♥ Daily Blog: So Difficult

typing is easier at times...

most of the time when i'm talking to him online, i feel as if it's just online

i always sit there, talking to him...looking at the box and wait for seconds and minutes for a response

it's agony since i'm treating it as if i'm talking to him for real...bc when i talk to him outside, it's not like i have to wait minutes and long seconds for him to respond...so i guess when i treat him the same way online...seeing that he's treating it as only online...idk

and then these insecurities rise up inside me

whenever there's a pause...he's either doing other things...or he's talking to someone.

but...who?

furthermore, if he was eating and talking to me, it shouldn't take that long for him to eat. thus, he must have been doing something else too.

idk...i don't know when i can be healed...

i trust him, but...looking at most things....it's hard to trust...when almost 2/3 of what he tells me...he rarely fulfills them...

to me, everything is important.

if i say something and if something else shows up, i'll mention it to him even if he doesn't ask me again about it...

he may shower me with materials, etc., but little does he know...though my emotions get moved easily by certain things...his actions...his words...are what i look at..

this is really bad...i'm not sure what's going on...but...is the problem that i'm stil insecure...or is the problem that he doesn't always keep his word and tell the truth?

perhaps i'm analyzing things too much today...but one thing i know for sure...

he's doing something and he's not telling me

furthermore, i still question "does he really not respond when other bunnies talk to him?"

i'm not...being mean...it's just that...if he says that he is keeping his promises...he better is keeping them...regardless if the talking is just "nothing"

yes, i am bothered. i'm not sure what he can do to blow my insecurities away.

i guess...there is one way...but...that's impossible...i've waited anyway...just won't be natural...

i don't understand...what's wrong with me today...

i don't expect anything but...he really doesn't seem to concern when i mention "depress." then again...best if he doesn't concern anything for me...besides...i love him but...idk...

maybe...there's nothing that i can do...but hope that if there's any luck...he will love me like the way i want to be loved...

bleh...getting too deep...

journal...yes...the lovely journal...

~jen-jen