♥Daily Blog: Lost Concentration

I just wish someone out there can understand how I feel about accomplishing my goals.

I've set goals for myself, and each time I see one fail, I become broken and my self-esteem goes down.

I just...hate it when a goal I've set for myself isn't accomplished.

One of my goals is to accomplish my "dream" costume for Halloween. I have dreamed about wearing one Junior year, but that one failed so I shrugged and thought "There's always next year."

And now...this IS the year. There's not going to be a next year in high school for me. This is it. My final high school year. I want to remember it as much as possible. I want to remember the many goals I've accomplished, because the major goal for school this year is to have ALL my goals for senior year to succeed.

Sure, perhaps a costume wouldn't matter to anyone, but it matters to me. And of course it shouldn't be important to anyone else, because after all, this is MY goal.

And if he sincerely loves me, he would understand how happy I would be if my goals are accomplished. And...it isn't a HUGE goal. It's just a costume, but it's still a goal. And it matters to me...so...shouldn't it matter to him also?

He just doesn't get it. He just doesn't understand how hurt I will be when I see my goal fail again.

Already, I don't have a job. Already, I won't have a class ring. Already, I'm not able to purchase my senior portraits. Already, I won't be able to get a yearbook.

All this time he just doesn't understand how much my goals mean to me. It's not just him. No one else does either.

It's my goal...and it's not harming or affecting anyone. So why can't...someone...just...understand and respect this harmless goal of mine? I've been looking forward to this month..for...four years...

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His two kisses today were...empty. They...they remind me about the empty kisses back then...the ones...that were just before...that tragic thing happened...

It's all coming back, isn't it?

Also...I just get so mad...whenever he says something "new." His schedule says 6, but before, he told me 5...and last week, he said that he can drive me to my concert since he gets out of work at FIVE.

And then...he says six today. When I told him that it wasn't what i heard from before, he said that he did say it.

Now, I know when I think i'm right...and I know when I know I'm right.

I pick up all the little details, and when he just said that I'm wrong, I was completely insulted.

During all my classes, I pick up all the things my teacher reminds the class and even the class doesn't pick all the details up. Yet, I was able to. I hear everything, and I listen to everything.

And he's the type of guy who mixes up his words...and who knows...maybe he does lie to me and he got so used to it that he's mixing up words and has confused himself with what he's been telling me the truth and what he's not.

I just...wish he takes my word for it. After all, he's forgetful. And I KNOW when I hear something for certain.

But no...yes...apparently i was sleeping and didn't hear what he said correctly...what else can i do? now i have to pretend that i'm wrong because he's not going to admit that he's saying the wrong things.

And then he gives me stony silences now whenever I'm crying. No, he just doesn't care if I cry anymore. He's not there for me, he doesnt hug me, doesn't ask me what's wrong or to just talk tohim and let it out.

No, he just ignores it.

How can he live with me crying?

Well...perhaps the answer is that he doesn't love me. I mean...when you love someone...don't you feel very hurt when you see someone whom you really love and care about...hurt? In pain?

Especially when it's caused by what you said or did. At least...be responsible for it.

Then again...my tears are just...nothing to him. And back then...whenever I cried...I have always wanted a shoulder to cry on...someone there for me who doesn't want me to cry.

And even now..when I do have a lover...I'm still...alone.

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It all brings to one single point today.

Someone whom I love and will love no matter what...turns out to not love me unconditionally.

There are limits to his love and commitment.

So...I guess my worries lately...are cleared? I now know the truth: I am not uncondionally loved by him.

Yet, when he hurt me, abused my love for him, and laughed at me during the tragic period, I still...I still love him...I still love him until this day...

Even when he "tried" drugs...took advantage of me...

I still love him...I still love him...

Of course, I don't want him doing those things again...I want him to be a better person...

But the main thing is...even when those things have happened...during all the rough times...I still love him very much. I was hurt by the things he did..

I don't want those things to ever happen again...or anything worse...anything heartbreaking...anything that would break my every reality

And today, I still love him...I still do...very much...

Yet...I can't believe that...he doesn't love me as I love him...no unconditional love...I was right about his love...all this time...

And...didn't he once said..."I want to spoil you."

Really...is that so? Seems to me that he isn't spoiling anymore...in truth...he's not even close to spoiling me.

Why is it so hard to believe him now? I want to believe him, rely on him so badly...I really do...but he just makes it so hard...

How could he lie to me so much? Does he lie that much? It's like...he's having a hard time telling the truth...the complete truth...even to me...

Seems like...I have to.....try...to stay healthy...so I won't have cancer, mental illness, or whatever...

Otherwise...he's leave me...there was no doubt...

he would leave me...under certain circumstances...

He really would...

he doesn't love me unconditionally...doesn't love me...

i'm so...just so...heartbroken...

I couldn't even focus during my dance practice...I was...shocked...surprised....very much surprised...at how many lies and pretend promises...he has fed me all this time

please...that one promise...please...i hope...he will forever keep it.

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on the bright side...he woke up at six today and slept at 6:45 when i didn't call him.

how sweet of him...but now...it's all too late...

and...he offered to walk me in...

and he offered his arm even when we were walking in silence...