♥ Daily Blog: Too Tired

"If Jennifer's not going, then Tuan's not going."

The moment he countered that phrase, my whole perspective changed. I was surprised.

"I don't want him to think that you're the boss of me."

My whole perspective changed. Apparently, he doesn't want to be seen being "whipped" by me.
Funny. It's not like before anymore. I wouldn't want him to be controlled by anyone, and if he really is all mine, he wouldn't care what people may think. Furthermore, he used to make other girls envy me. In addition, I'm not sure what position I stand anymore. I can't seem to tame him like I used to. My whole perspective changed.

He did act upon his words today...surprisingly he DID show me more than he offered yesterday.

However, after reading what she wrote, I confirmed that my past assumptions were correct.

"My Cutie." It looks like he's not all mine. Furthermore, they had made plans together earlier...

I wonder if he says "My cutie" to her too....I wonder if he even says she looks cute, etc, etc.

They have been talking to each other on yim. Funny...I don't even know that he uses yim, nor do I know what his yahoo email is. Funny.

So why does he seem so confident in showing me this? There are many reasons. Maybe he doesn't care what I think and can come up with excuses.

"You should know her."

"I know you."

I don't know anymore. All I can do is trust him...but...in the back of my mind, I know that they will keep in touch...

My friend talked to me a bit. "Jen, you deserve so much better. You deserve someone who understands your needs and will stay loyal to you. To be honest, you are the strangest girl I have ever met. Every single girl I know, including myself, is not as faithful or loyal like you are. Even girls who have boyfriends check other guys out. But you, you are like over a hundred percent faithful. I can't believe that he doesn't see that loyalty and appreciate it. The least he can do is recognize it and return it in a way to make you happy."

"I don't know anymore," I replied softly. She continued talking, though.

"You know, when I see potential between a couple, I am usually always right. Though you guys have problems, I see a lot of potential for improving. If only he loves you enough to be aware of his actions. I agree with you, you're the only one trying."

"Eh...don't know anymore," I said again. I felt a bit sick.

"Jen, think about it this way. Perhaps they did have something, but the memories that you and him have created are far more special than whatever that she had. Even though each memory is different and unique in its own way, you and he have shared something very special and that specialness cannot be cloned or replaced.
If you want to feel better, I'll tell you what I think. I've talked to her before and have been around her. If you look at this in a logical way, do you honestly think that he'll ever go for her? Her background is quite wild, and I've seen the people she hangs around with. It's unlikely if he will really go for her.
Then again, he does play around a lot. I feel sorry for you at times. But you know, if he really cares about you, he would stop contacting her just for you. No explanations, no reasons, nothing. So think about it. If you are as important and as special as he says you are, he'll do anything to make you feel safe and happy.
Besides if he actually falls for her, I'll be amazed. I mean, she has a boyfriend already and can he actually see how she plays around and flirting with other guys? Really, Jen. If he's actually okay with that type of attitude, maybe you should act like that and give him a taste of his own medicine. Do what's best for you. Sometimes I wonder how can any guy not see what he has and keep it, you know? You are the strangest girl I've ever met. Did you come from a moral school or something?"

So yeah...she and I past notes back and forth...

I don't tell her many things, yet she looks at me and somehow narrows all the problems and concerns down correctly...

But...I really don't know anymore. As much as she is right, I am confused.

Other girls are actually quite considerate. They know their place, and they're quite nice. One may not be a good person, but if he or she knows that messing with someone's love life is wrong and is considerate of how the other person feels, THAT is a person who has some morals.

Not only do I know that he took photos of her for the newspaper (well, maybe), but I also know that they talk a lot. I never knew that I will meet such an inconsiderate person who enjoys messing with someone's goals and love life. And what's even more stupid is that the person I love "seems" to be okay with it too.

I can only hope that they stop contacting each other. It's not immature to hope for something like that. After all, she has completely ruined my junior year. I take responsibility for my own downfalls, but she was definitely a third wheeler. I guess I cannot feel secure, because of the things she had told me and the things I have overheard. As long as they still have contact, all I can do is trust...with insecurity.

There's a new feeling crawling up to me...I don't know how I feel anymore...

My perspective changed due to the things he have said after school.

And plans...what plans...she sure has a clever mouth though...complimenting him and stuff....

I guess he's just one of those people who doesn't want to know what his flaws are to better himself...but rather wants only good compliments and feel good about himself....and little does he know...that I'm not afraid to be blunt and tell him what i like and don't like.

He needs to see that it's better to receive an honest comment than to receive a good comment that is intended to take him away from someone.

But what they hey...too exhausted now...don't know anymore...

I'm still undecided about moving...I don't think he's completely back anyway...

oh yeah...no hug, kiss, etc. before I got out of his car. Very interesting.

I really don't feel like going tomorrow...but eh...a promise is a promise.

Still packing...