♥Daily Blog: The River

I stayed outside the black gate and cried.

Minutes later, I found myself slowly walking inside the neighborhood, and before I know it, I was heading inside my house.

My sister looked at me, and asked, "What's wrong?"

I just replied hopelessly, "Grandpa. Saw. Me. Suhwap meat." My mother was upstairs, so I didn't say "swap meet" right out.

I soon learned that my dad had gone to the swap meet this morning at 9:30 - the same time that my love and I took off.

Suddenly, I felt a bit thankful, and I whispered to myself, "God really is watching over me."

My grandpa saw me, and funny thing is, his grandpa was there too. But seriously, my DAD was there???

Dude, I was really lucked out. And what's even more strange is that a few minutes before I saw my grandpa, I was actually thinking about "Oh dude, what if I see my grandpa?"

Then it happened.

There must be a reason. As I'm thinking about it right now, I realize that bumping into my grandpa was much better than bumping into my dad.

I'll be in trouble both ways however...but the severity will be different.

All I know is, if I had not bumped into my grandpa and became overwhelmed with fear, he and I would have gone back through the regular way, the way in which there may have been a possibility that my dad would see me and him.

I was overwhelmed with fear, and practically ran. Because of that fear, I took a different route back to the car.

In a way, perhaps there was a reason to bump into my grandpa, because the fear rose within me, and triggered my emotions, which led my mind to go blank and took a different route back.

Now my only hope is that my grandpa won't say anything, which is impossible.

I was scared...and I cried even more when my lover said, "It's not even a big deal."

Clearly, he doesn't understand me. Same thing with girls, he doesn't think it's a big deal and just blames me for thinking that it is.

But who we are...is shaped by our perceptions. There is right and wrong, but everyone begins to go into the gray area.

So fine, it's not a big deal. Let me put it this way, seeing my grandpa may affect the future a LOT.
The thing with girls have affected me in a disastrous and dreadful way.

If it's not a big deal, then maybe he shouldn't be in a relationship. If he's not going to commit, if he can't find the better person in him while he's with me..then...really...

I guess...I just feel useless. I mean, I've inspired the guys I've rejected, and yet, I can't seem to inspire my lover.

I do wish that I can be calm like him whenever i'm in tough situations like mother finding out or etc etc.
I do give him props for that.

I am a strong person, but I am stronger when I have someone I care about to understand me and feel what i feel.

He is my weak spot. Love is my weak spot.


Well, I guess...if he wants to leave me just because I was afraid to the extremees today, then okay. I mean...I dono't really feel his love for me.

I was afraid. Too afraid.
It was January, and I wanted to make the best of it.

Maybe he's also right...that fate might want to make him and me to confess.
However, how can I do that when I'm not even sure where this relationship will go?

If I tell my mother, what happens when nothing improves and...the relationship is gone?
It's like...one minute i tell her that "Oh I'm dating Tuan" and the next minute I say "No more."

I guess...I want to be sure that the relatoinship is stable, and that it is heading somewhere.

I'm afraid to not see him during the last week of January. With no knowledge about the future of the relationship and with what happened today, I'm afraid that I wono't be able to be next to him during the last week.

He doesn't know the reason to why I went insane today. Little does he know, I care about the relationship a lot, and I care about him a lot. And what's worse is that I don't even know what the future holds for this relationship; furthermore, I'm already having so many things on my mind...and I honestly...care about a relationship that may or may not last.

Think about it.

To be cheated on, to be looked upon with no respect, and to be lied to...

and then...to still care?

I am indeed a little fool.
A little fool who despite of the things that her lover did to her, still cares about him deep down...

I'm a little fool.

=/ I've fallen in love with a guy who eats junk food and abuses his health...a guy who has hurt me so much...

Ironic, isn't it?

I don't want to change him; I want to inspire him. Furthermore, I want him to change for himself...

I want him to improve and understand from my pov based on his choice. He needs to want and desire to improve in order to be a better person and stay that way.

anyway, if he doesn't understand my outburst today, so be it. I was simply afraid...i was scared...

All my plans failed for senior year, and he doesn't even realize that.

Little does he know, I finished his gift while I should have been working on my song...therefore, i gave up talent show because i was working on something for him.
Little does he know, I didn't go to wf because i didn't want to without him.
Little does he know, I won't go to prom because he won't ask me.
Little does he know, I gave up my sleep (ahem, zero period) so I can have more time with him.

But does he appreciate me? The things i do for him...

All i really want is for him to be honest with me and love me like he used to...to have a want to be a good person...

lol

No, all I want is the person that I saw in him.