♥Daily Blog: Lost Voice

4AM. The alarm clock went off. I opened my eyes drowsily, hit the button, and collapsed. Ten minutes later, it went off again. Once more, I hit the button. Not fully aware of what I was doing, I also extended the wake up time.

5:30AM. RRRR-INNNGGG!

Go away.

Ten minutes later. RRR-NNNGG!

Go away.

Finally, I woke up at 6:10AM in shock. My....homework....I also...didn't read for the econ essay.

I was...screwed. I rushed.

6:30AM

Where was my house key? I couldn't find it. Oh no. I can't leave the house without it.

I was furious. I went into my closet and threw out my neatly folded clothes. The key didn't drop anywhere there.

My clean and organized room became a mess in just a few seconds.

6:40AM

I had to go.

I locked one of the doorknobs from the inside and shut the door. I was carrying 500 pieces of paper, a notebook, and a textbook.

The bus was coming. I tried to run...but....I couldn't.

But...just my luck, the bus driver was nice enough to stop for me. Could it be that today will be my lucky day?

I have spoken too soon.

After 4th period, I checked my phone. No calls. No texts.

I used up 10 minutes of my phone, trying to reach him and leaving him messages.

Nothing. I waited until 12:50

Nothing. I went to the library and sat there.

I left the phone where I could see it. Just in case if he calls.

But minutes pass...and an hour passed. Nothing.

I went outside...called him...and he picked up finally.

He was sick...his voice was hoarse and he was coughing. I got worried.

But...then...another feeling washed over me...

He wasn't going to see me today and never planned to. That's how fridays are now.

My house key was gone. The bus is crowded with people. I have to walk home...without a house key.

"I'll see what I can do," he says.

We hung up. As I stood there, the boyfriend of the girl who was unfaithful to her ex back then came.

He was....4 minutes early. He was standing outside....he parked somewhere...and he was walking to wait for her...

And she came out. She didn't have to wait. She wasn't...like a follower. Instead of driving there and get her to go inside the car....

no...he parked and came to her and then walked with her back....she was...a person, his girlfriend.

And she didn't have to wait....at all.

I began to sit down after the couple left. She cheated on her ex for this new guy. And...she's being loved....

I don't get it...I've stayed faithful and done everything right...based on morality, of course. For me to be happy is for me to feel that I'm loved for once. To feel that I am more than just a special someone to someone. but...yet...

Anyway, I sat there...waiting...and waiting...he didn't say he would come...but...just in case...I waited...and waited...I swallowed the hurt...gulping...letting the tears run down silently...and wetting the pages of my book. No, tears just dropped. My face was...neutral...though

I wasn't sure...what I was waiting for...or even why I was waiting.

And each time I caught glimpse of a gold car from ahead, my hopes went up...just for a few seconds...until I saw that the car...wasn't his.

I reacted the same way for the past 45 minutes. No, he never came.

Well, Jen, what do you expect? He's sick. He can't go anywhere. He needs to stay in bed.

I hope he feels better, I prayed. I was...sad...angry...about the house key...I am...doomed. But..then...I decided to think of him instead.

I hope he feels better...

So...I walked...

I walked home...with the sun burning the back of my neck, with the rays eating the back of my arms. I was dressed...in my favorite clothes...and I had been hoping that he would see me today with the combo...then again...he didn't compliment me during my senior picture day. I forgot...I wasn't attractive nor pretty. I wasn't worth to be looked at.

But nevertheless, I walked home. The air was suffocating with dust. As each car passed by, I was attacked by dirty wind that followed it.

But I kept walking. I wanted to go home fast, so I can talk to him and check up on him.

Blood dripped. I was...very uncomfortable. Blood kept dripping...

It went through my clothing...

I kept walking until I reached home.

And...did something for him...I wanted to apologize for not sounding that I cared that he was sick earlier. At the same time...I wanted to do the thing anyway for him.

But...but...

When I called him....his cousin picked up.

"He's driving."

I was...shocked and surprised. Why was he driving? He was sick...he shouldn't be out of bed...he couldn't even pick me up or answered my calls. So...how was he able to drive?

Then it hit me...

I wasn't that important. Why do I keep thinking that I am? Why do I keep believing him that I am?

