Darn choir carolling tm. Late start.
I can't wear my choir dress on the bus.
How is this going to work out?
I'll figure it out.
My last typed reflection. My last words. Five hours blogging. If I were to publish this into a newspaper of "modern and unedited grammar" version, I'd say...it's worth it.
I never thought it would be easy
Because we're both so distant now
And the walls are closing in on us
And we're wondering how
No one has a solid answer
But just walking in the dark
And I can see the look on your face
And it tears me apart
If it is really for the best, why are you and I in tears?
So it's up to you now, since I've done my part
That we meet in the middle on our way back down to Earth
We fell so far away from the way we used to be
Now we're standing and where do we go
When there's no road to get to your heart
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"Hard Time" -Jackie Boyz
As I'm listening to this song and reading the lyrics, so many dreams flood me. I guess in my dreamworld, if a guy really loves his girl, he would probably do what this song is saying.
Right now...maybe I should rewrite the lyrics as a way to release my sadness.
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Somewhere along the way, I lost you...my knight in shining armor.
I know...before...I was horrible...if he loves me like when he and i first gone out...AND those were promises were made and acted upon...
i think he and i will be drifting off to the land of happiness...
REading the old ims again...i've been so horrible....
I'm glad that in the end...no matter how horrible i was back then...
I'm glad that i've grown to be so much better...
in the end...i loved more
I wanted you to hold me in my sleep
I wanted you to show me what I need
I wanted you to know just how down deep
I wanted you.
==Excerpt from the introduction of my essay==
Often times people are unable to move on with their lives because they put themselves in the past. Moreover, they don’t allow themselves to move forward, for they find the past to be so painful and memorable; as a result, they become emotionally attached to what isn’t there anymore, and they refuse to let go of what’s holding them back. Unfortunately, when these people dwell with past memories, they often see everything else in the present with no importance, for they let go of everything because the memories overwhelm them. Robert Frost’s “Acquainted with the Night” illustrates how the past can take away a person’s faith and soul through several stylistic devices such as metaphor, symbolism and repetition. He portrays a haunting memory that consumes a person’s hope, further describes how the person gives up and allows the past to take away his or her present and future. Robert Frost illustrates that as one allows a disturbing memory to take over one’s life, he or she has given up on life and has let go on what is and what will be.
What I'm writing really contributes to where my thoughts are now. I have been in that situation for months; however, he made promises to me and relieved me from that feeling. I remember telling him that in order for me to feel 100% secured and believe his words...this will take one year, perhaps even a lifetime. But just as I thought, it was too good to be true. There is a reason for my insecurity even when he assurred me that I can believe him, for in the end, everything is gone.
The horrible part of the past still comes; as long as he cannot stay true to his words and promises, the part of the past still plays a role. However, new memories...new BEAUTIFUL memories were made soon after.
For once I can actually say that living in the past (referring to summer and the good times) keeps me happy, and I experience no pain. I never knew that I would feel this way about the summer. After all, I thought that what happened in summer marked the beginning of something better...
I can't believe that that was the best he and I could do.
I SMILE when I relive it, but I cry when I am in the PRESENT. Funny, right? Rather than crying when thinking about the past, I smile instead.
Sometimes one will only learn and understand something when something really happens...
The environment changes, we all will have jobs
And marry someday.
I'm willing to accept changes through life
Willing to accept pretty much anything Even when someone changes (we all do)
Either to be a better and insightful person or a slight change
I'm willing to accept changes.
Anything but..
If everything of whom he used to be...the better person he had grown to be...
If all that has disappeared
And he is no longer the same person...
When it comes to the point where he literally broke all the promises that CONTRIBUTED to the beautiful summer...
It's clear that the guy I once knew is gone. As I read old ims...I realize that...
He used to enjoy loving me...heck...
He loved me more than I loved him at first...
In the end, to sum up everything...
In the END, I am the one who has given love sincerely. My love never grew old. I would still do the same sweet things to him...even if I'm 80 years old.
That's how true love is supposed to be...to be refreshed and new always.
I would give all my possessions away if I can make this wish come true: to find that guy again...no...to see him coming to me..
I would trade everything...
for the warmth, love, and pure happiness with that guy.
To go back to summer...and walk together...to fix September, to undo October, to start over November...
All the mistakes I made...in the end...they have taught me to love that guy correctly.
He's an entirely different person now, though.
Even when he never reached "perfection"
He was my imperfect one...I accepted him for who he was...and I had faith in him that he and I will both grow...to be the best person for each other.
But here I am...I'm with a stranger...
It hurts, it really does.
Everything about him...almost so perfect...
If he truly loved me...if he were the same...if he were honest to me like he used to be...
If he were faithful to his words like he used to be...
If he were everything from before...
And perhaps a bit better (since he can grow to be better)
And there are no...girls...
He's perfect.
He took care of me in ways that...no other guy can do so well.
I love his promises so much.
But he's gone now.
'Till now, I'm not sure if I really mean much to him. Breaking promises...lying...I've known all this before...and yet...I tried my best to ignore...
To live on and be with him...
Yet...he continued to do those.
Many times...I don't feel...appreciated. I don't feel as though I'm any importance to him.
Yet he means so much to me...
The last thing I can really do for him is to show him 1/4 of who I really am. The ultimate thing I did was..
Sacrificing my happiness to give him his.
It wasn't that bad, though...since things were peaceful between us...even though..it was like living a lie...
Nevertheless, during the whole time...
I trusted him. Didn't question him that much. I lessened my insecurity, ignored the thought of him lying, ignoried the knowledge that the promises were shattered...
