eh...it's okay...

i need to smile brighter...laugh harder...so he won't see the pain...so he won't look down on me more...

Soon...this will be over....I'm afraid there's no turning back now...

The issue of girls.
It rose from the beginning...and to the end.

A relationship that has been consisted with one-sided true love...
With him...or without him...

I'll be in pain.

Nothing will change...

Once February is here....i'll let him go if nothing happens.

If he cannot understand me...listen to me...

Why can't he understand me...out of his love then? If he really loves me...and feels hurt when I'm wounded....can't he understand me through that?

If you love somebody...you'd want to see that person happy with you...you don't want to hurt them...you care...

Think about it...

Every time there's an argument online...the next day...when I see him...everything's better...

Outside...he and I laugh a lot...make up a lot...sometimes we raise our voices at each other...and then we always end up apologizing and then smile again.

Yet...

He began to lie to me...cheat on me...

What more can I say...other than...he just doesn't love me?

One of the reasons I dated him was because I saw that he valued trust...I saw that he would never lie to me nor cheat on me.

Boy...was I wrong...

Trust...faithfulness...two of the most important things...

yet...he broke his promises...continued to lie

So, I ask you..my dear readers, is this love?

Would you even lie to the person you love? Do all those horrible things?

Sometimes...you think that you're helping the other person if you lie...but in reality...you're just lying for yourself....
You want to pursue and do your fun....giving no care in the world about the person who loves you.

because if you do love that person a lot, I guaranetee you...you would be dying inside if you even JUST THINK that he or she is hurt.

I need to laugh harder...smile more...smile brighter....i don't want him to blame himself...even though....yeah...

but.....what does it matter? even though i hurt, he still continues to do those things, right?

Besides.....because i love him...i don't...eh...

so...i need to do a better job of smiling...i'm very happy to see him whenever i can too! so....i should smile...hide the pain....