♥ Daily Blog: Hold

I collapsed onto the ground while walking home. No water came out from my eyes, though....but I was sobbing. For a minute there...I thought I couldn't breathe. Each breath I inhaled was heavy and hard. My heart seemed to leap a bit.

I want a perfect relationship....for once, I just want a perfect relationship this badly. I feel so exhuasted lately....I'm looking at the screen right now, and I see the laptop turning.

Nothing is the same. How I wish I can really fall into an eternal sleep and never wake up...
Holding hands...it wasn't the same. No longer there was laughter. Only silence.
Hugs were empty. I gave the same feeling, but in return, I receieved emptiness...
The best times that I ever had have disappeared into thin air....

I feel a thousand needles being thrown against my body. My heart is in chains. Right now, feels as if there's a dagger connected to it, for my heart feels so heavy. I miss him. I miss the those times.

If they ever come again...I feel as though they will not be the same. They won't come naturally anymore.....

Suddenly, I feel like taking pills.

He won't be happy, will he. No matter how much I look at things the same way, I doubt that he will.

It's gone. For heaven's sake, it's gone. The more I think about it, the more I want to find more cans and cut myself with them. I don't know if it's gone, but......what if it is?

The times where I was able to be in his arms, they're gone. Everything.

Yet, here I am...still clinging to the very last hope I have to the very last second.

I'm not drinking caffeine, yet now my heart feels as if I have drunk two cups of vietnamese coffee.

I guess I'm not close to the ideal person anymore.

I'm not the first person in any of his gestures anymore.

Well, I am never number 1. Why does it hurt me?

As I waited for the traffic lights, I couldn't help but to think what it would be like if I had taken a step down to the road while the cars were rushing by.

For all the experiences I had, I will never forget.

I'm so stupid...I'm just so stupid...

But why must he be like that toward others....I just want to feel special for once...I guess I'll never will.

I can't stop sobbiing...I want to fall into an eternal sleep forever....

And dream about the memories that I hold so dear to me....

It's suffer. I stood there....wanting to be hold, wanting to help, and simply hoping that he won't play around with others anymore. It's suffer.


I'm suffocatng. How I would do anything for a drug that will give me eternal sleep right now. I want to relive and dream the memories I had. I want that feeling again...

I'm selfish. I want so much in this aspet of my life, yet I can't have any. I held them for a split second, and they simply slipped away.......

More cans, please.

One healed. No scar. Let's create one more. After that's healed, another one will come. There is no pain physically.

I feel nausious.

~jen-jen