In the end, I realized that I wasn't looking at reality.
But at least now...
At least now..
I don't have to worry or regret about not showing him how much he means to me.
He means the world to me.
And if he really thinks about it, I don't think he can disagree.
To actually gave him what he wanted...
I didn't just say it. I didn't just bluff it.
I literally gave him what he wanted.
He's no longer walking with me..
He has changed his direction.
Maybe one day our paths will cross one another.
Maybe...
But...what do I know...? Since the day he (the amazing guy, of course) disappeared, I had been hoping to bump into him again. I had been hoping that he'll come for me.
Up until this day...
There's no sign of him.
All along...I had dreams about being happily married to him, getting to have him all to myself and giving him all of me.
Just me and you.
Forever me and you.
I dreamt that he and I would die together peacefully, with a slight smile and restful look on our faces.
I never want to live a single day without him.
I have one regret. That regret is about the things I did before summer. He was in love with me...
However...we all learn from our mistakes. I learned from mine, and I fixed just about everything...and contributed 80 percent of my improved self.
I let go the suicidal me. I let go of my childish ways.
Some things did happen for a reason, because...somehow...things led to him making those promises.
Summer was great. Oh so great. Though there were few problems, they were solved because he fulfilled that one promise out of many about talking to each other and solve the problem together.
Nevertheless, it was a HUGE improvement.
I thought that things will improve more and more.
After all, I realized my mistakes recently, right?
As I go back reading the ims, I realized that I'm an extended upgraded version of the Jen from back then.
It's really sad...
When I know that I can give him so much...when I know that if he loves me as I have loved him...
I know that..he and I will be one of the strongest and best couple ever. We would be an excellent example and model to everyone out there.
Love does conquer everything.
It's just...very disappointing that...
He left me here. I wonder where did he go?
He's so exposed...texting so many people...talking and hanging...
He's so exposed out there...
All along everything I do...I only do with him...
I just can't do this any longer if he's gone forever.
Even as I write...I can picture the worse of what's he doing.
But I can't feel the pain.
If he's so willing to hurt me, then he doesn't truly love me.
Simple as that.
I understand the way he sees it as...however...
It's instinct that I'm hurt by it. I just can't be okay..
with that subject...girls..
He made promises, has he not? Was he pretending?
If you cannot look at only me, if you cannot talk to only me,
How much do I mean to you? Do I even mean anything to you at all?
Is it so hard if I ask you to keep your promises?
Is it so hard if I ask you to be the same guy I love again?
Is it so hard if I ask you to be the same but improve from time to time?
Is it so hard if I ask you all this?
Because that's all I ask.
That's all I ask of you.
If you truly love me...those promises are not a sacrifice of your happiness. Those promises are filled with your love.
Is it so hard if I ask you to love me?
I sacrificed...only reason it's a sacrifice is because...
I have to accept his desire to break the promise of solving problems.
I wonder.
Was he unhappy when he promised not to talk to other girls? If so, then perhaps I'm not the girl for him. If I were, he will be too focused and enjoy talking to me only.
Was he unhappy to show me more affections?
Was he unhappy about solving problems? Solving problems...that will truly improve the relationship? So therefore, was he unhappy about improving the relationship?
Was he unhappy about doing so much for me? By doing so much and loving more than I love him, I feel so special and loved. So, therefore, was he unhappy about doing so much for me because I'm not really worth it?
If he had to live on this earth for the rest of his life and can only choose ONE other person to be with, who would he choose?
I just want him happy.
If those promises that provide blissfulness to the relationship...if those made him unhappy...
Then okay...
Just know that I even came to the point where I would even accept that broken promise...to give you less stress.
That's how much I care about you.
I noticed that in these last two weeks, we handled little things well-ish.
I'm glad to have seen you smile.
Since that guy is gone...
Perhaps I should let you walk alone..
to figure out if you really need me
What you really want.
Because even though I've tried to pull you back for the past weeks, you don't want to be with me because you won't even change back for me.
When that guy was here...everything...was just...amazing...
I know what I want and need already. But to love him so much and even showed him of what i would do...
I must set him free to figure out some things on his own.
I just don't feel needed anymore.
He's just not the same person that I once love anymore.
It took me until now to finally do what I have to do.
I realize that...if he really loves me..
And if I do this, he will come to me, and that guy will be back.
If not...then I've also done the right thing, because now I know that he doesn't truly love me.
Other things...I can stand...
But big things like lying and breaking promises...
Perhaps he needs to step back and reflect on what his values are
Reflect on if all the things that he had recently done..
Were those things really worth it...
I know I am strange, quiet, hardworking like a maniac
But...I truly love with my all...lying to the person i really love hurts me...
Breaking promises to the person i love hurts me..
Every once in a while...I make mistakes and hurt the person i love...
But to show that i really do care...i would take my time and reflect and accept what i know is wrong.
I would put him into my consideration.
I have told him...from the beginning...that I have a very fragile and gentle heart...
Don't take advantage of my niceness...treasure it...
I'm just someone...who finds that my responsibility...is to take care and love with my all...
I know who/what makes me happy at most...
but he needs to find out where he's going...what he wants...what he needs...
He and I share the same taste in laughter ish...
We're not afraid of each other's boogies
Or germs.
Kissing him...makes me feel as though he and I belong with each other...
As if the bodies were made for each other.
But...because i love him..
I need to let go...
I'm not afraid...bc things will come around if it was really meant to be.
I want to be with him, but...that guy is gone.
