♥Daily Blog: Valentine's Day

I saw a couple with SIX kids this morning...SIX o.o

2 boys and 4 girls...

A happy family, though.

At some point, i wondered what's it like to have a child with him. Picturing a happy family, but then...i just shook my hand.

Fantasies...



As my dad was driving....i caught glimpse of an old and married couple...walking arm in arm, cuddling..on the streets. Each was holding a heart balloon...the woman had beautiful roses with her too.

Such a beautiful sight.

That's what I want - a happy marriage.

I will be living with loneliness later on. Lonely...but...perhaps i'd rather be lonely than to be married and suffer.
I'd rather be lonely than to get married...and never be truly loved...

I don't understand why my body feels its belonging whenever he and i are together. I don't understand it. There's an attraction but a feeling of right.
Our bodies are just....too comfortable.

I feel so depressed today...

My mother didn't get anything from my dad...while all her friends received roses and what not.
She then told me and my sister, "Don't worry, that won't happen to you guys. Your lovers will give you lots of roses and all those romantic things."

And ironically, TEARS started to form around my eyes.

I received a single rose...not perfect and not planned. As I watch guys and men surprising their loved ones with roses, bears, etc...

I feel...all empty.

Last year...my lover planned and had things settled...it was special...something that doesn't happen often...i got a pretty letter too..

But...am i supposed to tell him that i'm not happy with what he did for me this year? He doesn't understand..movie and dinner...
He's just using the excuse that...it's the thought that counts...

All I can see is a difference...a huge difference.

the teddy bear was cute...but i wasn't happy receiving it and the single rose. nothing moved me, and it's NOT because i'm picky...

it's because valentine's day...well...he didn't make it special. it's hard to explain...but...idk..

i mean...i got a big dog last year...i wouldn't say that it's cute and pretty...but it touched my heart.

idk...

I started to cry silently today...not wanting to cry but...can't help it.

Mother wants me happy...she wants me to be like that lucky friend of hers...

I can't help but remember the beautiful roses that someone gave me two years ago..

Even my mother said, "Oh my gosh, who gave you those? They're so beautiful!"

There were like 9-11 roses...each one was perfect..no flaws...and they were very unique. It was definitely not something that was sold on the streets.

They must be from some awesome store...
The roses were beautifully wrapped...i also...got a gift bag with a box of my favorite chocolates, a card, and a book. I also got the same necklace as the person had...

The way the things were so perfect and thoughtful...i felt the feelings that the person had for me.

However, I didn't feel anything for that person. At that time, I still liked my 3 year crush. Thus...I didn't like anyone else...

I felt guilty, wishing that these things were for some other girl and not me, for i have no feelings to return.

In the end, i gave those beautiful roses to my mother, for she didn't have any from my father. Furthermore, i couldn't accept those roses...so...i took those roses and made my mother happy.

I must say that...my sophomore year had been my happiest year. Even though my feelings were unrequited...i was okay with it, for i wasn't hurt. Furthermore, I had at least five guys going after me during that year.

But, I rejected them all. I stayed faithful...to a CRUSH o.o

I am faithful to the person i love now but...at times i wonder...if it would have been better if i had never dated him and just grew to love him from afar.

Maybe I wouldn't be so hurt. He may never know that i love him, and he'll be receiving gifts from me but...he won't find out that those things are from me.

Would it have been better to love him from afar? As a matter of fact, i don't regret loving him...i'm glad because i didn't know love until i met him. I didn't know that i was capable of giving true love; i didn't know how far i would go.

I realized that meeting him and loving him...i realized what my desires were...
I realized that rather than being disappointed to find out that he'll be having all these illnesses, i was...somewhat happy..happy because i get to take care of him.

*sigh* All i ever wanted was someone who will love me more; that way, i won't be crying and hurting...
I would be happy...so happy that in turn, i give the person back loads of love too.

Anyway...Valentine's day, huh?

"Don't worry, you guys will receive lots of roses and lots of love."

I broke down inside when i heard those words. It's not like I don't have a boyfriend...

I do...and...

yeah...