♥ Daily Blog: Down-ness

I woke up today and a thought hit me right away.

Now that I thought about it, he didn't seem happy yesterday. We took walks and took pictures, but he didn't seem thrilled. Furthermore, I now realized that I could have been truly happy if he was really happy also.

I remembered those days in the past where he wanted to take pictures of him and me. He even suggested that he and I should take pictures in the first place. Those were the days when he was really happy....he was happy...in love with me...and I could see that based on his reactions.

But now...he doesn't seem as happy as before. No...he wasn't happy. His happiness wasn't the kind of happiness that I saw back then. I wonder why...

Now...the topics that he and I discussed...are...different. He's quiet nowadays...we used to talk about movies, anime, etc. We talked about all kinds of things, and we would laugh and smile.

But now...it's different. I was happy yesterday...but after thinking about some things...my mood for today...is...the opposite. He doesn't seem happy.

I feel stupid too. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to be good at. I'm slow, clumsy, and simply plain dumb.

Perhaps...maybe that's why we can't discuss a lot of things anymore...lol...i even mentioned about me not being his best friend many times...he never countered it...I'm right then....

Usually, when I hear something that's totally wrong and not true, I would counter it right away.

But..he didn't counter anything.

I'm not sure what to discuss with my career. I can't help but have a strong passion for music. I've recorded songs using something that's similar to a tape recorder...if only I could write music down in a blink of an eye...but I'm not talented.

I loved to sing when I was two, and I kept singing and singing until now. I loved to dance when I was a little girl too. I could act, decorate, and create.

After taking so many of those career tests, the result was always MUSIC. Why can't I have a passion for something that is "proper" and "acceptable?"

Being a teacher was my next passion.

I've always asked myself, "I don't know what I want to be. I know that I know what I want to be, but what should I be?"

And Mr. Z's voice will come into my mind as a response, "Pursue what makes you happy for the rest of your life. If you're happy, you're likely to help others in a loving way. If you're cranky, you're not going to enjoy helping people. Pursue your happiness."

I remember many things that Mr.Z has taught. It may be a spanish class, but his philosophies are magnificent.

I wish...my former close friend is still my close friend. I really care about her, and she and I have helped each other through many struggles. My first suicide attempt was helped by her. She offered me her place if I ever decided to take a break from my own family. I remember helping her with her math and keeping her company. She once told me, "I really appreciate this friendship. Other people would leave me, but you don't. People tend to judge me, but you don't. You're the best friend anyone can ever ask for."

My lover...was my best friend too. He was there when she left me, but in the end, he left me too. I'm not his best friend. I was. But lately, he never said anything about it so clearly I am not.

She and I used to talk about our careers. Instead of asking me questions or ask if there's anything else I might have interest in, she focused on helping me to make me feel secure in pursuing what I love. She knew my love for music. She knew that that's what I love. I wish she is here and help me through my struggles right now. I have no one.

I thought I had someone...but...that side of him isn't here.

I really miss the cheerful and gentle side he had. I really do. He would listen to me and stay focused. He would respond to me every few seconds later online. I was...quiet...usually serious.

But...now...I don't feel like myself anymore. I feel like I have to talk more to get him talking. I feel like I have to take initiative many times now...and I don't think that's like me. I talk more...but...for some reason....it doesn't feel right.

My former best friend had found better best friends now. I'm happy for her...surprisingly...she pushed me all the way down from her top....

I feel like I have no one. I don't need many people. I just need and want one person.

If my former close friend was still my close friend, she would be helping me finding a job right now. After all, she has a sister to drive her around and hunt for jobs, while I can only take the bus, and it's not pleasant to take the bus. I would be having a summer job right now.

I used to have someone to talk to whenever I cry. She would calm me and help me feel better. I talked to her about my problems at home, and she would understand. She would tell me about her own problems, and I would listen.

We would do some crazy things together...things that we both would laugh at ourselves. We do wild things sometimes, and we didn't care what other people would think because those things were special to us. It was our own little thing of enjoying the simplicity of life.

I inspired her to become strong. She once told me, "You're a very strong person. If I were you, I wouldn't know how I could live with it. Yet, you can manage to handle school, your inconsiderate family, and rejections? How can you be so happy on some days even when everything in your life comes crashing down?"

She inspired me on learning how to not let teachers' bad remarks get to me. We both inspired each other a lot.

What was my junior year supposed to be? My grades went down when I didn't plan to.

I sacrificed my club meetings, but I never got a single appreciation about it back. Of course, what's there to expect?

Everything's clear now. I wasn't his best friend...

I'm pretty much right for choosing not to take what he says seriously. He once told me that he's planning to work at least 4 days a week or so (?) and now...he's working all week.

I'm not even sure if he's happy.

There's something different...

~jen-jen