♥Daily Blog: If

Perhaps...

If only he knew my thoughts on the day of January first...

Just as I have recorded in the post that's two posts...

He understood me..

or so I thought...

After reading "january 1st pt2
post and" January 1st" post again...

I realized that...

the some things i wrote about him in the "January 1st" post...were things that I hoped to be true..

I realized that...

in "january 1st pt2"

I've woken up from the dream that i had hoped to be true..

How much more...must I punish myself?

I've humiliated myself in front of someone i love so much on the day that he planned to be special...

is that punishment enough?

Perhaps this is how life will for always treat me....cruel and tight...

i freaken felt bad...i couldn't help it...mother found out, and i was so afraid.

Even when i apologized...i meant it...i tried to be okay...

Maybe the problem was...he doesn't love me like he used to anymore...

I wish...the things that I thought he thought were true...

The things I wished he knew..hoped he knew...

the things that were written in "january 1st"

i keep reading it over and over again...

i keep reading it over and over again...

in the end...wasn't everything fine again..?

I woke up happy now i'm going to sleep in tears...it shouldn't hurt...love shouldn't hurt...

It's hurting me because i'm the only one loving with my all...loving freshly and like i've always loved him.

I want to trust him...but the words he told me yd...

the way he worded them..

at the time...it felt real, it made me feel better

but were they real? He apologized...but...i don't think....he really realized...anything...clearly...didn't realize all that...i had hoped he realize...

He's not going to apologize again...clearly this time..

If I tell him this...he'll be pissed...

If he only he understands what i'm feeling and thinking right now...

I just wish...he realized more...i just wish...

*sigh* idk. what am i thinking..

let it be...

it's okay...it's okay..really...

*goes back to working on the things for him...*

His bday is coming up...i need to make time to make more things for him...

I wish i have more free time...i don't want to delay anymore...*sigh* i wish i don't have to go back to school yet...

give me two more weeks and i'll be more content with my things for him...

i'm such a bad perfectionisht -_-