I also watched Pushed today. Very good movies.
I was borned to be a hero?
This is not about becoming a super hero... but you were born to help others and put others in front of your needs. You are caring and that is your biggest strength you will do really well in those field where you have to help others.Hm...music and books should help emotional needs...teaching should definitely help too...
I took another quiz and my maturity level is of a 25 year-old D:
Jennifer took the How much can you love someone? quiz and got the result: With 100% of my heart...
o.o
Despite how I was picked up, the date was awesome. He and I got lost on our way to the beach, which I didn't know that that was our date. Anyway, I would consider it as an adventure. So eventually, we took Beach down to the beach. hm..I sure know my directions well.
But neither of us brought a camera -_-
Oh well.
So we found ourselves a parking place, which was only free before 9 o' clock. Nevertheless, we walked to the beach and enjoyed ourselves. We went to the pier, and I sat on his lap.
Then, we took our shoes off before we got to the seashore. The stroll was okay. We soaked our feet into the cool waves.
It was kind of interesting about the way we were dressed. I wore a short black and grey dress while he wore black pants and a tucked in white collar shirt. Totally not prepared for the beach...but...he was dressed professional and I think I matched him today with my dress, so basically, he and I were in it together.
We then spent some time under the pier. I love the extra privacy there, the shade with sunlight on both sides of us, and how he and I lay there. I actually like that moment. Then, we took another stroll. If we had more time, perhaps he and I could have walked around the entire beach together. But oh wells.
When I wanted to put my shoes on, he just wiped the sand off my legs and put my shoes on for me. I was a bit surprised at first, and I didn't know what to say except that I love him. He is really sweet.
I like romantic places, but they're no good without him. I like to stroll, mainly because I had him there beside me. Being under the pier isn't so terrific, but it was amazing because he was there with me. I realized that it doesn't matter how romantic places are or how exciting activities can be....romantic places are only romantic if he is there with me...activities aren't as good as they appear to be...if he isn't there with me.
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Sometimes, I wish some things are like before again. By things...I mean...the good things.
I really love him. He inspires me to be expressive, but I realize that when I reveal my true self to him, my hidden self never comes out right, and as a result, he doesn't seem to be happy or pleased.
I love his eyes; his eyes are just so unique and mesmerizing. I love his scent; it's a drug for me. I love his body - arms, upper body, lower body, all. They combine to create a body with a warmth that I can't resist not being around it. I love the way he laughs, the way he smiles, the way he's initiative, and the way he takes care of me.
He's truly an undefined guy; there aren't enough words to describe him. He's simply the star that I want out of gazillions out there.
I'm trying hard not to point out things that are negative, but it's quite hard. Then again, even though I point them out, I soon forget them and leave them behind me and instead, I recall the good things I remember and enjoy thinking about them.
But...some things that I love from before are not here anymore.
He didn't seem as happy, as eager, as excited after he asked me the second time around. It was different, and I can't help but feel a little regret, a little sadness, a little anger, and a bit of sorrow.
Things did happened unexpectedly. I never knew that I would fall for him this deeply before. When he asked me out the first time, I just went with the flow, and I kept my boundaries up, for I was afraid to lower them down since I didn't want to be hurt from the past. But...suddenly, with his showering of affection for me, I grew fond of him more and more. I never planned to fall in love with him, but I did, and I'm glad that I did and still am.
Thinking about those good times in the past makes me laugh, smile, and at the same time, cry. I wish things didn't get out of hand and that he and I have understood each other and did what we both wanted like the present. But...we didn't know...and it got out of hand...and we didn't fix it. Now that we did, is it too late? Because this second time around didn't seem as special as the last time.
Thinking about these things makes me feel so angry at myself, so sad, so morose. Now that I love him this much, things are different. I love him more. Before, he likes me more.
