♥Daily Blog: Day Two: Extended

I have torn down the wall for you, and now I find myself rebuilding it with tears.

"A real gentleman wouldn't ask a lady for her money. Even if she offered it to him, he should turn her down. That is, if he really loves and cares for her."

I don't know what's going on with my mind now. The studio plan on Friday...was never part of my "Budget" plan.
I need to work...soon.
But, I need to do what I need to do.

He's planning to give me the G1 cell phone I've always wanted...this is...unexpected.
But what does this mean?
Is he back? If he's back...then it makes sense that he would fulfill the casual saying of "I'll get you a cell phone"
However, why do I still feel empty? My mind may believe that he's back, but my heart disagrees. After all, it's just one casual thing out of a lot others.

Promises that were made out of love, remorse, and realization...
Every single promise is broken. Even worse, he knows it and continues on.
He's not coming back. When he's back...I'll know for sure...
But chances of him admitting that he's breaking all the promises..hanging with girls and lying to my face that he's not and is keeping his promises...

Chances of that is slim to zero. Therefore, he's not coming back.

I have two decisions to choose from. But sadly, there is no BEST decision. Each decision leads to something bad about it.
If I decide it, I need to think about if I would regret it. However, thinking now about whether I regret it is different from when I actually do it. But...nevertheless, it does give me the feeling of how things "might" be.

I'm spending all this money for a reason. I know that he is no longer the guy who would pay for everything, but I'm willing to accept this, because...

I've already accepted that he's not coming back. Thus, I need to create memories that I can hold onto.

I am looking forward to spending Christmas with him. I am looking forward to celebrate his new digit birthday in January.

But I am not looking forward to Valentine's day. It's a day for all lovers, and he has treasured it. But November 1st was a day for just him and me. It was special, but he did not treasure it.
So why would I look forward to Valentine's day now that he's gone?

After all, this November has given me a lot of opportunities to think. It is nothing like last November's.
The anniversary was NEVER celebrated. He wasn't thrilled either. But I don't blame him.
The status has changed, and forever it will stay without me. The bracelet is gone, and forever it is lost.
Furthermore, what happened this month has given me...
a lot to think
A lot to learn

But most of all, it has challenged my soul and who I am.

They say there's more pleasure in loving than being loved, but do they know how painful it is if it's unrequited?

I don't know anymore, because every time I ask you a question that requires your heart, you turn away leaving me in the dark.


Another Foreshadow to my Future Post:

My love is limitless.
I walk with him, he walks with me.
But I will not follow him when he walks without me.