♥Daily Blog: Dead Subway

I feel like im just lagging time...he didn't realize anything and....i'm willing to give him more time to think...
I hope he sees that i really love him and that's why...i'm still giving time...even when i truly know that it may not do anything.

Do not mistaken that this is my choice. He knows me fairly well on the part of my love for him. The things he do to me just...shows me that he wants to be on his own, just shows me that he doesn't want to be with me, that i'm only last on his list when rough times come.

I love him, but it's time for me to realize that he doesn't love me likke i think he does. Actions speak louder than words...and he knows that.

Think about it, if i were to just say "I love you" to him but then i lie and break all his morality values, how would he feel? If I told him i love him and then start attempting suicide again, how would he feel? If I were to say "I love you" to him and then text a gazillion guys every morning and hurting him on purpose, how would he feel?

It's like wanting money without having to work. It's like wanting trust without proving that you're capable of trustworthiness. It's like wanting respect and love while you don't consider the person's feelings and treat that person as if he/she is hopeless without you.

Yes, I love him. And there are a lot of guys out there, but i tend to withdraw myself and keep myself reserved for him; thus, it's hard for others to approach me. But i like it this way, because there's only one fish that holds my heart.

I want to be remembered as the girl who always smiles even when her heart is broken. And the one that could always brighten up your (his) day even if she couldn't brighten up her own.

I thought I was fine, but now, all these tears are coming out.

He doesn't want to do anything....

Nothing is settled, and this hurts like shit but...it has to be done if nothing is settled.

He and I together have created great memories.

I'm hurting inside, I'm hurting a lot.

He doesn't have love for me, he never did.
Accepting that fact is the second hardest thing to do.

He said "It's hard to please you."

Leave then...because he doesn't love me. If it's really love, it isn't hard....

A friend told me, "What you want is fairly simple. It shouldn't even be a want; it should already be there."

All I want is his true love for me...and he just doesn't truly love me...

If he does...he would consider my feelings before doing anything.
If he does...he wouldn't have done all those things...

I was forgiving...wasn't i....
Even when he did those things on purpose...i tried my best to pretend that they were mistakes when they aren't.

But clearly, he doesn't love me, for he didn't even have a clue about this month.
It was his last opportunity to fix things and apologize to me for real this time...

I'm just fooling around with myself....especially waht he did on January 14.

All that pleases me is having him...his love.

Yet all this time, I've been in a relationship where I'm the only one who truly loves, the only one who has been honest and faithful all along...
Never once have i intentionally hurt him....even when i tried to do the same mistake i've apologized to him, it was impossible.

An apology is a form of repentence. All he's ever done was lying to me, cheating on me, and treating me as if im his second choice.

He comes to me when he has no one, and then ditches me when he's back in school. I don't want to go through that pain anymore....For seven months...i gave him as much trust as i can even when he never earned it back
For seven months, i tried to improve myself...
Even when I found out the details, i tried my best to maintain my composure.

Lately, I've been overreacting and blowing up....this isn't me....I guess it's a mechanism that i use to express my inner painful emotions that i've been hiding inside.

Other than that...if things have been always okay, then i would be calm and just worry.

He told me that he'll talk about what happened on January 14th, but he never did. Furthermore, he said it was a late errand, which was a lie. It was planned that he would come that day, and he knew it beforehand.

Yet, he hid that info from me.

"Omitting the truth is a form of lying, did you know that?" the teacher said to the class during one of the readings.

For this past year, if I were to admit this sin, well that sin is lying. I've never lied to him, but by omitting the truth from my mother everytime i go out, i've been lying to her.

That's the only lie i've ever done for this past year. I feel terrible but....this is because i love him and i want to have a normal relationship with him.
I don't want an online relationship. I want to be able to go out and spend time with him. I trust him that he's not a bad guy who would kill me one day o.o

My parents are just authoritarian, and...yeah...

Everything i do, i do out of my love for him.
If he never intended to settle, he should have never asked me out. I remember that i've told him clearly before i went out with him...

I said something liike "My next relationship, hopefully it will be my last."

I was waiting for the guy to come, i was rejecting guy after guy...waiting to find someone whom i'll feel safe to be with
waiting for someone who will love me and give me a chance to love him too.

If I had known that he was the type of guy who lies his way through relationships, that he was the guy who would even lie to someone he loves, the guy who lied about his feelings...

I would have never gone into this relationship.

However, this relationship is worth it if he can actually grow from it. Love isn't hard....it shouldn't be hard....

