♥ Daily Blog: When Was the Last Time...

that I cried that's not out of anger?

last month.

i don't understand why i feel the need to vomit these days...esp. right now...

my body aches...my heart aches...my neck aches...

i'm not appreciated. he doesn't feel that he's appreciated.

my faithfulness to him didn't make him feel appreciated. the times when i tried to be optimitic didn't make him feel appreciated.

how i made things for him out of my own hand and sweat...he doesn't feel appreciated.

how i went out to get him a tie bc i think he would like a blue one...he doesn't feel appreciated.

how i only had my last few dollars that i saved from my lunch allowed...and i sent the majority on him...he doesn't feel appreciated.

how i try not to tell him when i'm sad...bc i know that he won't do anything and i'll just make him feel worse...how i have to deal with my problems and disturbing thoughts alone...he doesn't feel appreciated.

unlike...most girls...the core of what i need from him is true love...that contains faithfulness, honesty...a promise keeper...

we all...have work...if he's like this...and if someday i have work and i'm like who he is now...what is love by then? what is romance? what is a blissful relationship?

work...it's a part of life. it sucks...esp. while we don't have the career that we aim for yet...

Something that God has taught me was...

"Regardless of whether your day is stressful, terrifying, or simply impossible to bear...always have room for more energy to make your loved one happy."

One isn't the only one who is working. Almost the whole world is working. Just because one is being stressed about work...doesn't mean that the other person isn't have a stressful day about something else.

Heck, I rather work and be tired...than to cry...be sad...and have disturbing thoughts...to worry.

Energy...you can refill.

But depression? Emotions? They can be a tatoo that will follow you for the rest of your life. I cannot refill happiness into my emotions.

I can't go to sleep and not feel them...because I have had nightmares with them.

Yet...even when i had a terrible day last time....i managed to be okay and spoke with some cheerful words to him...

he doesn't deserve my forgetfulness....he doesn't deserve to be treated with the stress and worriness that i have...

he doens't deserve...to not have my 100% attention.

i need to use this blog because i don't want my tears to wet my new journal...

right now...i'm hungry, tired, and crying.

sometimes i wonder...why won't he try to cheer me up...why won't he ever not give up and simply maintain an optimistic but honest attitude and bring me up when i've fallen down?

i feel as if i'm being taken for granted...because i never gave up on him when he was not feeling well.

even when he was sick...it's not like i stopped talking to him...i asked him if he's ok...etc.

yeah...i worry about him when he's sick...thing is...does he worry about me when i was sick physically and emotionally?

i guess...this is a thing to bear with for the rest of my life...

the gift i give to someone i love...is unconditional love...including taking care of that person...and never expect to be treated in the same way in return...

sometimes...i just need to suck it all up...and pretend that everything's ok...

bc...i should know by now...that i love him more than he can ever know...

i just wanted to do something nice for him...yet...i can't even accomplish that plan tonight...

i've been working on it all month...i suddenly wanted to add more things and give it to him tm...now...i guess not

then again, he's not going to feel appreciated even if i hand him my hours of hard work...

i am pressured to making things perfect in my eyes...

how can he not consider how i feel...

so he's not appreciated eh? what's the point then

i thought i could be the one to motivate him to not be lazy and move forward...yet...what was i thinking?

i don't feel appreciated...and i have a very good reason to feel that way:

my emotions were not being considered



strange huh?

i can't even discuss the thing that brings me to my downfall in life...

he's not willing to do anything about it..then again...it's just not worth it to sit and wonder..."how's she doing?" or "i know! she's definitely going to smile once i do this"

even just thinking about what he should think makes me smile..

i guess...i feel better when i know that my emotions are being acknowledged.

instead of making me feel worse, he should have tried to ease me...

instead of that, he starts complaining about his own life and how he's working hard and needs a break.

dude...if i have known that...what's the point in trying to be open to him about my emotions when the only emotions that he care about are his?

what's the point in sharing my sorrows with him...when his response would be only "awh"

heck

whenever he's sad

my motto is "if your day is bad, well it's about to change."

sometimes i just need comfort...sometimes i just wish that he can feel what i feel...instead of saying things like "now i feel bad"

he knows very well that i despise having ppl sad around me...especially him.

he knows very well of that...yet...i'm not sure if he wants to hurt me by making me feel worse or what..

"i'm just gonna lay in bed until morning."

seems like he wants me to feel guilty and blame my own self.

i love him. there are many things that i admire of him...

but one thing that i know now...

is that he has a selfish side when it comes to emotions.

i wonder if i even told him that "i'm staying up all night tonight"

if i were him...i would have just said, "u better sleep and rest. don't mind me. it's a new day tm anyway."

how can he be selfish...with me...esp. when i'm his lover...

i don't even feel like taking more pics...how are they special...when the moment of their capture isn't special to him?

maybe it's time...for me to just not care anymore...

if he's not going to pay attention to me, then ok.
i don't expect him to be a lover like i am. i think i'm a bad lover anyway

if he wants to think that he's not appreciated and be selfish regarding to emotions, then ok.

i appreciate what he did for me on monday...but if he thinks that he's unappreciated...then i'm not appreciated bc i've done all those things for nothing.

i'm making an effort...and i'll always be the one doing so...

so he doesn't feel appreciated that i threw away my calculus chance just to be with him...thinking that he and i will 3-4 days seeing each other at most....only to find out that once or twice is at most now...

i wonder if he even takes the time to sit back and understand what i'm dealing with...

when i couldn't even get a job...i thought of the bright side...thinking that..."well at least i get to see him more."

heck...from the beginning, i thought i was the one who will be overwhelmed with work and might not have time for him...

yet...everything's switched around now...

~jen-jen