♥ Daily Blog: Unrequited Love

To know that I once had him and realizing that I don't right now provokes a strange feeling in me.

As long as I am afraid and as long as he lets the chances come loose, I need to accept the fact that he doesn't love me enough.

What is my purpose on staying in California? I have a choice to move, but I'm undecided right now. What do I want? What position am I in at this moment?

Sure, I'll be at his special day, but he might not be able to come to mine even if he wants to.

What is my purpose for staying in this state? Do I have something to fight for and stay here? He and I are not even a couple. Heck, the only problem I have is insecurity. This insecurity results from his way of being close to others and from the fact that he and i aren't even a couple.

I don't want to experience this feeling anymore. Seeing that he actually asked her to sign his yearbook...looking at the length...I suddenly felt like I had to puke.

And now...I have a bad pain somewhere in my body...

Should I move? If I do, maybe it's best if I leave silently.

There was a time when he tried to plan to meet me over the summer many times; nowadays, he's going to be quite busy.

It's not up to me anymore. I have done all that I can. I have done all that I can with the strength I have. Why does he keep insisting that it's up to me? Unrequited love, I tell you. You want more, but you refuse to return anything.

It's all or nothing. He either loves me fully or doesn't love me at all. If there's any doubt, then he doesn't love me fully. All or nothing. I'm not even sure about my classes next year, because I don't know if I want to move or not. And no, I'm not planning to tell this him...maybe someday...but not now...I just want to know if he plans on being with me anytime soon...I just want to know if he truly loves me...I just want to know...

Because if he doesn't, I would like to know now. And if he can't give me an answer, then I must leave, for he has doubts.

This option to leave is quite convenient. I have a choice to stay or not. I can't decide yet.

If there truly isn't any purpose to stay, perhaps moving is the right thing to do. I've given love to the point where I myself can't even see my image anymore. The way I've been trying so hard to get back what I lost...my efforts...my efforts to help him see that I am sorry for my past actions...I never thought that I would do so much for just one guy....for one guy out of billions. Yet, to have all this unreturned...brings me great pain...and I think I would need to move and start a new life. If all of this is unreturned, I need to shift my attention to something else...but...I need to get away...

If all of this is returned, I would stay for him....knowing that I do have a future with him. But...I'll only stay for that purpose and nothing more.

Because...he is and have always been my dream. That's why I see myself pursuing him right now.
However, I am not his dream...because he's letting us apart.

Sometimes...I wish he would tell me, "Please hold on. Please wait. It will happen, I promise. Just wait for the right day. It won't be that long."

If he did tell me that, I would definitely wait with joy, because I know that it will happen for sure.

But now...he's holding back...

I need an answer...I need an answer....I don't know whether to pack yet or not...

I'll start packing tomorrow...I need a direct answer...time is running out...to him, he may have all the time in the world. To me, time is short. Especially now, when I need an answer so I can make my decision.

I hope he gives me his final answer without asking me questions. I have a reason for not telling what's going on right now.

It's best...if he's focused on his special day....