It's only hard if love isn't there. If the way I think is that crappy, then i would have given up on the relationship when i should.

But i didn't. It was hard, it was a struggle to suffer from the unrequited love....

But because I love him, that unconditional feeling gave me an unconditional capacity to do things for him.

Loving him was never hard for me; dealing with his unrequited love for me was the one that's hard.

He should know that I'm going to settle things if he's not going to settle them. I've contributed in any way i can, but still, no matter what i do, it doesn't make a difference in the relationship.

After this break, he'll be back to school...and I don't want to deal with the same issue the third time anymore.

As a couple, he should have done his part. If he really wants to be with me, he would have reflected and say to himself, "Okay, a change needs to be made. I've done way too many errors, and she's been very kind to me in giving me room to reflect. I should take this opportunity to fix things, because I really want to be with her."

He jsut doesn't understand though. I honestly want to be with him, but he's not willing to understand me.

He thinks that i'm making the choice, but really i'm not.

It's because in a way, I'm asking him a question for these past seven months. In a way, i've been asking him.."do you want to be with me?"

At first...things seem okay...his answer points to yes, for he made promises and gave the feeling of security.

As September flew in, his answer points further away from yes and more toward to no.

He pursued others, damnit.

After January 14 happened, I realized that he will never change.

Wanna bet? If i had a thousand dollars, i'll be that amount of money that he won't ever grow.

Sounds harsh, but it seems true. Hopefully i'm wrong?

"So what you want is really this simple," my friend said.

Once he'll go back to school, he won't put any more effort into this relationship. He'll be flirting with girls, texting them, pursuing them to the point where one of them would ask me "Are you two still dating?"

I've had enough. Until this day, i have been forgiving. He either has an epiphany now, or he's going to miss out on me.

And I swear, he's not ever going to find another girl who'll love him like i do.
I also don't blow up usually...
I can assure that if he had improved a long time ago...

I would be as calm as a turtle, worry but maintain composure 99 percent of the time, and laughing as if i've been tied to a pole and something is tickling me.

Well, now i'm starting to think that no matter what i do...he's not going to love me.
It was nice hearing him say that he and i will have a baby later on yesterday.

I think those wondeful dreams that he and i have will come true if he actually settles things and make a decision now.

I dont really have a decision. Because all along...i'm questioning him...

And I

Just need his answer.

99 percent of the things he'd done to me have said "No."

I'm sure if he really loves me, something will be done.

I guess that's up to fate.

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My dog ate my sandwich today. I lost my composure right then. I cried.
I even lashed out at the dog, didn't hit him though.

My subway sandwich. The last food, the last subway sandwich that is given by my lover.

I simply cried....i cried and cried...

he bought me that sandwich...and the stupid dog ate it....

i kept crying...

It was the sandwich that he bought for me....out of his money....

I'm still crying right now...

i'l have to pay him back the money....that's the only way i can feel somewhat...at most 50 percent better...about the loss of a sandwich...

*sigh* i'm too sentimental...i guess that contributes to my love for him =.=

I really don't feel like myself lately....i think i should just...stay quiet...
i guess i was just throwing myself out there because...i wanted to live every moment with him...to express ALL my feelings...because one day, i might not have the chance to express it anymore.

How many more times do you need it to happen before you "learn"? Things that don't matter would not even deserve a bit of my feelings. This relationship matters to me, in every way.

I'm not sure where to go for college. If he indeed doesn't want to be with me (by that i mean that he doesn't want to be with me because he doesn't love me and consider my feelings), then i think i rather not go to occ as i've originally planned last year.

My future is unknown. Before I was so sure, mainly because I was SURE that the relationship will improve and that not only do i improve, but he also.

I came across my classmate's writing...how I wish i can feel what she feels:

i love that, instead of you sitting in your car or honking at me to come out--you turn off your engine and walk to my door to fetch me yourself.
i love that, instead of me opening the door to any car--you would rush before me so you can open the car door for me. i love that, instead of dropping me off--you turn off and get out your car so you can walk
me to my door... since the beginning of us.
i love how with you, everything is alive, even though it's not day one for us.

When will he finally truly love me? I don't think there's anything that I can do anymore. Even when i'm happy, even when i joke, even when i'm quiet, even when i try....
Nothing hits him hard enough for him to realize what i want him to realize.

Rawr. If he won't listen to me, something needs to be done to wake him up. Then again...maybe...i'm the only one who truly loved him since day one.

And the only truth I've ever known is when you're telling me your lies.