♥Daily Blog: A Hard Time

I'm having a hard time deciding which college I really want to go...

I've always wanted to go to UCI but...the environment there...ppl that are there...

I just don't want to go there anymore.

CalState Long Beach seems to be cool...

But no matter where he and I will go...
Girls are bound to be there....girls with no self-respect and needs to flirt with guys who are even taken.

And, I'm not being a hippocrite here but...
I'm not even sure if my lover has self-respect for himself too.

I'm so confused on where I want to go and what I want to do with my life now; before I have so much planned...now I realized that....it's harder than I thought.

It's really up to the person...

There are temptations, but with who I am, I don't let them affect me....unless...I actually DO want to be like that.

If he's not loving me and isn't going to find the good guy in him...

There really isn't hope for this relationship. Even if I give my all....the relationship will still be unstable, because he's not doing anything.

I'm not even sure where I want to go...

Everything I do...it's always around him...but...even though it's good...

At the same time it's bad because I'm stuck.

As long as nothing is settled and he really doesn't love me...
We're not going to accomplish that dream together.

I admit that I have daydreamed a lot about my future with him...how happy he and i will be...etc etc..
What can i say? I really love him and want to be with him.

But...if nothing's going to pull through...

How will that dream come true?

In a way...how can I say that he loves me? How can I know that he loves me...

When he can't even fulfill his promises...when he doesn't even think of me when he does things..
when he purposely hurts me....
when he doesn't care about how i feel...
when he doesn't even appreciate what i have given him and will always give...

when he won't even do his part...

how is that love?

so undecided about my college...
at the same time...
I feel sadder than yesterday...because....i'm another day closer toward the end of January...

anyway...i have to call him "tubby"
apparently...unlike the sweet couple i know...in which the guy got serious and called his gf "wifey"

i just stupidly initiated and called him "hubby"
and sadly...he's not ready.

lol...

whatever...last month right....oh well...kinda self-explanatory how i initiate something and....not only that, but

i can see that he's not serious about me anymore.

Then comes money issues...

He just leaves me there...

Perhaps he really doesn't want me.