♥Daily Blog: The Color Dies

I got 100 percent on my quiz for Civics today. Too bad the teacher didn't collect it.

I've been finishing my homework before 10:30, and I've been trying to get 7 hours of sleep.

And guess what? I'm getting smarter lol.
Well...okay, just back to where I used to be.

I think I'm coming back...the girl in me, that is.

I've been organizing and writing in my planner, my calendar a lot now.
I'm a schedule freak, just like I used to be.

And now...I'm raising up my grades.

And I'm one of the two ppl today who got a perfect score on the quiz. yay.

I had a senior assembly today, and as I was sitting in the crowd, something hit me.

He was in the assembly last year too...and suddenly...I realized that...

He has been sitting with girls last year.
About one year ago from today, he was sitting next to a girl.

While I was waiting for the bus to go home, I realized more things.

His senior year...had been great...
He had me, and he and I have shared beautiful moments during his senior year.

However...for MY senior year...I don't have any beautiful moments with him; furthermore, I don't really have the amazing guy with me.
My senior year...is crappy.

Relationships tend to shatter when one goes off to college. I was afraid of that, but I had faith in the relationship. Yet, it turned out that his words were lies.

This guy I have now is not the amazing guy I knew. He's not the guy who sincerely feels for me.
What makes me think that a guy like him right now...will surely keep the relationship from falling apart?

It would be a miracle if he will really realize the things I want him to realize, and a miracle that he would find his way back.
But the chances for that are very unlikely.

It's not impossible, but it's unlikely...especially for someone who doesn't want to be with one girl, someone who cheats and lies...someone who, instead of being a better evolved person over time...becomes someone worse instead.

Not only that, but I've been patient with him. Sometimes I ask aloud, "What's with the past summer?"

Because after all, didn't he claim that he realized a lot? Didn't he sincerely apologize? Didn't he strive to be a better person and I have strived for him?

I have so much pain from the past, perhaps so much pain from the present (bc he may STILL be doing them)...

He's just going to say, "Deal with it."

Yeah, he's right. I have to deal with it because I'm the only one who even at least cares for this relationship.
I have to deal with it because he doesn't care.

I'm alone.

I'm alone now.

I suddenly realize this loneliness today...

Whether I suffer, whether I cry, whether I'm hurt, whether I try, whether I care, whether I love...

I'm alone in this.

And in truth, back then...when I say these things...he would care.

he used to hug me from behind.

Now i'm the only one hugging him.

I'm going to graduate soon, and this year...perhaps I will be graduating feeling empty.

All along, I tried to follow him even when he was ahead.
All along...I was consistent in finding ways to be with him in the future.

As a result from all the love, the loyalty, and hard work..

I received disloyalty from him, lack of love and care, and nothing paid off. Unappreciated.

I see myself walking alone now, therefore, I'm not sure what's going to happen to him and me. It's really up to him now, because I have done all that I can...and through suffer and hurt....I went through all that...
Can he see that I truly love him? I gave him room to fix his mistakes, I was forgiving, I refused to see the worst in him...
But...it's like...he doesn't care what I give him, what I try for him.

Especially with the result, I don't know.

I feel like...what's there to do? He doesn't care about me anymore, he's not the person I fell in love with anymore.

I'm leaving this as it is, and little does he know, I am giving him an UNSAID chance to him.

While he's on his break, if he cares at all...he needs to think about his actions, what he wants.

Because if things are unsettled by the time he goes back to school,

I'm afraid that there is NO turning back.

I have a reason to sound angry, to express my bad attitude

All the hard work, all the faithfulness and the love...

I've been treated...in such...an undeserving way.

Whether he understands, I don't know.

But this is his last chance. If he really wants another chance, then okay. But anymore mistakes, I'm done here. Because those mistakes won't be mistakes anymore.

Those mistakes are basically the things that he purposely do.

And right now, Im giving him his unsaid chance...a chance to think, to reflect, to change for the better if he desires to do so

Because this month is it...and if he does ask for that last chance...that will be his last...because from then on....
I don't want to worry anymore. I want to be loved.

Right now...his unsaid chance is to think things through, to fix things, and realize the things I want him to.

If not, once he goes back to school, there is absolutely no turning back.

I've told him some things that I want him to know, and everything else...I tried to tell him last time, but he rejected.

So now, up to him.

Basically, does he want me or not?
He knows that I'm faithful already and that I love him unconditionally.
He should know that...
if the amazing guy does come back and everything improves...he should know that i'll be bringing my inner self more out...

But in some way...I'm just tired now. Just silently waiting if he's going to do anything.

In a way, I'm waiting for his answer. The day before he goes back to school...what he does or doens't do...
that will be my answer.

money problems:

cd cases (cds are dying): $20
yearbook : $75
pretty necklace : $24
senior pictures : $200 ish
choir dress : $31
universals : $unknown
ap stats practice book : $18