♥Daily Blog: Black Night

As I'm sitting here in my room with my night lamp on, hearing the roaring cars running by, and seeing that the world is completely in shadows tonight.

No sign of moonlight, no sign of light. Just darkness.

And other than my nocturnal hamster running on the squeaky wheel and my quiescent sister lying on her bed, I am alone in my own thought. All the little noises are hiding in the background now. I can only hear them ever so faintly.

It is only the darkness and I right now. Just the two of us.

Unlike the majority of the times when I express my thoughts and feelings based on impulse, right now is one of those times when my thoughts are lucid, and I'm trying to seek the hidden meanings in the depths of what has been happening lately.

I've been crying black tears for three nights in a row already.

I hear words all jumbled up inside my head, seeing random images that I can't seem to grasp.

I long for the core and have been longing for almost a year now. Half the time, I patiently waited; half the time I took action. I have tried to balance all aspects of life. "Patience is a virtue," they say.

But "...being able to take risks and grabbing opportunities is a gift."

So far I have tried to live my life to the fullest, cleaning it up when it became messy.

Every month passing by since the end of summer is getting worse. I have tried to do the same good-old things and the act of trying hurts.

I don't know if I should cry (though I'm already crying), but all I know is that I have been trying. I honestly believed in him. I truly want to believe in him as of now. But he makes things just....so hard.

What's the point of him making plans when he breaks all the ones he and I had?

I don't know where he and I went wrong, because the bond between him and me used to be so strong.

All I want is love, for him to be good to me.

I want to be with him, forever just him and I.

I've been trying so hard. I've become more aware of the level of my voice and my temper. I have tried to speak to him gently, fighting to be the one who wants to compromise and be the peacemaker. Instead, he has begun to yell at me more. And I confess - deep inside, I have always longed for him to be the peacemaker, the one who cares about us in every aspect.

Even though that hope has never brought about anything to reality, I have tried to do what I would want him to do for me.

I still call him (even though I have called many more times than he has called me). I have called whenever he's not home yet, I have called when I just wanted to hear his voice. I have continued calling despite my growing disappointment that he doesn't love me as I have hoped to be loved.

I have kept my words. I have tried to deal with the lack of attention he gives to me as his special person in his life. I have tried to deal with the fact that his homework was far more important that the struggles of emotion that I have about him and me.

I have tried to be smile, to sound cheerful, to sound okay so he wouldn't worry. But at the same time, I have become slightly more disappointed, for he just doesn't know me well spiritually. He cannot see through this facade that I'm using to cover my sadness and concerns. He cannot see that I'm trying hard to let him to just be happy with his life and to not deal with me.
At times I have a propensity to wonder if he does see through this facade, and if he does, he's happy about the fact that he doens't have to do anything and ignores me even when he does know how I feel.

I see myself living in a cave trying to dig my way out. Just as I'm striving to reach the daylight, I'm trying to reach for his core.

In truth, I feel extremely gulity whenever he buys me things. I notice that I tend to be disappointed when I don't get the things that he "said he will" get me. But I'm not disappointed about not having the things themselves; I'm actually disappointed that he doesn't follow through what he says he will do. All this time he may think that I'm some spoiled wanton, but if he has a good insight, he can see that I really trust him.

But to see that he doesn't follow through his words, my feelings become hurt. I despise lies and deceit. I've been honest with him all the time. I have always loved to talk to him and have always enjoyed his company regardless of some quagmires every now and then.

He is my best friend, and I love him more than as a best friend. Perhaps I've been using love repetitively so often that I'm beginning to grow sick of it. But anyway, I see him as my lover.

I love him more than anything else in the world. He is my other half, and I am completely vulnerable to him. However, I have trusted him that he would never hurt me.

I turn to him all the time. Back in the summer, he would stay up late trying to settle the troublesomes between him and me. He really cared about us, and he really cared about me, for he didn't want me to stay up late and thinking about things that shouldn't be worth thinking about so much. He was very in love with me, and like every fortunate girl, I become very happy receiving his uncondional love at the moment.

I gain strength from love in general, but the most strength I gain from is his love.

I don't want to live in fear; I don't want to live in a state of insecurities.

The unconditional love of the person I choose would give me courage, dreams, and happiness.

But, even now, I am incredulous that I'm still trying to receive unconditional love from him.

Whenever things become rocky at night, nowadays he would just ignore it and say that he's tired of it.

But from this he is only focusing on himself. He dares to tell me "not this again" and how he gets headaches and implies to me that I'm the one making a big deal of it. Yet, his mind is so narrow. I am not a drunk girl. I don't mean for things to turn out that way during the night, but I can't help it. He has never once sit down and tell me, "Alright, let's talk about yesterday."
He's evading the uncomfortable situations, and then he upsets me by saying that I'm the cause for all this.

But has he ever taken a big step back and re-examine himself? He can complain and yell at me so well, but he fails to see that if he had really care about the bond between him and me, he would be responsible as a gentleman lover and clear things up whenever the chance is available.

If things had been cleared up, and he had tried to clean the little mess and clarify things, would I be so hurt?

Perhaps he doesn't know this, but he is showing me the true nature of his complete and unconditional love by taking responsibility to keep things smooth between him and me as much as possible and by honestly being concern over my health and what I go through rather than buying me things to show me that he loves me.

Buying things for me is more of an extra in addition to the first part.

Because, heck, things can be reached, but the loving doing of a lover cannot be reached. It can only be given out of true love.

But after seeing that he's been ignoring all the time and making me feel bad of myself, I hesitate from time to time whenever he says "I love you." I'm not sure...if he really does.

I really wish that he and I can go back to those good times, to go back to the way we were in the summer. He was so honest, faithful, and I just admire those improvements of him so much.

I was overly joyed, and I felt special.

He gets me frustrated in a way that no one else does, but he is the best guy I have ever met.

He is weak for a guy, but he will get there.

But aside from that, I'm afraid that I am not the girl for him. The decisions he choose to do over me, the way he ignores how I feel or to even care or to even solve anything is telling me that "You're not the girl for me."

But as for me, I have loved him with his flaws and all. I do want him to be a better person...not for myself for the most part, but for himself.

I would do so much for him, and many times I see him taking my unconditional love for him for granted.

I don't know what else to do. He doesn't know how I feel or what I'm trying to accept. His headache meant more than my headache. His sleepiness meant more than my silent crying.

All i want is a lover to be good to me.

All I want is simply uncondional love...his unconditional love...

I wonder...

What does it feel like to be loved more? To have that special someone's full attention?

How does it feel to give all that I can give...and to be surprised that someone else can beat me with showing what real love is all about?

I wish he were in love with me.

Because I just love him so much...fighting hard to accept...that this unconditional love...may be unrequited...fighting to accept that he just doesn't care about me.

To care is to be concern. He isn't concern about how I can't sleep at night because I am bothered by unsolved things.

I just want to be loved...in a way that I never thought would be so wonderful.


The sounds are coming back to me. I can see a dim light out on the streets. I am back.

I am back into this world.

And all of this thinking...this typing...are not from impulse.

I am..quite proud of myself...that I can finally organize my thoughts down.