♥Daily Blog: The Hopes Flew

It has never happened to me before. I was the worst singer in class. I was left standing to sing alone. I wasn't loud enough.

I am no singer. I heard myself clearly, yet I don't understand why the class eliminated everyone else except me.

Keltner looked at me, disapproving.

I don't quite understand. Teachers usually are okay with me. Either they like me or they're just okay.

But....this year...ever since the end of last year...teachers looked at me in a whole new perspective.

When will someone tell me and convince me that I'm not a bad person? When will someone take a stand and be yelled at and later tell me what he's thinking...because once I know I did something wrong, I would feel horrible but at the same time surprised for he allowed me to do all that's necessary.

But it wasn't like that.

"I don't understand why you're stressing yourself over this."

My lover does not understand what I have gone through and am going through.

All my life...I just want to be loved in a very special way. I want to be understood without myself explaining. Sometimes I can't even find the right words to describe what I want, what I need, and how I feel. Sometimes...I wish I don't have to say anything and have that someone to say "Say no more. I know" and shows that he does know.

Even if he didn't know what to do....he didn't even want to solve anything at the same time. At least, that's how I see it as...

"You have a strong intuition about people," Ms. Carroll told me.

I guess I do.

I refrained myself from crying. I can't cry in front of him. He will just leave me if I had let it all out. I know...that I should be able to cry in front of him and not be afraid of what he will do. However, in this case, my crying is annoying to him.

I don't think...he accepts me as a sensitive girl.

I try to be strong, but I'm just lying to myself.

He caught me by surprise today during lunch. I was...surprised...not sure if I was happy or not because...I was still mad at him.

But he came.

Though I had hoped that evrything will be okay and that he would set things straight out, instead, we didn't have much to do. I wasn't happy while eating. His kiss...was good...but the way he looked at me, his gestures...

They were different.

He talked to me, and he didn't seem happy. The way he looked at me...his expression...wasn't a good sign.

he didn't set anything straight out. Even when I denied to talk to him about what's on my mind, he couldn't see that this whole matter was really up to him. I wanted to talk, but I couldn't. I didn't know what to say and I was afraid.

He simply just ask it out in the open, and after i responded, he just took it and left it.

Things got worse...

While he drove me home, he didn't talk to me during the stops at the red lights. He didn't talk to me nor did he touch me and say anything. No, he stayed silent and left me there.

I don't feel...like he's interested in me anymore. He didn't smile when he was with me...he wasn't kind....his attitude toward me...was a bit cool.

To make matters worse, while I tried to talk to him when he got to my house, my neighbor walked back and saw me. He just turned back though, with an indifferent expression.

He saw me.

And I panicked. So many things happening today...I couldn't handle them...and then...I suddenly wished that i didn't exist.

I am invisible in this world, and when visible, people look pass me, ignored me, hate me.

I wasn't loved completely. And all this time...whenever they talk to me, no matter what...I always reply with a small smile and in a polite manner.

yet...they treated me differently.

I realized that...summer was just summer, that the paradise I once saw was now gone.

We didn't hug when i got out. He wasn't happy with me...

I wish he knew that I'm happy with him...it was just the environment...that is pulling us apart...

But...there was something different about him...

He didn't smile, he didn't laugh. He looked tired.

Is he tired of me?

We didn't hug.

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