♥Daily Blog: Quick Post...last post for awhile...

Last week was..confusing..when he didn't sign on several days last week...i was okay.
But now...if he says that he and i are together..

Not signing on nor calling me to say the usual stuff...is something that's..different.

Despite the fact he said that he and i are still going, seems as though he's done...done as in...just..
done...

And then i remembered him saying "We're done" with complete certainty.
It's different when he says it...it's different when i say it...thing is...i don't want it to end, i want it to improve and continue..
But he doesn't want to fix anything...

It cuts deeply. The first time.i'm sure that the relationship still exists and..he never signed on to say his usual stuff.
Even if he's tired, he would still have said his usual stuff.

Communication used to be so strong...he would talk through everything...he would try to call...he was very focused on me.

But...there's no use telling him, explaining to him...

He's too good for me, and i'm not worth his time or his complete love. I'm not worth for him to improve and for the relationship to improve.

I took his car, and though i apologized, and though i know i won't do it again...

He doesn't care. Yet..how many times have i forgiven him? To give him one last trust...he gives me none.

He did what he did back then and he risked losing the relationship. Yet i only made one mistake and didn't even do it again, and i lose everything.

no more hanging out during sunset..i was even about to asked him to sadies..using the dance as an excuse for him and me to spend the night somewhere..

But what's the point...he only cares about himself...trust means a lot to him but all i did was taking his car, didn't realize that he would totally flipped out...i knew i was going to be okay..

And of all the things he did to me....he only...cares about his feelings...he hangs onto me because he doesn't want to let go...

And when he feels fine letting me go, he just lets go, leaving me out cold.

Yeah...he's too good for me...i do one thing...one thing that i didn't even do it to hurt him on purpose...one thing that i wouldn't even do it again...and i lose my time with him. Does he really want more time with me? Does he even treasure time..?

And he does so many things back then...but i managed to forgive because i had hope that he'll improve...

Maybe it's time for me to realize that...despite how he says he loves me...

If he doesn't treasure the time he has with me, if time with me doesn't matter to him...and if he can't be certain that he'll improve...

He really doesn't love me at all. I mean, i treasure and look forward to friday's all the time...

School exhausts me but knowing that i get to see him on friday gives me some strength and a smile to wake up and get through another day. And when the sun begins to set, i feel disappointed because my time with him will end.

But what about him? obviously...time doesn't matter to him but it does to me...so as punishment for making one mistake recently, he takes the time that he and i could have during the night...away..

Why do i feel so empty...why do i feel so sad...lol...maybe it's because facing the truth that he doesn't truly love me hurts me the most.

I know, he says he loves me..that he's wililng to try to improve...but...still...

He's not..happy about it. I mean...i kept my promise by not discussing my personal relationship matters with anyone and i feel happy doing that...i feel happy because i know that in doing that, he will be happy...

But...he just sees me as some restriction now...he doesn't want to do anything for me...

I no longer recognize the relationship...and it was all fake from the beginning...

but i believed it for a long time, and well...i still miss the things he and i shared...

He would smile a lot, wouldn't he? And even though he never loved me, what he did was believable...for i believed that he really did love me...

He talked to me really nicely, he was happy doing things for me...communication was strong...he wrote me poems...

I wish he can see that who i am portraying myself right now isn't me...
It isn't the real me...i am trapped inside somewhere...

But...he's not going to look at me the same way, now would he?

I'm so afraid that...i lost him...so afraid that...everything i did in this relationship can never be forgiven and forgotten.

all i can say now is...sorry....

He's not going to look at me the same way anymore...why is it so difficult...he wants me to be like before but how can i be that way if he's not certain that he'll improve forever?
Furthermore...he doesn't even feel anything while he's "improving"

If he truly improves...then of course i would eventually come back to who i was...

i just hope that he truly improves before this negative side becomes every part of who i am...

Then again..he doesn't...want to improve..he's just doing it...

Even if i am being optimistic thinking that "oh well if he's going to improve and feel happy about it because the relationship will improve too, i will show him that i do keep my word in being stable."

But even so, he's not happy...he's neutral.

I'm afraid that...even if i'm staying in this relationship...it will go nowhere unless he really does love me and want to do improve the relationship...
It will go nowhere unless he stops looking at me this way...

Maybe...there's no turning back...it doesn't matter how many times i forgave him, it doesn't matter how many letters i wrote, doesn't matter if i do keep my word that i won't take the car like that again...

Because underneath it all, he doesn't love me. Maybe he did, and if so, well...he doesn't love me the way he used to anymore.

If he doesn't want to spend time with me during the night, then he doesnt want to, and he'll find a way to get out of it. If he doesn't treasure the time, then he won't find a way to get more time. He will threaten time on me...just like he always did...

How i have to let him go to sleep and bear the problem alone or else i don't get to spend time with him that much...

What good...is this relationship anymore?

Someone should just beat me up, because obviously, there must be something wrong with me.

Dogs get injected with poison to die because they're going to be in pain if they live. I always thought that was sad and crazy but...then again, ppl say that it's an act of a favor.

Obviously...i am just a dog too, then. I'm loyal, and i'm happy to see the person i love. I get sad when i'm not really noticed by the person i love, and then i get lonely. My dreams and my life revolves around him and the things i would dream of him and me having.

but now i have a broken leg, a broken arm
There's no money to replace those; i will just be in more pain living, and ppl will pity me and stuff when they see me.

My analogy stops here.