♥Daily Blog: Ham Ham Pt.3

He was the sweetest guy I knew.

How can I forget you when you're always on my mind? How can I not want you when you're all I want inside? How can I let you go when I can't see us apart? How can I not love you when you control my heart?

I keep saying "Let's break up" and things like that, yet...I don't mean any of them. I guess it really pains me and...I'm not even sure...if what he and I have right now...is really a relationship.

I don't understand sometimes. Sure, we both made mistakes in the past...but I came around and tried my best to be someone better. I really did try.

I realize that my desire to be someone better is mainly because I want to be with him. But also, because I want him happy.
And I thought, he'd at least want the same.

It seems that right now...no one is cooperating anymore. No one is trying, one is exhausted.
I've been trying and trying, and the result I got was a withdraw of effort from him, the result I got was he cheating on me and lying to me...

Suddenly, the curtains pull apart, and I now see what I have not seen earlier.
I didn't do anything wrong...

Sure, I gave him a lot of problems, but one of the main problems was that he broke the promise - the promise of talking things through. The reason why more and more problems were added on top of one another was that he kept avoiding each one. But...why did he stop fixing?
Perhaps the truth lies in what I didn't want to believe.

He just...wasn't the same guy anymore. His values have changed.
The amazing guy I once knew...had values of trust, honesty, and love...
He also had commitment...
He loved me a lot and deeply cared about me, because every time when my feelings get hurt, he became sad and wanted to cheer me up. He was always concern about me and he made sure that everything can at least be okay before he leaves for the night.

However...from last September until now..I realized that....instead of cheering me up, instead of giving me love, and effort....
He walks away. He's no longer considerate of my feelings, no longer does he put any effort in fixing things. He KNOWS that his apology had blanks, and yet he left it unsettled.

I wonder if...the love that he had for me during the first months...I wonder if he will ever love me like that...

Or maybe...it's something that is gone forever. In the end, the person who ends up hurt is me, the person who does the most is me.

I also realize that...he may be fake toward me now. Outside...everything seems fine...but his attitude online is no longer the same.

Often times we say goodbye to the person we love without wanting to. Though that doesn’t mean that we've stopped loving them or we've stopped to care. Sometimes goodbye is a painful way to say "I love you."

Indeed...I said goodbye to him without wanting to...I know I'll still love him and that i had never stopped to care...
But it seems to be the only way to say "I love you" to him because...

He just doesn't seem to have that desire to be with me. He doesn't seem happy with me. Sure, we all have our ups and downs but...that's the challenge that all couples face.
What matters is whether or not the couple makes it to the end.

But this relationship I'm having seems to have shattered. It's not that I stopped trying, it's not that I don't want to be with him...

It's because HE stopped. I'm not sure why he is holding onto me when he doesn't want to be with me anymore.

I want to be optmistic and think that he really wants to be with me...

But from what's still happening...it just doesn't seem like it.

I knew I was nice and he knew I was nice.
I opened up myself to him and only to him...trusting that by allowing myself to be in his hands...that I will be okay.
I never thought that he would take advantage of the real love I have for him.
He knew I was hardworking...because I worked hard for whatever goal I set my mind to.
He knew that I am faithful, that I will not lie, that I will love him always.

But one thing he may not have known is that...
I will let go if what he's showing me means that he doesn't want to be with me anymore. I wouldn't leave him if he truly wants to stay with me...I wouldn't leave him if he's the amazing guy I once knew. I wouldn't leave him...if he loves me above and beyond...

Sometimes we tend to be in despair when the person we love leaves us, but the truth is, it's not our loss, but theirs, for they left the only person who wouldn't give up on them.
Right now...I'm exhausted...I've tried to much but...in the end...I received those horrible actons from him.

I suddenly feel like...there's no more hope because...it's clearly up to him...not me...
I've done more enough...and....I can only hold onto the small hope of him not doing the same things again...

You're the reason behind my smile, you're the reason for my laughter, and also for the reason for my happiness...because you've showed me what love is but I never thought you're also the reason for my tears and for experiencing the greatest pain that could ever happen me...

I wish you could look at me and see the person you once loved instead of the person you have grown to hate.
I am still who I am...but because I've been cheated on...hurt and been lied to...by someone whom I trusted so much...

I behave differently....while I silently hope that he can make amends and make up for his mistakes...

so i can have an easier time...improving...for him.
I never knew I could feel so much pain, and yet be so in love with the person causing it.

You never realize what kind of love you have, until you almost walk away from it; then it may be too late.
The amazing guy walked away...but is he going to turn back before it's too late? Does he even know what love i have for him..

Unconditional love is a beautiful thing.. untill the person you love unconditionally doesn't love you anymore.. Only then do you realize how much you loved that person and how much you have done and suffered and been through just to show that you love that person... now all seems worthless..

And that...seems to be my situation here...

But does he care...about the things I've gone through...just from the actions that he did...?

From smiles to laughter...I was consistent...

but he seems to be gone...a long time ago..