♥Daily Blog: I deserved it.

Never in my life has my sister said such words.
Never in my life has such a day happened.

By all means, I'll be moving out once I'm 18, getting a job.

That's what my life will be. Work...work...work.

No school. Nothing. No career, really.

They're right. I deserve it. I deserve to be treated this way. I deserve to fall in love with a guy who doesn't even love me. I deserve all the pain that the guy gave me. I deserved it.

I deserve to be mistreated, to reveal my body to the person who won't be with me in the future.
I deserved it.

My parents, my sister...

I realized that I deserved all of this. I'm selfish, because I wanted to have my own cell phone...i'm selfish because i want a cell phone in which i'll be the first one to use it.
I'm selfish because I always compare to see if it's fair.

I have so many materials, huh? But why am I crying?
I seek materials because I have no love. Materials are the only things that can at least cheer me up...make me feel lucky somewhere..sometime.

I deserved to be treated this way. How could I have ever thought that he would love me that much? How could I have ever thought that he would love me to the extent that my happiness will be his goal? I've given him love...deep inside the wound from no appreciation...I gave him love...and all i wanted...

All i wanted that's for myself is to be loved. I want to be loved..i want to mean the world to someone...that would be enough...I don't need my parents' love...i don't need anyone else's..

I don't deserve to be loved...

How I feel...it didn't matter...it didn't matter at all...
But when another person's feelings got hurt...that mattered.

It didn't matter if I were alive, it didn't matter. I can help others, but i don't deserve help when i need it.

Call me selfish, reckless, annoying...

I wouldn't say sorry if I didn't mean it.

He gave me many things, but was i happy? in the end, no. Because he never loved me. Furthermore, he looked down at me, told his friend about that volcano tea thing...thinking it was all cool.

Such thought...such thought...and how did i feel? Used, taken for granted, a laughing stock.

I deserved it. I deserved it all.
The pain, everything. Who I am...I'm sensitive...yet, they all pushed it to the max. I don't WANT to cry, I just cry. I hate crying...i get sick...
I can't hold in my tears. They come like rainfall.

They all pushed it to the extreme..to the point where it seemed like I shouldn't be in this world, that I should go die, or do what they "expect"

I am not needed. lol. Did I really think that he needed a calendar? that he needed monthly letters? The time i fight hard for...the sleepless nights...the thinking moments...

How could i be so stupid to think that those things were good enough?

Sister gets money for her awards...she only has two. And all those years...all those awards that I worked hard for...i earned nothing...
Sister gets 5 extra dollars per week for her snacks...and i...have no extra...to get two meals per week.

I deserved it. I deserved to be lied to. I deserved every last bit of those treatments. Every last bit.