♥ Daily Blog: Gone

Even before, when I let go of most of my dreams, I still had a string connected to them, still had that spark of hope within me that they may come true one day. But now....they are permanently gone.

I never asked for it...yet it came, and it made me realize that I actually really like that type of thing. I became more expressive toward that person, thoughts...actions...emotions...all. That side of that person...I loved it. I truly loved it. That hidden side.

But, he's gone. It's up to him to whether keep what side he wants. That hidden side...it's gone. He had something that no other guy seemed to have....and I grew to like it. It's gone now. It's time for me to freeze up my emotions once again. The person melted the ice, but...where is that person? He's gone, so there's no point for me to be expressive any longer. I've never been so expressive to anyone in my whole life. I don't think no one has ever loved me, touched me, and knew me all at the same time. However, he left.

He was perfect, just perfect...now that I think about it. He was the perfect imperfect person. Sure, he may not have the same religion, the background I wished he had, and etc. But knowing him, I'm sure he would respect me and would not be influenced by that background.

The person who opened my heart, who was dreamy, and showed me so many things....who at times made me feel as if I was really that lucky girl in the movies...the princess...etc.

He's gone.

And so, this side of me will also be gone...

I think those sides belong to each other. The other one dies, this one dies too.

But...tbh...that was my happiness there...the only happiness that I want for myself. That's all I ask for myself..haha but...i guess..i can't really have that.

I used to think that the idea of karma was a really good idea. It helped me think positive...because I believed that no matter how much I cry, eventually I won't and my tears will be replaced with many true smiles. However, karma is just an idea.

Seems to me...no matter how strong I keep my morals and help others, they're not going to be paid off lol. Tbh...my intention is to give and give...from my heart and my strength. I just want people to be happy.

But if karma really does exist, then that will be nice to receive something back. It's just an idea though...apparently, it doesn't apply to me. (:

Overall, my heart will soon be frozen once again...and I'm quite sure that it will become ice, hard and solid.

lol it's not that i don't like change. in fact, i'm open to change. But....I want change for the better...at the same time...there are still things that I want to stay the same, because I value it. Take music for example. Songs these days sound completely different from the ones before. Yet, just because songs have changed doesn't indicate that my new favorites replaced my old ones. I still listen to my old favorite songs...enjoy listening to songs that are ten years old or so. I keep the ones I love and choose the new things I love and simply add. I may replace a few, but in general, what I love, I keep..

eh....once my mom gets back...I wonder if I can go for a private check up. -_- I feel as if I'll get a heart attack everytime I think about certain things. I wonder if my heart itself is okay physically...

~jen-jen