♥ Daily Blog: It's a Whatever

Don't care anymore.

Oh yeah! I can leave in a few weeks. Good thing I still left my things in my suitcase.

lol i will never be okay with him and girls. NEVER.

lol he's just like other guys of the type. i mean, before, i thought he was like "a very faithful person who will only focus on one girl." but it turns out he's like other guys of the type.

so whatever. like i said, all or nothing. i either give all my faithfulness or none at all. he doesn't seem to appreciate it. I feel as if he's taking it for granted and not considering how i feel and what hurts me the most. he doesn't see anything wrong with him hanging with other girls. and if that's the case, he will NEVER give that up.

i can't deal with it anymore. idk who i am anymore. i'm just whatever now. he's not going to ever see from my perspective. it's not fair anymore. i stay over 100 percent faithful to him, only reserving everything for him....and all of that...results in he taking that for granted. seems like he enjoys having someone to unconditionally love him.

the world is in chaos. ppl nowadays hang with the opposite sex other than his or her lover and finds it to be "casually" just a hang out.

dumb. whatever. since he doesn't appreciate how i love him, then i'll just freaken don't care anymore. seriously, he's a great person and all, but he doesn't love me that much.

whatever. i cut off contact with my stalker. i actually don't care though. if it bothers him, then w.e. the stalker doesn't mean anything to me.

although...i really appreciate him helping me realize things.

"If he really does care about you, he'll give up whatever that's bothering you without hesitation."

eh...whatever...i'm afraid of love...tired of it too.

idk anymore rofl. i'm just letting my love for him flow...it's painful to leave it like that...but...nothing else i can do. he will never give it up...nor will he see it as a bad thing...nor will he care about my feelings to give that particular thing up.

so what do i do now? i have to painfully change myself.

being such a dedicated and faithful lover has taken me nowhere. i have no proof that he's appreciative of who i am as lover. nor do i receive the same devotion and love in return.

idk anymore. i'm a clear lover right now. i'm going to let the situation guide me to be whatever type of lover there is.

so if the situation calls me to be unfaithful, that's who i will be.

if the situation calls me to be a faithful lover like i used to, that's who i will be.

if the situation calls me to not be a lover anymore, then i won't be a lover anymore.

idk anymore. idk what's good and what's worth it.

i just know that i love him, but if he wants to be free and not consider my feelings, then so be it.

i'm not saying that he's inconsiderate. He's just not concern with my feelings and he just doesn't love me enough for anything.

so whatever. whatever. whatever. whatever.

i love him, and i don't know how much anymore. It's like...you love someone so much...and like...that person doesn't really look at the thing that troubles you most...and you feel empty, confused, and you just let it be. It's like...you love that person...but it's not in a way where you love the person with security.

I feel awkward..but...nothing i can do anymore.

i'm being happy, giving him love still, but...knowing that he won't return much, idk. i'm just giving, and i don't expect anything anymore...nor do i care what will happen anymore.

it's that sad...loving in silence...but at the same time...i feel insecure.

i'm afraid that if i keep feeling insecure...someday it will be permanent.

*sigh*

whatever. if he doesn't drive girls anymore, cool. i know he'll meet them up and call them and stuff. nothing i can do. maybe he's not giving anything up but rather just...........switching...and replacing...

dk anymore

hm

whatever.

haha i still love him.

lol my limit has reached though. i know i don't have limits...but i'm sick right now from so many tears. i wish he is the medicine to everything...but he doens't want to.

eh...seattle...seattle...

i'll still love him and i'm going to visit him or try to as much as possible before i leave. dc anymore. dc what he does anymore. just don't want him hurt or anything.

if he feels like he's caged in, then fine. he's not mine then. he hasn't given himself to me anyway then.

so...ima leave him with many smiles and laughter. i want to leave him with things where one day he'll realize some things. i don't wnat him to feel any guilt..but i just want him to see that i could have bring so much to him if he made me happy and love me just the way i wanted...i only ask from him few simple things:

trust, faithfulness, commitment, true love, and happiness.

I do wish that my love life can be like those movies. i dont know how much he loves me...but if he's not going to love me more than i love him...and since i have to be whatever now...i might need let it be and reduce the amount of love i'm giving.

until i am secured,etc., i cannot be vulnerable. right now, i have to limit what i say to him, i can't even talk to him like before anymore...he minds what i say now...and i feel so hurt bc i wish i'm the only one he can talk to about everything...and i'm not.

as i reflect, i realize that i've always tried to understand him, cheer him up, etc. but then...he uses his happiness to do other things with other ppl, and i feel as if he just takes what i do for him and leaves.

I've spent hours and days making that calendar for him. I did several rewrites and decorations...just so they can be perfect or close to perfect. I've spent hours trying to think of what to say in the little heart letters i give him each month.

All I can say now...is that I appreciate for having to have met a very amazing guy...the guy who has loved me and gave up some things without hesitation. I do wish that this one ongoing problem will be solved, but...since it isn't, I accept the fact that i'm just not worth it. I appreciate the guy who made the cd cases for me, the guy who attempted to buy a brand name purse for me....the guy who would always pressure me to talk to him about anything and everything. the guy would speak freely to me....who left himself vulnerable to me.

even now, i'm not going to hurt him...im already so hurt...and i will forever remain that way since he doesn't realize anything bad or negative from hanging with other girls. If he's not willing to be around only me, then I have to accept that. I'm letting my insecurities take over me. I'm not okay with everything, but I'll continue to put on a happy facade and pretend that everything is okay. There is no point in revealing my true self if he's not going to do anything to eliminate the one thing that troubles me.

i will always love him, but i will now have to change some things.

the change...starts Monday.

Besides, I appreciate his apology and everything...but the thing is...i'm looking at his actions...

*sigh*

i have already questioned about my faithfulness. there is no doubt right now...that i'm leaving my lover traits out in the open to be influenced and change.

The type of lover I am? idk. looks like i'll let the situation take over and guide me to become what type of lover i should be.

i mean..i am faithful and hardworking...but...idk anymore.


lols


i still love him very much.

even though i am filled with insecurities...

the phrase of "whatever" continues to exist...

...all or nothing...

i'm still giving all...but...i shall see what type of lover i should be...