♥ Daily Blog: More Hours

The words "arranged marriage" cut my heart into pieces. One thing for sure is that...whether I live or I die, there is one thing that I must do, and I'm going to do it for him. I don't care, and I'm not afraid. The one thing to do before leaving this world is going to be something that I will never regret.

But I want to ask God why do I have to be involved with him in the first place, if I will end up with so much pain. Because....the moment I saw him, I realized that there's a connection.
And I realize that...the reason for all this...is perhaps God wanted this day to come, so I can finally take control of my life and ask Him to guide me. After all this time, I suddenly understand the reasons for all this.

I need to grow up and follow my heart to where it leads to. I must never let anybody make a decision for me. A person can suggest but cannot force. Remember how I always wanted to make a big difference in someone's life? This is an opportunity. I don't care if I fail or not. I don't care. At least I'm not afraid enough to try, and watch me, I will do it. You can't expect that you can die whenever you want. If I'm going to die from an accident one of these days really soon, at least I can be proud of myself that I have tried and took courage to do something that every teenager seems to be afraid to do so.

My opponent is myself. So are you up for it, Jen? Yeah. There's no turning back now.
In my heart, I strongly hope that his passion for me still lives fully.

And you know what? I finally learned that I actually didn't do what my philosophy told me to do. I should give and never expect anything. Give freely.
I also learned that God wants me to be strong. The things that have happened...why he let this relationship scattered and broken? God wants me to take responsibility and think things through and not be like my father.

Furthermore...I realized that...all along...I blame him for cheating on me...when really...he did that probably because of the way I've acted.

I mean...if he can laugh with other girls...I guess that's the reason...bc..he's happier with other ladies..

This is...one of the most difficult obstacle I have to face...and for me...I do have a choice too...and I chose to leave the world bc...death isn't my greatest loss.

If I am to make a difference in someone's life...I will do it. He has choices. He needs to wake up...he must realize...that he has choices...there are options...

one, he can sit there and give up on life bc he has no choice but to be forced
two, he takes control of his life...and prove everyone else wrong...and that he is a good person...and he will challenge that...
three, he must have courage to speak up his beliefs.

I was a bad supporter. But...I realized that...if he no longer loves me like before anymore...and if i slap him, he hates me...then yeah...his passion for me is gone...
But before I leave, I want to try something and I will. I said I will, won't I?
yes, I will do this.
It's life. take action.

*sigh* arranged marriages...now I'm hurt again...

i wonder what she looks like...

i wish...he tells me things again...but i lost his trust...i think...i didn't lie but...i lost his trust by my stupid behavior...

and...i will never get it back...

and so
I go.