♥ Daily Blog: Guilt

"Whatever you do, don't take it. You didn't accept it, did you?"

Besides my mother, now L is telling me the same thing.

*sigh* I rejected it many times. He insisted on it.

Then I picture myself and how I would feel if I really gave him something and asked him to take it. I would really do want him to take it.

But perhaps...with money...I shouldn't.

Looks like I'll save up and pay him back in cash. I mean, if he got me a gift card, I'm ok. But money? No.

Why do I feel that taking it last time...was bad...it's like...a bad omen or something

Could it be that he might backfire me one day and say things like, "Oh I got you this and gave you money to spend. Now you have to pay the price by blah blah blah."

.........

I don't know now. For me, giving things to people doesn't matter to me. No matter how much I spend, it doesn't matter.

But then...if someone gives something to me, taking it makes me feel bad...but rejecting it makes me feel bad too because the other person might think that "oh you don't like what i give huh"

....

no...

ok, here's the plan: somehow, someday, i'll pay him everything back. right now i owe him like....300 bucks? mk...someday i'll pay him back.

i guess...maybe L told me this is because...she doesn't think that he and i will be forever...anything can happen...i understand...

but...she should know that...once i have my mind set on something, nothing gets in the way...

i guess...she just wants me to wait until a guy will come and love me the way i want to be loved...

*sigh*

eh...it's complicated...i mean...if i were her...i guess i would want the same thing for a friend i care about.

I wouldn't think that the guy would be good for her if he had hurt her so badly...

L has been there for me...through all those suffering times...I guess she just wants me to be happy...

little does she know...i think i found my soul mate already...

not every girl can have her happily ever after...

sometimes...we just have to accept what life gives us...

and if he truly loves me...maybe...just maybe...someday i will be loved the way i want to be loved..

someday...maybe it won't ever happen...maybe it will...

no expectations