♥ Daily Blog: Sometimes

an interesting day today

I was picked up at 9:30AM

we went to excelsior for him to change into his beach clothes and head back to my house so i can get my cds and sandals

then we went to stater bros to get some food and exchange pennies for dollar money

we bought garlic chicken and a starbuck's ice cream

then we went to fry's to get a usb and he got a bag of chips

he seems to know a lot of people and gets along easily

i'm not sure how i felt when i saw that

anyway... i just breathed and smiled

then we went to the beach and had a quick picnic and walk

eh...i guess i should have shown him that i was happy...but i guess...i just want more time with him for other places and some personal time with him...i didn't feel like going to the beach...mainly bc he and i just went last week...

anyway...it was interesting...i think i'm allergic to seaweed -_-

anyway...we walked back and went to the mall. we almost got into a car accident D: i felt as though my heart jumped from its place to my stomach...my heart seemed to stop pounding at that moment.

anyway...we parked under the tree...things were going well...when...idk...i guess i prefer something this way...bc it's more comfortable...and he didn't want to...though i understand why...i look at the time...and it was getting late...

i told him to stop...but he didn't....the moment i saw that he wouldn't listen to me...i suddenly became scared.

and then...i almost cried...so i turned away and tried to think of something else.

then he stopped.

it feels as though...i listen to his preferences...but he doesn't listen to mine...

and then...i felt a bit angry that the time was so short...and that we could have had more time if we didn't go to the beach...

maybe i just want some personal time with him...i'm not able to hang with him as much as i thought i would...i guess i just want to leave something good with him...

so we went to the mall and he chose an okay dress for me. well its appearance didn't catch my eye...but when i wore it...it looked great on me

first time that he got me something that was clothing...and of his preference

i felt...guilty everytime he took out his wallet...i mean...i'm happy that he's showering me with materials...but that's like a bonus if my other needs are taken care of...

i'm happy...but sometimes the thing that will make me happy 100% all the time is...spending some quiet time with him...just feel the heat of his body next to mine...talk about our days...and most of all...faithfulness and honesty...

overall...i ate a lot of calories today...but...i still have three days left to bring it down...

maybe i just want to be fed with healthy food...what if one day i can't go to the gym anymore...how am i going to work that off in one day?

it's summer...i want to lose as much weight as i can...so when school starts...i'm not going to weigh so much even when i gain back a lot of pounds...

maybe...maybe i should have pretend that everything's okay...and simply be happy for him....

maybe showing my real emotions will ruin what i have with him...

that is why...it is clear that i love him more than he loves me...bc...seems to me that no matter how many times he messes things up...i would...never let him go...simply be sad...but hoping that things can be better...

i still need to work with my mouth...perhaps...i've grown up in an environment where ppl would criticize me...and i used to be forced to defend myself...and the only way to do that...is pointing out the mistakes that they did...showing that i'm a human being and so are they...

and now....it's hard to get rid of that...

just when i'm 2 percent away from being secured...two things show up...and now i'm back to where i was...

for one...he went away without saying anything like "ily" or anything...he seems to always do that...

it's coming down...to the point where he will stop doing those things...

i'm so afraid...that he might not love me as much as he says he is...

after all...money can be earned once again...but love...that's different...at least to the majority...although for me, love is forever. *sigh*

wouldn't it be better...if i just reduce what i say...and simply pretend that everything's okay...and smile...just smile...

as for the other thing...it's hard...it's...who he is...maybe that's what happen when one is with an extreme extrovert?

*sigh* i'm trying to feel secure...

maybe i'll never feel secure...i can't change who he is...and who he is...well he's not bad...it's good...but maybe for a sensitive lover like me...maybe...just maybe...i just have to let it be...

simply...let go of what i want...and what i need...simply...just let him do whatever...i just want ppl to be happy...maybe...even to the point where i will be taken advantaged of...even to the point where i have to smile through the tears and pretend that everything's okay...

~jen-jen