♥ Daily Blog: Reminiscing

As I'm reminiscing, I'm picking up some things as I go. I've fallen in love with that guy, and that's where my heart will belong. My dream guy has been altered.

Each day I'm going to post up some past convos. Convos that I've grown to love, worth to remember, and what my dream guy didn't have and should.

But before anything, I have something to get off my chest...

Even though I love him a lot, I've given every breath I have. Sometimes I need to break down and breathe. I've given my heart to him many times, but there is no success. Because as much as I appreciate what is in the present, this isn't where I want he and I to be. I'm not as important to him as he is to me. Whether he was mad, sad, etc., he would always talk to me right away. Always. Usually always.

I don't want to be only someone he needs, but also someone he wants. Someone to open to freely and someone to share the tears, confusion, and laughter.

An unsent freeverse poem will be posted up tomorrow.

"Empty Frames"

I can feel the raindrops
slowly falling
and they calling for
they keep calling for
my knight in shining armour
come and save me
cause i'm drowning in pain

i've been hurt
by his mistakes
so come and take me away
i put him first
i thought he'd stay
but he couldn't weather the storm
so he left me the rain

over time, pictures fade
all thats left are these empty frames
sleepless nights, and stormy days
i've got proof that people change
and all thats left are these empty frames
all thats left are these empty...

can you hear these teardrops
in my pillow?
they keep falling cause
i kept falling for your dozen thorny roses
now im bleeding
and im lonely again

over time, pictures fade
all thats left are these empty frames
sleepless nights, and stormy days
i've got proof that people change
long after the smiles all fade away
all this endless pain
all this empty space

all thats left are these empty frames

REMINISCING PT.1

T: lol don't think it's a bad thing
T: being a perfectionist means that you really care about the things around you.

T: lol u know wat?
J: what?
T: Stressed is Desserts spelled backwards lmao

T: lol videos appeal to your eyes, music appeals to your soul

T: hahah yeah
T: well i'm more worried about u and ur time xDD

T: hahah ur not weird xDD
T: don't think that x.x
T: ur more organize than other ppl
T: it prepares u for life
T: i bet that half the ppl in our school aren't as organized as u are
T: if you look at it one way, ur more prepared for life and have light years ahead of most ppl

T: lol ur not relying on me, i'm just filling in the gaps for u xD
T: give a man a fish to eat, feed him for a day. teach jen chem and it will stay with her for a lifetime xD

T: but u know i want u to be comfortable xp

T: gah where is it cut?
J: um i'm not sure if it's a cut
J: but basically err it's just terrible and my finger is like really numb
T: hmm call ur parents to check it out
J: they're sleeping
T: wake them up xP
T: this is an emergency
J:...
T: numbness is not good
J: eh...can't
J: they need their rest
J: oh well
T: geeze don't die on me now D: just b/c ur parents need their rest
T: put something over it to soak it and apply pressure
J: i did
J: -_-
J: bleh
J: can't move the finger
T: geeze im really worried about you x.x

T: well do wat u need
T: if I was there i'd make u lie down x.x

T: well i'm all done with my work
T: i'm not sure if I can leave u

T: hopefully u feel better
T: i really hope u do

T: so with u i have to try to be modest and study for once
T: otherwise...left to my own devices, i would sleep and wake up the next morning

T: but we would nvr know now would we? :P
T: to be honest, i wouldn't have any other way
J: how so?
T: cause...we can't turn back time, and if i did study with someone else, possibly they're not as intelligent as u xP

T: lol basically i plan ahead and learn about the next week's concepts
T: then i can do the hw really easily
J: =O plans? that's very good
J: really
J: so you plan too
T: hahah ive been doing that for the last 2 weeks xD
J: very awesome
T: yeah...i think i got it from u xP
J: huh?
J: ur not joking right
T: no xD
T: ur like the only one i know that plans xD
T: then somehow i had free time and i said "maybe i should go on ahead"
T: but yeah that's the plan but i go ahead when i feel like it
T: lol i feel bad for u reading all these typos and bad grammar

J: and i can't believe you make plans now
J: all along, i thought that you viewed the way i plan my life
J: was strange and awkward
T: no
T: lol
T: i admire that u do that
T: and have the discipline to stick with it
T: i really think that's admirable xP

J: a negative comment
T: no jen xD
J: actually, next to my panic ways haha
T: it means ur human
J: a very eccentric human being
T: lol but thats what makes u special and who u are :]

T: lol well if it makes any difference, i think ur a great person xP
T: and i'm a very picky person xP

T: lol but i want u to know that no matter what, there will always be at least 1 person who likes u for who u are
T: that's how i view things
J: that's good

T: lol from my view, ur a relaxing person, but when present with owrk, u changed
T: sometimes u need help but are too afraid to ask for it b/c u think of the conveniences of the ppl u are asking help from xP
T: and everything to u is balance

T: well sometimes ppl offer u help b/c they are nice
T: they don't need to be given anything in return

