♥ Daily Blog: It's Working a Bit

Sounding a bit cheerful while masking my pain. It's working.

Now...what's going to happen to my dear Tofu? I wish I can take him...but I can't...if I leave him out in the wild...he'll die.

I didn't want to say that I was returning him...but rather he was just going to visit.

first time he said sorry and meant it.

it wasn't that big of a thing...but i feel a bit better although i'm not sure why he would apologize. i was just doing him a favor since fifty bucks is a lot of money to me...

But...for the things that hurt me...he would never apologize for them or in that kind of meaningful way out of the blue...

How about those times when he literally left me and went to...
I guess for all those things that he did that hurt me...he enjoyed doing them...thought it was right doing them...

for every time he hurt me...he never apologized...he simply wants me to apologize...

but that's not how a truly lucky girl will have to go through...she would never have to apologize...and if she has a good heart, she would apologize after he apologizes...

Accept it Jennifer. He will never see the things he had done to me were wrong. He will never feel guilt or anything.

Accept it. He only thinks of the things that you did to him. He will never understand the pain that you've gone through. Perhaps...even your poor grades for second semester did not prove to him how hurt and frozen you were.

But it's ok...

I don't think...even a sorry for those things right now...can do much...perhaps I would feel a lot better if he had done it early out of his own will...but now? Those events have permanently grown attached to me. Every time I go through them...I feel the same pain all over again.

And...he did have the right...to hurt me intentionally...even when the times that I have hurt him...were unintentionally...

I'm in the middle of nowhere. The past stays in the past...

He should be able to let go of the times I have hurt him because I have apologized and even fight my way to prove to him that I will never think of such thought again. As for criticism...I'm beginning to praise more...but of course...I am honest...unless he wants me to praise him even when I don't like what's he doing? Still...I've been able to tell him my good thoughts about him directly...I've shown him that I was sorry...

A girl who's sacrificing her happiness because her lover just wants things his way and doesn't love her enough to give her what she wants or needs...

what action does that prove? I guess...he hasn't been around a good role model of a male lover before...

I bet...he felt good and okay when I apologized to him and meant it...I bet...my later actions opened his eyes...

and that is how...we got to where we are today...

but what have I got? Nothing. I'm trying to solve this issue on my own....I'm trying...it's hard...I can only mask it...I can only do that...only if I can change myself...

It's hard...

Maybe...soon...I will include these horror scenes in my story...and maybe i can even write a movie script and have actors and actresses act that scene out...maybe by then...he would have a slight touch of the feelings that I have gone through....

and maybe then...I can at least...feel a bit better...

alright...I must work on this big project. I must leave him with a special thing to remember me by...I want him to smile when he sees it...