♥ Daily Blog: Blue

I am so sick (external and internal). I have a fever, and I don't feel content.

I know that I'm a bit happy now, but I'm not sure if he's happy. If only both of us are happy...

I'm really not sure if he's happy or not...

Does he not want to be faithful to me...?

The reason why I keep mentioning about that subject is that I'm not completely secured yet. I guess I'm still waiting for actions. But...maybe I'll just not mention about this subject anymore...I'm really not sure if he wants to be faithful to me out of his own will...

All I can do now is to trust him...simply trust him...trust him that he'll do what he says...trust him that he won't hurt me...trust him that he won't lie to me...simply trust him. I don't want him to make promises that he won't keep...heck...men make promises and usually never keep them later on. So...hopefully he will fulfill his promises through actions...and not simply saying "i promise" many times....

It's just that...I don't think he's happy now.

Seeing him today was awesome though. He had a new haircut and a new hairstyle. It doesn't look bad...just different...it looks nice on him though....but I guess I didn't compliment him right away because I miss his old hairstyle...bleh..his old hairstyle looks better on him...even though the current one looks nice.

I'm afraid to be lonely later on. I shouldn't concern myself with the future...but...sooner or later...i'm going to have to face it...

One of my teachers divorced her husband, because she was lonely. His career came before her, and all he did was going to work....they didn't even have time for bonding or anything. She was lonely and her husband always went on business trips...he was always focused on his career...no time for lovers' time...no time for romance...anything...

I'm afraid that I might be lonely later on. Of course, work is important but...I'm just afraid that maybe I come in second...perhaps he put his work before me...who knows...all i know is...is that he'll be very busy later on...soon...he might be caught up with work and his career later on...and there won't be as much time to be with me as before anymore. one hour with me is short already...eventually...it's going to be half hour...20 minutes...10 minutes...even a minute just to see me and that's it.

i know i'll understand that...but...idk...i feel a bit empty...at the same time...i don't want to interfere...but at the same time...i wish i can have a good summer romance with him...followed by a fall romance...winter romance...spring romance...always..

*sigh* I always put love first, though...and this is why i ended up with a B in history...and this is why i lack a lot of sleep...this is why i'm sick now....this is why the things i give him are close to perfect...this is why i didn't have time to study for my benchmark on friday...mainly because i spent three hours signing his yearbook (he needed it back) and I had to rush putting the collage together...

and all of these results...i'm okay with it...i know that i put him first...and i don't really mind....because...for me, my classes are not as important as leaving a precious memory for him.

...i don't really want a kid anymore...it's kind of unfair to the child if he or she is raised by someone else...if i ever have a kid, i want all of us to be a nice, happy family...spending family time...going to the beach...attending the child's concerts...revisiting places together...(well duh since i'm planning to travel the world first...with him...if that is even possible).

*sigh* well i guess either way in the future...whether i do get married or not...i'm pretty much on my own anyway.

hm..i hope chivalry will never die out...