♥ Daily Blog: Cry

Before proceeding, I recommend that this post will not be read. There are more pleasant posts yet to come, and this blog happens to be convenient for me to type right now.





Crying does doesn't mean anything. It just shows that one is sad and depressed. My emotion doesn't mean anything.

I cried so often that even those around me treats it like a regular hobby that I do.
It's fine. I would like to move onto a different life sooner.
Sometimes, I look back at the first time where my esteem rate was below 1, and I wish I had really done it and not let others persuaded me to not to.

Sometimes I wish I was more happy, so I can make the person I love to be more happy. At times, I realized that my happiness doesn't matter.

Society is generally selfish. One should only be satisfied first in order to satisfy others.

I honestly don't know what to do. I honestly don't know how to vent out this eruptive emotion I'm having. Typing things out, writing things out no longer calms myself down anymore.

As I'm watching one of the episodes from 1 Litre of Tears, I suddenly wish that I could've switched places with Aya (well even though I wans't borned yet). She has so much to live for. My life is pretty much wasted....there's someone who can really make use of it.

If I can really die from crying, I think I'll succeed in that. I cry for unknown reasons now. Perhaps...I'm feeling insecure?
Right now, I feel as if he is tired. It is...kind of obvious as I observed today. I also saw signs too.

I even warned myself from the beginning...Don't fall for him. You'll love him continuously and your own passion may kill your own self.

I don't know what to do. Why do I suddenly feel as if it's faded? Furthermore, if not, then has he changed?

It doesn't matter if the passion remains the same or not, the fact that he's changed might lead to a change in how he treats me or anything else. I really love him for who he is, and now I'm so scared.
Why does it hurt so much? Right here, in this heart of mine. Why does it hurt so much?

And I physically feel it in pain. I cannot stop crying. Why must I cry? I'm done crying. Tears are just dripping out because they need to, that's all. I'm not crying...tears are just dropping.

If I am to be selfish, then here's one....I want him to myself. I guess it's not possible. He has changed.

The more I bring this up, the more tears are coming out. Why is that? There's got to be something where I can make it stop.

Then again....I too have changed. My grades are dropping. Well, I guess I can't blame him if he lost interest in me.

If only suicide wasn't a sin or else I would definitely do it now, leaving nothing behind.

I really, really want him for who he is. As time passes, I'm afraid of losing the guy I fell in love with. My feelings don't seem to matter much to him anymore...but eh...they shouldn't, for all they do is bringing his own emotion down, which I don't want that. Sometimes though, I wish he has commitment. Complete love isn't present. I'll stay up all night if I have to if he himself can't sleep or feels down. Sometimes on the lonely nights where I stay up to think, I feel alone. Now, alone isn't bad, i actually enjoy it. But this type of lonliness.....is a killer. It follows me everywhere, and unfortunately, can only be gone if he was there. But I don't depend on anyone. I rather suffer.

I suddenly realize....that it is true. Girls who take the initiative will suffer. The guys, apparently, will not care as much.

As Mr. Brodowski had said....sleep, food, and girls are really the main sources that guys need and nothing else.

Now to wonder...is he really my best friend. Perhaps I wanted him to be my best friend so much that I ovrlooked the fact that he didn't need another one. A best friend would not only love you but would help you with everything in life such as hw and any type of problem.

One of my friends mentioned to me the other day, "A girl best friend isn't possible. There will always be something between the girl best friend and the guy best friend." She's right. And I'm sitting here now, wondering and suffering about the fact that someone I love cannot be fully mine.

Here I am, blowing my nose until the tissue needs to be ripped. It is worth it. I deserve this kind of suffer.

Say one thing, do the other. It's who he is. I cannot change that. Everything he has ever said...was too good to be true...

Here I am, crying to the point where I start choking. It is worth it. I deserve this kind of suffer.

And I am stupid to even keep my hopes up. I am mad at who I am. The things I do for him are based on my strength...I didn't focus on how much strength I had left but rather focused on the amount of hours I need to get it done. I didn't do something for him just to get it done. I took time to do and make sure that he was happy. That is love. I even crumbled about five sheets of paper just bc I made a one mark mistake. I didn't mind how many hours it took. I didn't do it to get done. I did it because I love him.

Here I am, coughing myself to the point where my throat hurts. It is worth it. I deserve this kind of suffer.

I'm simply out of words to describe everything that's on my mind. As usual, being too nice eventually gets me nowhere.

I honestly....just want him as he is....

And I guess...I can't. And I guess I also have to share him.

Is it possible to cry myself to the point where I will be out of tears? No...I want to get sick.
I really do.

I see signs that scare me. Well it's okay. Effort, love,and hobbies are all I really have left. However, perhaps love will be eliminated one day too....maybe...i hope not...but i don'tknow. I am truly not a very desirable girl.

What is it like to live and not know?

~ jen-jen