I walked home...breathing the hot polluted air...putting my skin out to be burn...I walked home...carrying my books...with blood dripping all the way...

And I walked home...just to find out that he did have the strength to get up...

But then I realized that...even if he had not gone anywhere...he would still have the strength to get up...if I were his treasure...his number one.

And then...something else hit me...

If he had not avoided me and tried to see me before....I wouldn't have...been like this even if he were sick...

but because he did not see me last time...

being sick this time...

all I can see is that...I wasn't worth seeing.

And though he is sick...though I worry...though I care...

To come home and be there for him...even if it's just online...

to come home with that intention...

but to find out...that he got up and went for batteries...for something...with someone...

to see that not only was I not his number one person...but that i was also below a THING

idk...perhaps...all of this is wrong...but...even so...

what's there to say...what's there to argue...

when already...when clearly...I was to go home like this...

he was never there...

I trusted him enough to rely...

but...no...I can't rely on him...

Because something or someone else is on the top of his list in mind.

And...I kept calling him...I used up...40 minutes...all of those minutes...toward trying to reach him...but never really did....

I've been calling to much...a person who even cares to call every few minutes...is the person...who loves more...

....I've been...just an animal to him...was I? Stanley was right....girls shouldn't go out to the honk or call.

no...if he truly respects u, loves you more, and cares....he'll come to you..

and all along...i've been...called...never did he stood outside of my neighborhood and wait me there...no one will see him...

but no...I was...just...idk...the car comes...and i just hop in...

while...her boyfriend...would park somewhere and walk...

While I just...come...like an animal...

I mean...he shouldn't mind me wanting him to be my doggie...i...don't treat dogs as dogs...I admire their qualities...and those were what i mean...when i want him to be my doggie...because i want him to be loyal, kind, and honest.

but...with the car thing...i realized that...it's like...i'm just an animal...not worth to be waited for...not worth to be walked...not worth to get up even though he was sick...

and i was understanding..."he's sick...eh...even though if he truly cares, he would come anyway...he's sick...i guess it's okay...what do i expect right.."

but....no...

And I walked home with the sun burning the back of my neck, with the dust flying into my mouth and eyes...


And I walked home with the blood dripping....all the way...

There's a man roaming around orange country and is hunting for girls for whatever...I see myself in a lot of dangerous situations....

staying outside of school alone...waiting for him...i don't think...he really cares about my well-being...just bc i have his thing doesn't mean that i want to get into that situation where i have to use it...

and...i've been exposing myself...to more danger...yet...i don't know what to do...except wonder...



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Hard Time
Jackie Boyz (the lyrics...are good....i would send this to jen if i were her guy *sigh*) wait...more ideas for my novel.

I'm sitting here about to take the stand.
I gotta prove, I'm not a guilty man.
I've been accused of a crime of giving you everything but my time.
So let me say in my defense, I didn't know that I was doing you wrong.
I'm gonna never let it happen again.
From this moment girl it's about to be on.

Put me on lock tonight, cause all that I want to do is be alone with you.
I feel like doing hard time.
I ain't trying to cop or plead if you're down to serve with me.
We staying in alright, I feel like doing hard time.

The verdict's in, I got work to do.
Got to make up for the time I've neglected you.
I'm serving life, there's no need to rush.
I'm gonna be here for you girl, now that's what's up.
Now let's lay here for a while, let you lock me up and hide the key (Yeah)
Girl you know that drives me wild, everytime you put your hands on me.

Put me on lock tonight, cause all that I want to do is be alone with you.
I feel like doing hard time.
I ain't trying to cop or plead if you're down to serve with me.
We saying in alright, I feel like doing hard time.

You can sentence me cause I was guilty
But I'll make it right by doing hard time
I apologize but you know that I'm
Gonna make it right by doing hard time, ohhhhh,
Doing hard time, ohhhhh

Put me on lock tonight {Put me on lock tonight}, cause all that I want to do is be alone with you.
I feel like doing hard time.
I ain't trying to cop or plead if you're down to serve with me.
We saying in alright, I feel like doing hard time.

(I feel like doing hard time, yeahh. Said I feel like doing hard time, yeah)
(I feel like doing hard time, yeahh. Said I feel like doing hard time, yeah)