♥ Daily Blog: Leave with a Smile

I don't want anyone to pity me.
I'm going to finish a song, finish letters, then head off.

Though if he finds someone else, I'm still a dumb turtle to stay faithful.

But what if karma hits him? What if one day someone whom he truly he loves cheats on him...a full blown one?

Sometimes...I think this is all deja vu. I probably was given a second chance to live. For some reason, I realize that I know what I will do. I know that I will do something...
As I reflect back on my life, I notice that I have lived as an object. Never a human being...but rather...a person to toy with.

We come to love not by finding a perfect person, but by learning to see an imperfect person perfectly. I chose him, because I love him. He may not be perfect, with a few flaws here and there. But his flirting flaw brought me to him in the first place. He was talkative.
And he was my imperfect person; He was the imperfect person that can be perfect...the imperfect person that has the most potential into becoming a better person.
He comes with a package, either I accept all of it or reject all of it. I accept all of it, and he was perfect in the beginning. He had a perfect start. But slowly, the package started to have dust, and I guess instead of dusting it off, I blew more dust in.

But his kiss...wasn't the same anymore...less passionate...less everything...
I am hurt because...even though I appear to rarely compliment him, I realize that I compliment on him a lot...just never said it out loud...
I realized...that I hide my true feelings often.
How can his passion for me die so quickly?
Is he testing me? Is he testing me now?
I don't understand...how I can be so mean to him...I can't even set my messages straight. Perhaps I'm mean to him because I don't want him to know my feelings for him.

"Love is not about finding the right person, but creating a right relationship. It's not about how much love you have in the beginning but how much love you build till the end."
And in the end...he gave up.

Because I have settled for him....because I made sure that he was my last person to be with...but he left me...I wasn't chosen...why won't he love me...

My other self: Because you stopped trusting him.
Me: If he wants to earn it back, he'll try to earn it back.
My other self: Did you even give him credit?
Me: He didn't even try! Ha!
My other self: Okay, well maybe because you said your love for him is different.
Me: Different because he cheated on me.
My other self: Why did he cheat on you?
Me: Because I'm an ugly girl and a bad girlfriend.
My other self: You know...if he loves you very much, perhaps he's acting like a jerk so you can get over him. Perhaps he thinks he's not good enough for you.
Me: Ptsh. Acting like a jerk until I die...yeah...that's love right...
My other self: Stupid! He wants you to move on to find a better person.
Me: Me stupid? You have a balooney mind!!! Maybe he thinks he wants me to move on because he likes somebody else.
My other self: Think about it. He's letting you go, because he loves you. He's setting you free.
Me: Heh...and since I don't want to be let go and rather trying to come back to him, I'm meant to be his.
My other self: I've been wondering about that astrology thing...
Me: Oh yeah...the one where my relatoinship with him is in the top 5 percent strongest.
My other self: I really think he's the one for you. The one for you should never make you cry, but have you ever thought that if the one for you makes you cry, it shows that you love him. If you make him cry, it shows that he loves you too. Maybe there's a lesson to be learned.
Me: What's that?
My other self: It is better to go for someone who loves you, rather than someone whom you love.
Me: So I love him, and he doesn't love me.
My other self: Actually, he loves you more than you love him. Wake up! He was there for you, was he? He tried to be there for you, and break free from his mother to be with you. Yet, what do you do? Instead of allowing him to love you, you push him away, attempting more suicide and ignore his efforts. Instead, you left him alone. Instead, you want more.
Me: If he loves me, why would he continue to flirt? He knows that I don't trust him as of now. If he wants to prove something, he'll do it. Instead, he compliments other girls while HE told me NOT to compliment other guys.
My other self: If you actually start to trust him...even just one percent of trust, maybe he would realize that there's no need to flirt with any other. You would be the only girl he'll love to talk to, the only girl he'll flirt with. If you put faith in him, maybe he would have seen that you are trying too..
Me: So if he loves me more than I love him, then why do I feel so heartbroken for the things he do?
My other self: You're too focused on doubting him. You expect so much from him that you can't find the good side of him. You're hurt because you're not only super sensitive, but also because you look at him as someone to be with forever.
Me: Perhaps..you're right...er..I'm right.
My other self: You want to kill yourself right now, because you're hurt and afraid. You're afraid that he will leave you forever, and you want to kill yourself, because it's not the greatest loss.
Me: He's gone.
My other self: Ugh, snap out of it. Think positive from this situation for a second. Right now, he's acting like a jerk because he wants you to hate him. Can you possibly believe that he can change that fast? You know him, Jen. You know him. Don't be fooled. Perhaps, he's under pressure and realizes that his mother has affected you so much in a negative way. He may not want you to be hurt.
Me: He doesn't even care if I die or not. He doesn't think I'll do it. I'm sitting here...at 4 AM writing letters. He doesn't even reply to my messages.
My other self: He knows you. Don't underestimate him, but...he knows you quite well. You're not threatening him, but..he trusts that you won't hurt yourself.
Me: Sometimes, unexpected things happen.
My other self: Well, look, this really does look like the end for your life. You've been writing letters nonstopping. But, don't you want to know his answer? His reason behind all this?
Me: I emailed him many times. No replies. Therefore, I go.
My other self: He's giving you time to think.
Me: I thought about it already. I've decided.
My other self: If he's going to prove his love for you, then wait and see. He will prove it to you by tomorrow but ONLY if he loves you. I think he does. Just wait and see. Don't do anything yet.
Me: Watch.
My other self: For once, I say no, and I'm going to step on it. Wait and see. Everything he has done, he's trying to be a jerk to you.
Me: Heh and he dresses up too.
My other self: He has his reasons...like for a job interview perhaps.
Me: *sigh* No...
My other self: Do you want a bet?
Me: Sure.
My other self: If you two are still together and live happily ever after and he will apologize and give you fully explanations about lately, stop these suicidal thoughts.
Me: Fine. And if everything goes badly, I go bye-bye.
My other self: Deal
Me: But if I finsh my letters, I can go.
My other self: Well, if you're meant to be gone, then you will finish your letters soon. In that case, I am powerless against your will. I have done everything I can. I just hope that the one who has caused you this much pain can heal you and love you like you've never been loved before....and I hope he does it before it's too late.
Me: If I leave...I leave with a smile.
My other self: By the way, his kisses for you may be different due to stress. If you're devoted to him fully once again, perhaps he will be the dream guy he said he will be.
Me: His work comes first anyone. Even if I die, his work still comes first.
My other self: What happend to you? Snap out of it. If you want him to be your dream guy, let him do what he needs to do first. Help him this once.
Me: Yeah...