I must be very stupid.
Taking AP classes and end up with b's and c's whereas i could have taken honors classes and have a's
Perhaps then i will be accepted into UC's
Because apparently, i should only take ap classes if i can get a's and b's in those classes, preferably a's.
But since i take ap classes and step up to take challenges but end up with b's and c's, i'm not allowed to be accepted into uc's.
Ridiculous. A student who doesn't take as many ap classes as i did and took only honors classes end up in uc's. Yet, i can easily get a's in honors classes, but no, i took a step up and took ap, and i get rejected.
Ridiculous. Another student with a 3.5 GPA and has a 1400 on SAT end up being accepted, just because that student joined a lot of things.
And here I am, trying to find time and actually joined scouts, church choir, a sport, a few clubs (even though they're not key club), have a 3.88 GPA with over 1400 on the SAT
And i got rejected.
I tried to balance it out, had i not?
I know. I'm not going to UCI, but still, being accepted will let me know that my hard work actually got me somewhere. Yet, no. I'm just some girl who doesn't have book smart AND street smart.
And other than that, i'm also very human. i cry, i love, and i care. i care about my relationship with my boyfriend, i love my boyfriend very much, yet in turn...he doesn't love me like i thought he does.
He used to smile, stare at me, and always cared enough to ask "What's wrong?"
And when i refused to answer, he would tell me "C'mon D: tell me."
But now, he no longer smiles anymore. He's not in love with me, for i bet that he doesn't even count down the hours and days until the next time he spends time with me. And even now, when I completely trust him...(which explains why i feel quite happy lately because...i completely trust him that he's keeping his word), i'm the only one who's happy.
He's not happy. He chooses others over me and the relationship. Otherwise, he would be happy too right now. It pains me to see him like this. Yet i'm keeping my promise to him about being happier. I trust him, and now i'm happy knowing that he's keeping his word. Basically, i'm keeping my word...i'm trusting him over that one issue and i'm not crying over that one issue.
So far, i am happy. However, he isn't.
And it pains me to see him like this, yet at the same time, it pains me too because i can now see clearly that my happiness and the relationship aren't that important to him.
I can see that he would rather be with girls, leave me behind and not devote all his time to me..
I can see that being with me doesn't have that much impact on him. I can see that the relationship is not on the top of his list...
Because he isn't happy, even when the relationship appears to be fine now.
I also keep asking him what college he wants to go to, but he has no idea where to go yet.
And what hurts me the most is that he doesn't want to go where i want to go.
My dream is not of my career, but rather him. My focus is not about getting a good career but rather...
get a career and be with him.
I don't want to be selfish and uncaring...thus, i don't just make my own decisions; i try to think what would be the best for him and me...i try to make decisions that will benefit him and me together..
I am obviously not going to UCI, a place with over 50 percent Asians.
And if he goes there, he'll find another girl easily. But i guess...if he does choose to go there, i will then know that he and i are not meant to be...
For he's not faithful, for i'm not important to him.
Besides, i honestly want to go to a college that is different and unique. Asians are competitive, inconsiderate, and disrespectful.
I am racist to my own kind, and though I am asian myself, at least people can tell that i'm not a typical asian.
I wish he would tell me his decision already; i'm afraid that if he won't tell me soon enough, i will be forever lost in MY future.
Right now...it's like...I'm asking him about what he sees in us in the future...
i just...i just feel so...unworthy...i'm giving him my all, my dreams, but...where am i in his dreams? Where am I in his decisions?
Where am I in his life?
I no longer see him smile and laugh anymore; he no longer wants to buy me stuff; no longer does he hold my hand and let others see that i'm his gf...
He signs on late; we don't have time to talk much anymore..
he's not happy...and it's funny because...this is how i want the relationship to be...peaceful, happy, and committed.
But...he, on the otherhand, seems to prefer a relatoinship that has no commitment..idk what to feel..i dk how i should feel...
I just want to see him smile with me, to see that he's happy with the relationship...
But he isn't...because he would rather do what he wants...than to have a committed relationship.
He's not happy to see my smiles; he's not happy to see the way i put the relationship first over others...
While here I am...unhappy because he isn't smiling, unhappy because he's not happy with the newly formed relatoinship.
And i love this guy very much so, wanting to be with him all the time....
But seeing him like this breaks my heart...perhaps i should let him go...because he's not happy with how things are right now...
And here i am, happy with the way things are ish...but...if he's not happy, well...clearly he's not in love with me...and clearly...
the relatoinship means no more than merely a joke to him...
He doesn't like my singing, he's not proud for the things i try to do...yet i'm' always supportive of him in pursuing his business...always congratulate him when he sells something...
always the first one to see that...
i am a nobody.
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P.S. I like this dress from Charlotte Russe...so i'll just save a pic and put it here.
