♥ Daily Blog: Hurts to Know

I was browsing through something that was saved a few months ago...and I'm breaking down right now.

I want to slap myself so badly. Then again, I want to be angry so badly.

No matter how hard I'm trying, it seems to be impossible to go back to where he and I have been. As long as I'm the only one trying, whatever I'm trying to reach is impossible to reach.

I wish...all those things are erased. I really wish they are gone. But I'm the only one trying, the only one willing to leave myself vulnerable, and the only one loving unconditionally.

I'm abusing myself right now...abusing myself with memories I'm trying to repress. The question is...why.

Even right now, even when I am content with where I am right now, there is something missing.

I remember those times where he would never mind my business. He wouldn't touch or look through anything without making sure that I was okay with it. Yet, he left himself completely vulnerable to me. He even gave me his password to his accounts. Everyday, he would go home and go online to talk to me as much as possible. He would usually ask what my plans were the next day. He would tell me what he would do the next day, etc.

I don't know what else to do now. He just won't let go of the bad things. I can tell that he's still keeping things from me. He's afraid.

Sometimes, I wish he can just snap out of it and look at what I'm trying to do for once. If he has looked, well...I wish he looks deeper.

I honestly don't want to let any bad thing from the past to affect the present in a worse way.

If he can just let go...forget...maybe we can both overwrite the bad things together.

I'm trying quite hard...but...his love for me isn't the same. I don't want to believe it so badly. I want to believe that he's in love with me so badly, like before. But...I'm the only one trying.

He used to listen to me, trusted me to order him around, knowing that I have good intentions. Now...it's different.

He doesn't seem so happy to see me anymore. His expression is just...indifferent.

I want to be his one and only so badly, but...as long as he's having doubts, as long as he keeps himself not entirely open to me, I need to enclose myself as each day passes.

I didn't even know he had a yahoo account. Nothing.

The reason why I'm abusing myself with the past is because it's affecting the present in some way, and I feel as if I have lost something.

He was very nice to me, and I realized how rude I had been. He was trying so hard, yet I ignored his efforts. What the hell was wrong with me? I'm so angry. I'm so angry at the situation, at myself, and again, at myself.

Everything happened for a reason. I want to believe that the reason to the occurrence of those bad times is to help me understand him better and to have him understand me better. Yet, why are things NOT the way it was before? You can't repeat the past, but you CAN recreate something like the past, only better...only not taking the bad route from those good times.

I'm so afraid. I'm so afraid that he will take advantage of me because he now knows how much I love him. I'm afraid that he'll do whatever he wants and thinks that I'll still be waiting for him.

It hurts to know that by trying so hard to get to where I am right now, I have left every part of myself freely open to him. Sometimes, I wish I didn't try, because in the end, at least my feelings for him will be a mystery to him. However, I tried so hard, and now...I'm the one suffering inside...being so afraid that he'll use my feelings as an advantage. Because even now, he's silent about his plans. He KNOWS that I'll always be there for him, and so, he just leaves and keeps me wondering.

It hurts to know that...as much as I love him, I need to enclose myself soon. The "official" day might not even come. He might not be in love with me like before, and he might not treat this "bond" like before.

I don't know, but I think he will put work before me. A few days ago, he "seems" to like the way this couple thinks. Little does he know, ever since I've met him, I've put him before my work. He also said, "A person can be replaced. You're just not in love with the same person." I can't believe he would think that. If you truly love someone, that someone is irreplaceable.

I just wish he doesn't let anyone influence him on what he should put first, on how he should love, etc. I wish he can look at me and look at me as a role model on how you should love someone. True, I may not be the best lover, but I KNOW that I'm loyal and devoted. I put him before anything, I come home and go online right away to see if he's on.

This is why...I wish that he is in love with me like before, because seeing his devotion to me makes me feel secure.

But...before I leave one day, and it can be any day due to the fact that I feel insecure, there is something I want him to know...and it will be forever unsent. I think I'm fine with the fact that I don't send this to him, and he will never know these words.

