♥Daily Blog: Quick Post...last post for awhile...(pt.2)

His springbreak is coming soon, will i get two extra days with him?
His friend's birthday is coming soon...feel as though something bad will happen...
I'm afraid that the string is weak already and if it's managed to be hung onto...well by the time his friend's birthday comes around...what if it's broken?

My future becomes so blurry now, and i've come to decide that if he and i fall apart, i'll be a nun after that.

Love is just...too heartbreaking for me...even back then, when i had a crush someone, it hurt a lot too.
But my love for this person right now...it has never died out, but yet so damaged. So heartbreaking and...furthermore, i know i'll love him forever.
I included him in all of my future dreams, now i'm left with nothing.

I'm now just tired of school...used to like it but...so many things happened that i've grown to hate my school, grown to despise school in general.

I don't know if i want to go to college. i'm afraid that if there's no definite what will happen to him and me, i will just be more frustrated. If he hasn't changed, then going to college with him might be as terrible like last year's.

I stopped caring about my grades last year, for i truly loved the guy and knew that he was human...and that life is not really based on grades.
But even when i was doing well...things happened and i just stopped.

I don't even want to go to college..not anymore...and even when i'm depressed and gloomy, playing the piano..writing..singing...don't help me to be temporarily happy like they used to.

I don't see any joy within life anymore...i mean...i love him with my all without hesitation...i truly had wanted to marry him...thought of all the beautiful things...i looked forward to travel with him...everything.

But now...i just...idk...i mean...if this relationship won't last...well after that, i'll just take another path and become a nun...lol...i've sinned a lot anyway...gotta repent..

Even if i live with dogs, i will be indeed lonely. And even if some guy approaches me, i still won't care, because i have someone in my heart already.
This is just...who i am...

Why must he tell me that he likes to be alone too back then?

Anyway...lol i'm worthless in this world..what can i do for him? My loyalty and true love for him don't touch his heart and give him a reason to want me happy and be happy...

What can i do for him? His friends are more important than i am, so he would rather be with them than to be with me...his socialness is much more of value than my own feelings.

I'm not worth it because...he won't fix anything..

But i love him very much, and he is worth my love...he is worth a lot..i think he's a very awesome being...

What can i do for him, though? I mean...he drives me around...wake up on saturday even though he doesn't want to...buy me food sometimes...

But what can i do for him? i made cards, i keep my word, and all those non physical things yet...
perhaps those things are meaningless in this world...

He doesn't want to make love to me...maybe he finds no reason too...doesn't love me that much..or maybe i'm just disgusting

I am of no worth. I don't even find joy in materials either...nothing...

i don't want to love anymore...i love him..i love someone already if if this doesn't work out nor improve...

well..i guess i'll just leave life behind and pursue a spiritual one..

at least...in the end, ppl will believe that what i said about loving one person for the rest of my life and revealing my body to one person only...

is true.