♥ Daily Blog: "Things Just Happen"

I find..."things just happen" a type of excuse...

Sometimes...things do happen...beyond our control...but...many times...I try to make sure that my life is my life. When I want something, when I yearn for something, when I know I can do something...I'll reach out for it...I'll devote insane amounts of time in it...I'll do unbelievable things for it.

Many times things don't just happen.

One thing often leads to another.

Because of my love for him, I'm trying my best to let go of what makes me happy so he can be happy. It's hard...for both of us to be completely happy if he's not willing to cooperate.

What I have learned up until now is that...

Though many times mistakes have happened in the past, sometimes we have to look at the problems that brought us to failure in the first place. We should try to avoid those problems again by fixing them. This time we have an advantage because we know what the problems are. It will be stupid and a waste to not use what we know to create happiness.

As I have noticed in the past few days, the only one trying was me. I've been down in the dumps for these past few days because I was trying to be postive...and all I could see was he taking advantage of what I would do for him...

As I've thought about things last night, I've decided that this is where I stand. This is something that I cannot control. I cannot control making us perfectly happy. I can only contribute. I cannot control who he is to make me happy (though I wish he can be the core that I really want). It might be boring if i wish something for every single part of him, thus...I just want the core...but this is who he is...i can't get that core in a way where he would love it too)..it's also not natural...and it's better if he has different qualities from what I expect...in a good way where i would like them more over other...because who knows...I do not know everything that makes me happy. Better to have suspense and joy from unexpected things. But those are extras...the core is the most important of all.

but so far...I can't get what I want.

However, I can control the little things. All I can do now...is giving him the best day of his life...I don't know who I will be by then...but...I'll give him that best day....and I'll show the real side of me being happy and that will be it.

But I cannot lie to myself that everything is okay...and thus...I'll need some time to change who I am after that....I need to hide my emotions without leaving a trace. I need to be able to withstand the way I have no one to have confront from. It is alright. Changing myself is the best way...to make it easier for him. I do not want to see him stressed out...and I do not want to risk anything...I am afraid. I am still haunted from the painful memories of the past. Strangely...they are memories ONLY from the months of April to June.

And...the another most important thing I've learned now...is that...the time it took for the past relationship to break....will also be the similar time it will take to heal this current relationship...

But...maybe...it might be too long for him...and who knows...it takes two to make it work...but I'm alone on this...and the quickest solution is to take action on my own and change who i am.

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One day...I want a house just like hers...with decorations like hers too...i absolutely love this theme...i wonder if i can clone her whole house one day...of course...i'll add in my elliptical exercise machine in place of that poker stand...*sigh*





i love the clothes she wear too...esp. what she wore for these videos...yup...my dream house...and my dream furniture...

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looks like the last day I plan to spend with him is a bit ruined...it's shorter...more limits...but...i'll still work on changes on who i am so he can be happy...esp. on that last day.

forgot why would parents not be home for that week -_- a busy week...packing...etc. ugh

anyway...best to stay silent...besides....

he's being so devoted to this business...that my days...and everything about me...especially my feelings...do not matter to him anymore. he doesn't have time for anything now. even when he does ask some questions...he's just asking them to get them out of the way so there's no guilt later or whatever. he's not concerned. cannot read me.

changing who i am won't affect him. he'll be happier knowing that he doesn't have to take time to know me anymore.

already..his work...his business...it has taken all of his time...his strength...

i'm just someone whom he comes home and talk to and need someone there to help him when he needs help. that is all.

the way he speaks to me...the words...the choice of words....there is no care anymore...starts to come out strong as i crawl back to my shell...doesn't even hurt to tell me what's going on...even for just five seconds...how is he going to be sued for five seconds late...

he doesn't have time to understand how i feel and doesn't want to take the time to see what he can do.

so...i'm doing the right thing...with this decision.

i've known it all along...who loves more in this relationship. i've known it all along. he'll only seek to prove it wrong if he really does love me. if not, then...i am right. i've known it all along.

no matter whom i may meet...love will always be a burden that i have to bear...i'm not a girl to be loved and adored. strangely...i'm attached to love...and i want to have somebody to love...even if my love will make the other person lucky...and even when my needs and desires will never be fulfilled.

i am a girl...who gives love...and sacrifices her happiness...

i'll always love him...even if i have to go through...the fact that i'll never find someone who will find my emotions to be the center of his life...

beyond my control.

i'll just smile...just for him...he doesn't have to know how i really feel anymore...i don't want to interfere with his important career factors.

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Suddenly...a voice in my head tells me...

Stop crying. Look at your mother and learn. He doesn't care i you're crying. He doesn't care enough to do anything. He has other things to do. He doesn't have time for any silly girl thing. Maybe if the guy actually loves you more and cares for you with all his heart and strength, that's a different story. But look at who you have now. Look at your situation. Stop crying. He doesn't care if you cry. He doesn't care if your face gets those ugly wrinkles from crying. He doesn't care if you'll get grey hair early like your mother did due to too much stress over her lover. He doesn't care. And he won't care when your heart finally does get a serious disease like your mother developed over time.
Stop stressing. Stop crying. He doesn't care. He doesn't care what will happen. And by then...the only person who is really hurt is you.
You wanted someone who will understand you and find you important. You wanted someone who loves you very much.
But that's not going to happen and it isn't happening.

So STOP hurting yourself because he doesn't care. Look good and foget it. He doens't know who he has and what he has. In the end with your situation, the only person who can take care of you is yourself.

Accept that fact. It was good luck to meet him and have him, but it looks like you're one of the majority who has to pay a big price for that luck. Your love is meant to be good...but maybe you've done something wrong in the past that has created bad luck on love and now you will always love that person and will never be loved the way you want to be loved.

It was good luck...now you have to pay for it.

And even if he does care for you later on, what can he do? Your grey hair will continue to grow, your face remains wrinkle and ugly and old, and your sickness cannot be healed.

Accept this life of yours. He doesn't care. Go convince yourself that and just let him be happy with his career stuff.

And if you plan to change yourself, just go. If you love him...and if you really do...and since you're willing to sacrifice your happiness, I have no comment. Just know that he doesn't care if whether you're really okay with this decision or not.

As long as he loves me and stays loyal no matter what....it's okay...even if his love for me...is not to the point where how I feel matters to him.