Dear Tuan,

You and I were similar and different in several ways. When it came to love, you and I were different. We came from different perspectives of love, and yet, you were the one who taught me love's value. You showed me what's it like to care and express myself towards someone, and I now am a better person because of it. Never forget that.
I remember when you would try to call me just because. I remember when you would always hold me while we both walk to classes. I remember you having an asthma attack and I was able to be there for you and help you up. I remember you always trying to settle the problem, and you didn't ignore it even when I tried to change the subject. I remember you sacrificing your hours for me. I wish you didn't have to go through all the pain and all those harsh days, but since you already did, I apologize for hurting you. I never meant to hurt you, and I was simply so close-minded to even see what you were trying to do.
You used to be so optimistic, for no matter how negative I looked at things, you always held a strong hope that the bad things can be erased and that our relationship can be better. You never gave up on us back then. I love the way that you were happy that our relationship was like no other and that it was a very special relationship. You made our relationship as fairytale-like as possible for me. You hugged me in public while other couples did not show public attention or say sweet things to each other. You were indeed in love with me.
I wish I have realized it sooner. I wish I have opened my eyes and healed the relationship before things became more broken, before you changed your way of thinking. Because right now, I see myself as the optimist, trying to convince you that everything will be okay, while you are the complete opposite...you think that someone can be replaceable for love and maybe...ever so slightly..you might think that work should come first. I want to be your dream, and even though I'm not, I just want you to know that you are my dream. Just you, nothing and no one else. If miracles do happen, perhaps maybe we can recreate the past with the good things together and take a different route to better things. If miracles do happen, I hope you can let go of your fears, and I hope I can let my own fears go as well.
I love you for many things, especially your passions, for they have made me feel so loved for the first time and made me feel so special. I have never felt so happy in my whole entire life. Your poetry, your friendship, and your love were some of the things that have made me feel as if I was the luckiest girl alive. To have you dedicate your blogs to me, to have you put my name in your status, and to have you hugging me before going to your fourth period for a few times back then...those were the little things that were very significant to me. I'm sorry for not appreciating these things before, and maybe if I have, you wouldn't be looking somewhere else for someone. To me, it's never too late. I don't believe that I am realizing all this too late. However, if you think it is too late, then I guess I have to accept that. But just know that I have recognized and appreciated what you have done for me. It's not like I never knew or never tried to understand anything.
You have taught me many things, inspired me, and have supported me for quite awhile with my writing. Thanks to you saving our conversations that one time, I am able to keep on writing with the ideas you have given me. I used to worry about my appearance, but when you asked me out, I stopped worrying about how I look even though I did mention about it a few times. I felt loved, and I was absolutely happy for having someone like you to accept me for who I am. I didn't have to worry about you seeing me at my worst when I woke up late and didn't have time to dress nicely. You still love me just the way I was. And when I dressed up for you, you complimented.
You have been my best friend as well as my lover. I don't know which side of you I enjoy the most. I treasure every part of you, and when I fell in love with you, I fell in love with all your sides. You have something in you, Tuan, and it's something very admiring and beautiful. Caring is what I see in you, and other people can see that too. No matter what, you are always caring for others. Of course, I wish I was cared by you in a very special and unique way. But still....caring. You are caring.
Perhaps, just perhaps, that guy I once saw in you will find a way back to me. The guy I love, the guy who loves me so much more than I have ever asked....perhaps someday he will find his way back. He's not completely back to me right now.
But don't be angry on the days when I'm in a bad mood or on the days that I misunderstand you. I don't want to feel like I have to be restrain myself from being me when I'm with you. I'm afraid that my fears regarding about you have taken over me. I don't want you to feel like you have to restrain yourself from being you when you're with me either. I just want your true self, a self that is genuine and only I can see and talk to. As long as there's a tiny wall between us and as long as you let the past bad things affect the present in a negative way, I cannot feel secure. No matter what happens, though, know that I love you and that I always will love you. Meeting you and finally understanding what love can do have made me content with the fact that I have experienced something that is generally vague.
You are and have always been my dream.

Jen




Don't want to try anymore. I've already done my part...I just need to stop now and see the results from the things that I have tried to do...