I remembered when he asked me out the first time, the words were beautiful....they carried the meaning of "forever" due to the phrase "be mine." And right after that, he asked me what my id number was...he immediately updated his buddy info...showing that he's taken and loving it. To my surprise, he updated his status on ms. All of this happened right away. He was eager...he was happy...he was truly happy....the next day....or sometime afterwards, he wrote something for me to put on my ms profile...he wasn't afraid to let his peers know...furthermore, he wanted to show me off...and I felt...special. He did all of those before I did...his feelings for me were greater...they were clearly greater. I never felt so loved and so special in my whole entire life. The more he gave me his feelings, the more I returned and the further I fell in love with him. I decided to just love him freely...because I finally found a guy/man who loves me too.
As I think about those special times, I can't help but cry. I'm so angry at myself. At the same time, I can't help but smile with a bit of sadness in my heart. He was truly, absolutely wonderful. A dream came true...many of my fantasies came true...all thanks to him. He was very charming...a magnificent lover.
The second time around was completely in contrast with the first time. He used the word "girlfriend" and maybe it's just me...but...to me...it carries a temporary tone...a temporary voice. It wasn't fancy or dreamy like the first time. Furthermore, he didn't appear to be as eager, as excited, as nervous like the first time. I came home with a bit of excitement...heck...the moment I realized that the day was July 1st...the moment I carried a little hope for whatever...I was...happy...joyful...excited...it was the feeling that a girl cannot wait for the guy who holds her heart to finally ask her out.
I came home, went online right away, but he wasn't on until later.
I know he had things to do, but I had things to do also. However, what he did on that day was special, and I simply just signed on. I was eager, excited, and happy despite the little disappointment with the words he used. However, the moment I saw that he wasn't on until later, I suddenly felt that nothing happened. It was just like any other day...actually...it was worse. If it was really our eighth month, he didn't seem happy or pleased about it. The way he talked to me was less happy, less loving...simply...different. There were more pauses...less talking...I checked his buddy info 11 times. Nothing. I checked his ms profile six times. Nothing. There was no sign of change...nothing....and that was when I felt as if something really didn't happen. He wasn't excited...nor does he seem at least happier. Nothing changed. Nothing. And there's no turning back to fix anything. Furthermore, perhaps he prefer it this way.
And today...he didn't really like, care, or want to look at the reflection of me and him on the store windows. He used to love to look at the reflection of us...even when I shy away...he would pull me close to him and make me look at the reflection. He used to compliment how good we look together...he admired the reflection of us together.
But..not anymore...based on his reaction and actions today.
And now I question myself..."Does he even want to be in an official relationship with me? Is it too much for him? Or does he prefer to just see me, no relationship, just a partner?
I feel so unspecial. I didn't feel special like last time. I don't even feel flattered. I love him so much and knowing that his feelings for me aren't as before...aren't as strong...aren't as carefree....with no fear of showing his love for him...with no fear of simply giving me affections in public...no fear...knowing that his feelings aren't like these anymore...I feel....lost.
The one thing that I tried to aim for was not accomplished. I even put my wish on that piece of paper to put in the cute jar he bought me. Nothing. It didn't come true...it can't even come true now...
And if I mention all this to him, there's no point because it might not be natural...it's complicated...if he suddenly does things, it won't be natural because it's not like before...he didn't do them yesterday. And if he doesn't do them, I feel an empty hole inside of me even though it's natural.
Everyday, I would wait for him...can hardly focus on doing anything...just kept looking at the time...waiting for six o' clock and then I would be so happy knowing that he'll be home soon.
I feel like...ever since i love him more, he's the one receiving...and suddenly things that I miss him doing to me aren't being done anymore.
What can I do?
Nothing. There is simply nothing I can do. This is how he feels about me now...he just doesn't seem as happy anymore...
It's July already...I'll just give him smiles and happy tones while I can...
I don't feel like he deserves me.
For me, it doesn't matter if there's someone better out there for me. He's the guy I love, the guy I gave my heart to, and the guy that I feel comfortable with. Even if there is a perfect person out there, what's the point if feelings aren't mutual. I simply love him. I just do. Sometimes I dont' even know the main reason to why I love him. I just do.
Perhaps there is no main reason because...
I love him for all...all of his sides...
~jen-jen
P.S. I just realized that I want a new phone and perhaps need one too. I almost slept through the alarm today. Ten minutes left on my phone....how am I going to pull it off...
