♥Daily Blog: It's Hard to Breathe

Today we went to eat ramen at a japanese restaurant. Shoyu ramen was good. The spoon was interesting.

He got me an umbrella. Very cute.
I got a pink usb cable for my piano thing.
We went to forever 21 to exchange.

Popcorn chicken and yummy tofu at this other place.

Home.

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I was asked a very interesting yet provoking question.

"What is love?"

I guess I'll be typing a lot..

Well, love is vague, but yet clear.
Love is perceived in many different ways and forms to each and everyone in the world.

I do not know everything about love, but I do know more about it from time to time.

Being with him has got me to realize several things about love...

First of all, you can give without loving, but you cannot love without giving.
See, he can give me so much but in doing so, he doesn't love me. It's easy to spend money on someone and let it go. Even though he has given me his body, his presence...

He doesn't love me. And I know I've been repeating myself over and over again, but..I'll do it once more. He doesn't love me because he doesnt care about how I feel. If he does care, why would he NOT change? He doesn't have love for me; thus, there's no feeling to motivate him to understand what needs to be change. If there's any love at all in his heart, well, he'll stop being with other women.

I love him, and I have been giving him time, giving him hope when I'm broken down. I love him, and I have been trying to be someone better for him.
Seeing that nothing really changes, what's the point in trying? He tells me not to give up, yet...why should I not give up?
All he does is just saying "Oh, don't give up."

Why? He's not going to change, he doesn't love me. And how many freaken times do I have to write that he DOESN'T love me?

He didn't even change his work schedule, and now he's just meeting up with me like...once a week.
I'm just waiting until he breaks up with me. All of this has been unrequited love. I realized it too late. OR, I realized it a long time ago, but I refused to think that.

He's not going to change, he's not going to change.
He doesn't love me, he doenst love me at all.

*sigh* He's with other women...

Sometimes...I honestly want to disappear.

He's not going to change.
He's not going to change....
I cna't deal with this...I can't deal with him not loving me to even understand the pain i go through from that one thing he does...

All the love that he and i have made...all the adventures..all the beautiful poems...the phrases...

I'm beginning to see them as bs. All lies. None of them were ever true. They were just there to gain love...gain love from me...make me feel loved at the time...

Then...when i actually do love him...boom! He hurts me and steps down on me as if i'm just dirt, serving a ground for him to stand on.

I mean...think about it...he doesn't love me at all...like...he's not even concerned about my feelings...he says he is but he's not.

If he's concerned about my feelings, would he have refused to understand and stop doing what hurts me?
If he's concerned with my feelings, would he have still work on Mondays?
Is there love at all?

Also, in real love you want the other person's good.
In romantic love, you want the other person.

So, basically...i actually do LOVE him for REAL. I love him well-roundedly. That's why I want his good. I love him for reals and...I really want to know if he loves me too...but seems like...he doesn't.
Maybe he just "romantically" love me and just wants me. That's just it...he doens't want me to be happy with him...he doesn't want me to feel safe with him...
Heck, he doesn't even want me to not worry. I mean, what the heck? *sigh* If he WANTS to be with me, he's gotta fix certain things.

If not, I'm just going to let this relationship fall apart. Besides, since he hasn't change..he's just going to flirt with other women and do so and so and what not.

Well, let him hurt me. Let him kill me inside. If he's willing to hurt me so badly by doing those things and refuse to change, well...now everyone can see that he doesn't even love me at all.

I realize that

The couple that fights the most is the one most in love...it shows they care enough to notice the other one screwed up and care enough to mention it to the person so he/she can fix it. When you stop fight it means you stopped caring.

REMEMBER THAT. I've told him to fix it so many times....so MANY TIMES and it's been over a year and it's STILL the same situation.

Dude! I AM going crazy.

Suddenly I want to burn his poems >:O i mean...i don't want to BUT everytime i read them...i don't even see that type of guy before me anymore.

Think about it. He doesn't care about my feelings and doesn't even want to fix anything to be with me.

Well, I guess i'll just let his philosophy class consumed his mind.

I've lost him already. Big deal. He never even wanted to be with me that much.

I give him love and love, reminding him..telling him to please please please fix this for me, for us.

But no.

THERE'S NO POINT IN WASTING MY BREATH ON SOMEONE WHO DOESN'T EVEN LOVE ME TO FIX ICHI THING :O

okay...i've been totally digressing my point.

gahhhh

and....one day a week now? what the f*ck????? how did he and me end up like this?

I tell ya...he was just being that romantic, poetic loving guy to gain love.

Then after he knows that i love him so much, he just turns around and laughs as I'm trying to be okay...-_-

If you love me, let me know. If you don't, please gently let me go...