J: well...i hope you're not like the majority
J: because I'm very cautious when speaking to ppl
J: and then for some strange reason
J: i find myself talking more than I should
J: around certain others
T: lol same for me xD
T: we started out with a chem question
T: and look where we are now...lmao

T: ur like one of the few ppl i can hold a convo with xD
T: i have lots of things that i hide from ppl
T: but i feel comfortable talking to u about it xD
J: lol well everything you tell me is safe
T: lol duh xDDD
T: i trust u, otherwise i wouldn't answer ur questions and move on with my life

T: haha i'm serious
T: i'm not lying to u xD
T: we shared things about each other and i trust you xP

T: to get something u want u must sacrifice something of equal or greater value

T: hahah and ur gonna go watch ur right xD
J: of course
J: haha
J: i'll be like
J: the number one fan
J: :]
T: hahah
T: ur awesome jen xD
T: too bad its fake xDD

T: awhh u care about someone u don't even know xDD
T: lol underneath ur quiet exterior ur a person who cares about other ppl

T: well my friend is trying to set me up with someone so i HAVE to go on a date-ish
T: and then I have community service xP
T: sleep..
T: more sleep...
T: even more sleep...
T: then hw
J: wow. nice. have fun
T: lol i won't be xDDD
J: well you don't have to go but if u do, it just kind of shows that ur interested
T: lol i have to go. i don't wanna go D:

T: lol i have preferences to ppl i like xP
T: and sorry but latino is not one of them xD
T: plus she's not that good looking anyways xD
J: ptsh oh ic. u only go for looks
T: lol no don't take it like that
J: it's not that bad
T: personality plays a much bigger role
T: i'm not a superficial person
T: looks do play a role but not too much
T: why would u love someone just for looks?
T: beauty dies...feelings are forever
J: those are strong words
J: :]
J: well
J: "love is not about finding the perfect person, but is by seeing someone imperfect just plain perfect."
T: haha thats good
T: strangely i've heard alot of things
T: but not that one

T: hahah jen
T: i'm offering it xDD

T: lol or i'll put it in my locker and give u the combo to it
J: o.o
T: my locker is not stuffed xD
J: have you given your combo to anyone else?
T: umm nope nvr gave it to anyone xP
J: you must be trusting me a lot or s.o.
T: 1 i trust u xDD and 2. no one needed my locker b4 xDD
T: plus i KNOW u would nvr steal anything from me xDD
T: unless u have a dark side xDD
T: that i dont' know about

J: are u ticklish?
T: unfortunately yes xD
T: hahah aren't u? xP
J: generally no, but there's always a secret spot that would make me jump
T: lol i'm not going to look for it xP
T: well i don't want u to feel uncomfortable

T: how did u do the subscript thing? (sorry if its kinda stupid)
J: lol it's not stupid

T: wh do u always think i'm using u? xP
T: trust me that's the last thing on my mind xD
T: honestly xP
J: idk
T: really
J: it seems like u only talk to me for your own needs
J: i don't mean to be harsh
T: lol no
T: i talk to u cause ur a great person to talk to
T: and sometimes its fun xP
T: lol if i had free time and u had free time, i would talk to u just for fun
T: doesn't have to be chem or school or anything xP

T: hey are u still mad at me? x.x
J: mad...
J: about
T: i dunno...i think ur mad at me cause u think i'm using u x.x
J: eh. well it looks like it to me, but if u say ur not
J: i guess ur not
T: haha great
T: all i can do now is assure u that i am not

T: ur a nice person
T: and to me ur pretty interesting
T: lol yeah it's true that i do laugh at some things u do, but i'm not laughing at u xP
T: plus i feel comfortable being who i am around u
J: *tears*
J: now i feel like crying
T: lol don't be
T: i hope i didn't offend u xP
J: of course not
J: even though it's online
J: ur words
J: are really something
T: well, i can assure every word is true

T: lol hey that also proves my point that i'm not using u cause i can keep my actual conversation about myself with u xDD
T: with other ppl, i only tell them about 25 percent of myself
T: well i hope that ease some doubts u have about me xD

T: lol it's up to u
T: i cannot dictate ur trust
T: i can only reassure them

J: i thought i was a bit different
J: but alright
T: lol u are
T: it took u 3 weeks xP
T: half the time
T: yes you are the nicest person that i met xD
T: even though ur quiet and have some issues involving with schoolwork
T: ur overall personality is great

T: well lol if i earn ur trust then i would do anything not to lose it


the second half of october's convos will be reminisced tm

*noticed that he tried really hard to assure me that he's not using me. shows that he really doesn't want me mad or have any problem between us...he worked hard even for the little things....that did show something...didn't it...*

i picked out things i like...random things...things that touched my heart, made me skip a beat...things that made me smile...hopeful...

he's not back...and i'm hurting bc i've lost him...so the only way to deal with this...is to forget him someday....someday...

after all, there is still a tiny wall between me and him.

'till next time

(: jen-jen