♥Daily Blog: I.... (Pt. 2)

"If you only look at what is, you might never attain what could be."

Finally! A quote of my intention that actually makes sense. but....i won't discuss this...i already know and i wish he understands too...

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I understand my position. My last post may have been long, but it did settle my thoughts.

His family businesses took over everything. He can't even find the time to see me or try to to see me. I don't even think he wants to see me.

Worst of all, he let all of that took over.

I was nothing.

I thought I meant something to him. I thought I meant more than his family, than his cousin, than his friend. I thought he could see hope in me, in us. I thought he had found his true love, and that true love is me.

No sir, no madam. My good thoughts, my optimistic thoughts were wrong.

I cried throughout the whole day. I had the worst nightmare ever...in my whole entire life. I only had three hours of sleep, and even though I have woken up every 90 minutes, the nightmare continued.

I waited for him all day. I waited for him all the freaken day. I called him a countless number of times and left him many consecutive messages. He wouldn't want to know how I feel from today, now would he?

No...not really.

As I waited for him in my shirt and jeans, I slept while I held the phone in my hand so when he calls, it will vibrate.

And then...I have a dream. It was about him, but it wasn't really a nightmare. Actually it was a good dream until he woke me up with his call.

In the dream, I was with him and we were laughing. He had fought for his time for me and tried to see me. He was perfect in every sense. The things that he did, clearly it showed that I was number 1 in his life and that he wouldn't dare to miss a day seeing me.

And it was a good dream....we were holding hands and going to places....he was beside me the whole time.

Then I woke up from his phone call. "Can you go out right now?"
"What time is it?" I asked him, yawning.
"It's five."
"I can't."

He wasn't going home. He had to pick up things for his cousin.

What can I say? This isn't news.

This was exactly how my dad did it. Family businesses forced my dad to do things, and now it became a habit. My parents aren't lovers anymore. Heck, they were supposed to be divorced. Dad puts his old family first....and his friends first.

And that's what exactly my lover is doing. It's painful to see, painful to know, and painful to feel. But what can I do except hope that it's not true with my lover? And I'm trying hard to gather facts and everything...anything to prove me wrong about this....

But I have realized...no....I was merely just an outside person to him.

Because....when Tony or whoever else needed something or needed him to do something, he would do it. No, he isn't really forced. He would do it anyway.
While during the whole time, I have waited and waited...slept in my school clothes...thinking of how great it would be to see him. I wish I was living in the dream.

Because in reality, he didn't put me out there. Buying things is thoughtful...but....I think....I rather hang with him. What was he thinking? That I would come out just to pick up the pens? I wanted to hang with him, couldn't he see that? I wanted to spend time with him, couldn't he see that?

He just...put everything before me....while when my grandparents demand a family outing or anything else for the matter, I would refuse to go so I can stay home and talk to him. I could always say that I had homework and that I don't have time for anything else.

Yet, he couldn't even do the same for me. No...it's not that he couldn't. Let me rephrase that: He doesn't find the necessity to do the same for me.

I am not assuming....this is based on purely everything that I've done and everything that he has done.

While I called him in the morning TWO consecutive days, he didn't pick up. And even if he was charging, couldn't he have discharged it or idk...do something because what if I needed him?

No, I had to haul my a$ so badly and finished all my homework in each class.

He would do anything for his friend or family, especially his cousin. I can't do anything about it...I just feel...sad...not jealous...I feel sad o.o I'm not a jealous person usually....it's actually...my sadness. I feel sad. I thought he loved me a lot and put me on the top of his list without me knowing or even say anything....

So while he can go around picking up things and buying things for his cousin, and taking his cousin out to places,

I needed him for driving me to SCHOOL when I woke up so late.

"i'll be there," he told me.

Really...was he just trying to make himself look good? Because his words are awesome alright, but they are sure ugly when they carry no weight.

I wonder...if there is marriage one day....will he really be devoted to his new family? or would he still stick to his old one? he did say that he'll be devoted to me...but....tbh...idk could be a lie. He's probably those guys who would say anything at the moment and then yeah.

i thought he was different. he isn't.

I guess my point is...I cried...looking ugly for my senior picture which will be taken TOMORROW.

I don't feel like I'm really important anymore. Circumstances that don't really seem significant...he would complete all those before us, before me.

His time of spending with me and being with me is not a necesity nor did it seem mandatory in his life.

Anything that has to do wtih me....they are all....not mandatory, not needed, the last....of his priorities.

I'm afraid that I'll go mad one day....and hit my head so hard....

If I really do go mad one day....there is no doubt that I'll hit my head so hard...enough for my brain to hit the skull...

resulting me to either pass out or die.

Hopefully I'll just pass out. I want a good dream about him once again...not that nightmare.....and also...not this reality.

Because in my dream, I am loved the way I wanted....in my dream....I was a treasure chest to him, I was his own, I was a part of him....for he connected himself to me in every way: thoughts, mind, body, soul, hearts...

For the first time ever....I was his number one priority....but....it was all just....

a very very amazing dream.