He bought me a usb...
Got me tofu...
And then...he was about to get me the green hello kitty...a mirror...or two beautiful
pandas...
I couldn't choose so....now i regret for not choosing one..oh well...
This feeling I have inside me...this feeling i have right now...it's hard...
it's tough....
He gives me so much....
Maybe somewhere inside his heart, he does love me...but maybe...that's all..
.just love...not unconditional...not the love like he used to have for me...
Just love...a love that just sits there...not strong, but weak.
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Saturday, January 16
I was in a foul mood today...saying things in a tone that I was shocked to hear
myself.
I hope he can forget the foul ones, and remember the okay ones at least.
In the end, I did apologize...so I don't really regret anything...as long as
I realize my mistakes and stop myself to think what's he feeling....I feel fine...
Even though it was just a mood that was created out of pressure and the guilt
for time consumption, I think he understood that I wasn't normally like that so....
I hope he's okay. At times...he's in a bad mood too so....yeah...i guess it's
something that is completely understandable...as long as we apologize and
recognize...then the other person will know that you didn't do it on purpose.
Anyway...I feel so gulty that he was late for work....I tried to stop him...but
he wouldn't stop.
He was really nice to me today...
If today...is really our last Saturday...perhaps...even if today turned out different
and a bit not good....at least it is another day to remember for the rest of my life.
Suddenly I feel as though he wants to end it...not have to...but want to.
Perhaps he really doesn't want me...which is why he refuses to grow into a
better person and lover.
Deep down inside of me...regardless of the way i make my voice sound cheerful
and fine whenever i mention about "last day" or "ending"
I actually feel broken.
I just wish that he's the same guy...the guy who was determined to grow each
day...the guy who was honest and never hid anything from me...the guy who
shared everything with me...the guy who loved me beyond my imagination.
To smile and hide the tears each time I mention anything about "ending" to him....
it's hard to do but...i managed to do so.
Perhaps...the ending will be the end of January...
Maybe he will let me go...by then...i'll know if he still loves me....
Either he wants to be with me and fix things....or....he really doesn't love me as i
thought he did.
I just know that he's an exception to me for so many things....
He's sick and...I've been daydreaming a lot...
I actually want to be by his side.
I see him lying on the bed, lifeless. And then...I see myself making porridge with
meat, corn, peas, and other...
I would carry the porridge to the room, help him sit up, and then i'll feed him
spoon by spoon...blowing on each one.
Then...for lunch, i'll make his favorite...chicken noodle soup and do the same
thing.
Then for dinner, I'll just fix him clam chowder and make him an orange juice.
And if he gets a fever, I see myself soaking a towel in cold water, then dab it on
his forehead.
Oh yeah...
Today's the first time I felt this strange feeling...
Although loving him so much pains me most of the time since he doesn't love me
back and stuff...
Today...for just a brief second...I felt warm and happy...
I felt happy that I really love him....I get this feeling...the feeling of wanting to take
care of this special person of mine whenver he's sick, whenever he's hurt...
Just want to be by his side...
I just love him so much...
And January is ending soon...all the laughter and smiles (forced and unforced) will
fade away...
This month IS better than others...
I just need to enjoy...because...eventually...all this may be gone....
I wish...I wish...
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I spent three hours putting the parts together (:
