♥Daily Blog: I Would Rather Do Something and Find Out that It was the Wrong Thing Than Never Know that It was the Right Thng.

I've been crying for about six hours today...2Am...then...

Somehow...I've stopped.

I felt...I felt relieved.

I didn't know what I was doing. All I planned was to talk to him at the park across from my school.

Just...when I thought things could get worse...due to my sudden crying in front of him...

something else happened.

First of all, I cried in front of him because I was so angry...angry that I could never succeed my plan. I was angry so much...because I was dying to do it...

But somehow...when things...when all things...started to get worse...

Something inside of me....made me say it.

I looked at him...straight in the eye...and...apologized. Then...I became nervous...

It was scary...to apologize...to confess...it was scary...but I knew that...I couldn't stop now. And suddenly, everything poured out.

And...I began to cry too....That's when I realized that...this was it. This was the last thing that I could do...to find my courage and apologize...spoke all my feelings.

And surprisingly...he cried too....I hope...it's not a bad thing...I hope...it's...a good thing....

Because...words...although my words are full of meaning...although i mean every word when i write...

Actions...still have the last word. I've...apologized...

I know...that...perhaps...it did nothing...perhaps...things will never be the same again...

But at least...I've tried...and I'm happy.

Because now...there's no more guilt in me. Whether if it was all my fault or not, I don't care. I know that there are things that I should take responsibility for...

True...I do want for him to tell me everything...but...i rather have him tell me bc he wants to...

i rather have him come to me...naturally...do things for me...naturally...

i can't force him. i want him to be happy to do what i wish he would do...

He tested me today....but...even if i knew he did, it doesn't matter. It has always meant so much to me...

By testing me, something's up. Why would he test me out of the blue? No matter, either way I would still cry bc we are not the same anymore.

Right now...all I can do is hope...hope for better days to come, hope that all of this will be worth it...

I went over of what I thought I could do. The email...was my last ray of hope...but no...it is my bravery...that is my last hope.

And...perhaps...it will fail...perhaps...

But...I've never been happier...I know that I've put every breath in every word, every love, every meaning....

all that I have said...came from here...came from my heart

And...if he won't accept it, then...there's nothing I can do except to hope silently. I've done all I can. I've done more than what I thought I can do. I feel so happy...because...I'm now empty...empty of guilt...empty of fault...

I'M FREE! Nothing to hide...he knows my deepest feelings now...

And...I was able to let it all out...

I've been feeling so remorse...until now...

I hope he's better now...he's been stressing out a lot lately....I hope...he can forgive me...for all those times...

I know...I want him to solve small problems...but...maybe i can never get that...and so...I must give up that...because i love him...even when i know small problems should be solved, that's just my perception.

His perception may be different, and if he's sincerely hurt from them, then I need to let him have his desire.

Because...all I ever want is his happiness...

And...I will prove it...through my very own actions...I've already done one of my actions...

Now...I just need to continue doing....never stop...the only way to succeed in something...is to have perseverence...tenacity...willingness...and PASSION.

Even when i receive nothing...to do all that i feel i need to do...gives me the energy to carry a small hope each day...may not be big...but enough...to keep on living with a smile...for him.

Just like today...I didn't know what I was doing...I just know that I wanted to say sorry...but I didn't know how to say it...I didnt even know what else to say...

It all came out...and...surprisingly...it came out right...

I have nothing else to say now...because...I am truly penitent for the things I have done...and to tell him all of them...to apologize...and to cry along with it...gives me the epiphany that....I have been speaking from my heart. There's nothing left for me to say now. I've said everything. I've drained energy from my very own self...but it was worth it...

Because...I would rather do something and find out that it's the wrong thing...than to never find out that it was the right thing...

I don't know...if what I did today was right...or if it was wrong...

but what I do know is...I've done something...that will give me a result...good or bad...I know...that i've given my all already...

For I feel so refresh....and I hope...that he has felt my feelings and realize that...I truly did...mean every word...that I'm truly sorry...that I truly...love him.

And if I ever get to meet that guy...that person in him again...I will never let that guy go...

I sincrely hope...that he and I...can apologize when something is wrong...sometimes...we might be on the brink to do the same thing again...but...if the bond is truly strong...if the bond is instinct, then....we can always...forgive and though we may not be able to forget...

It's best to forget. I truly love him...and I will never give up on anything...because...one wil never know...what he or she may get...the next time around...

To give up...one may never know what he or she will be missing the next time around.

It's true...he and I do have a good level of tolerance for each other. We love each other (well okay, i love him)...flaws and all...and we each inspire the other to improve...

And...I just found out another thing in this darn astrology thing:

You both mix career and love well. In this case, your aims and goals should be compatible, and each can be a source of power or inspiration to push the other.

I do not know what the result is...

But I'm so happy...I feel so free...from all these faults...I guess...it's rare to say sorry and actually mean it so much...and I'm quite proud...to be one of those people...

My complete honesty...sure contributes a lot to who i am...and i hope...ppl will see that i mean every word...and do not question me further. Because I can't prove anymore...besides my virtues.