♥ Daily Blog: Until He Acts Upon His Words

Today could have and would have been perfect if there was no chem.

If there was no chem, I would have wished that everyday would be like today...because

I find it cute when he fixed the bobby pin on my hair during break.

He "stole" me from L after third period and walked me to my locker. He actually put his arm around me in public for the first time...he walked me to my fourth...he was very sweet. Even after one hug, he ran back to give me another one.

He came back for me after school and kissed me on the head. And when I went inside his car, he kissed my eye very hard. I wonder...is he really back?

He knew what I was "not feeling well" about. He actually read me correctly.

There were some things that he told me that made me believe that the guy who loves me really IS back.

"I rather earn your trust than to earn hers."
"There's nothing between her and me, and I'm going to prove that."
"You're curious? If you want, I'll send you what was written. I rather earn your trust and make you feel secure."

Although these sayings left me at ease, I am still insecure. Chem class ruined my whole entire day again. I broke down in third period again, cried in fourth, and all of a sudden...during lunch...the clouds in my mind cleared away.

"Do what you feel you need to do," the little voice in my head told me. I've made a decision. My decision will be final after graduation day.

What he told me at the park...the way he didn't even care about anything else except making me feel secure...at the time, I feel a bit better. Yet, I hope that what he's okay with what he's willing to do. Many sweet and thoughtful words have been said, and I truly want to believe them so badly.

However...until he acts upon his words, I feel unstable.

I am indeed curious. There is something...I know there is...and oh how I wish I can turn back time and erase all those bad things, because then...he would have never communicated with her outside of class. I am hurt by the things I remember seeing from the past.

I want to believe his words today so badly....but...I just can't...unless he acts upon all the things he told me. Today...would have been the first day I'm truly happy in months...but...ever since second period, every part of me seems broken.

I want to feel secure...but I can't...even if he does show me what she wrote...trust and security for me is 90%. Well...better than 60%, which is right now. I guess...even if he does act upon his words today...100 percent can only be reached if that official day comes...

As long as there is a tiny wall between him and me, I can never feel completely secured...and who wouldn't? If you really love somebody, you would want to be officially his or her boyfriend/girlfriend.

He'll have fun tomorrow. He'll have fun on Wednesday. Perhaps I won't be able to see him tomorrow. I'm happy for him...very proud of him...

Of all the things he said today...and the way he playfully made me punish him...I felt as though he truly trusts me...as though he really is...all mine...

Like I said before, today would have been a perfect day and I would wish for many days like today...IF there was no chem...

I am curious...as much as I want to read everything in his yearbook...it's up to him to decide if he's willing to open himself toward me...freely with trust. And at most...95% trust can be reached...but really...if my trust and security are really important to him...well...I guess I shall see.

"I'm not close to anyone except you."

I want to believe that so badly...I want to believe everything he has told me today...but...I can't...because those things can only be confirmed if he acts upon them...and not just saying it...

My intention today was NOT to write about my day in details...but with his behavior today...his sacrifices...and the appearance of the guy I fell in love with...I had to write this blog in details.

But...little does he know....little does even L know...I have many decisions to make in my mind...and when I saw her writing in his yearbook...I was 1% close to finalizing this one decision...but then...I realized that...everything else was perfect today...more than I could have ever asked...and the things he told me today...the actions he did today...his other self returning...all of those were unexpecting.

Until after graduation...until then...until then...

I simply love him so much. I want to make him smile...make him smile just for the fact that I like to sit and look at it...

I want to be his one and only...he didnt' seem to say much about that topic though...I wonder...am I his one and only?

Love. Ever since that part of him returned...I suddenly want to squeeze him so badly...but...

...I feel insecure.

It's that sad...loving someone so much but can't seem to feel secure...

I will never compete with anyone...I don't want to feel that way...because if I feel that I have to compete...it means that he's not 100 percent loyal to me.

~jen-jen