♥ Daily Blog: Signs

Sometimes, as much as I want to smile, as much as I do smile, there's always a little emptiness that takes place in my heart.

As I'm in the present, there has been many times where I would sit, look at him from a distance, and wonder, "What would it have been like if I had not been so negative at first? What would it have been like if we both had recognized our flaws and attempted to fix them to make the other happy? What would it have been like to be with him right now? Would he be sitting behind me now? Would he and she be friends? Would he and I be doing the cook off together?"

Many times I blamed myself; many times I was angry at myself.

But now I realized that there is no need to blame myself anymore, for I have done all that I could.

Lately, although I believe his words, there's a struggle that I can't seem to solve.

What he does in second period illustrates another thing to me. This is the picture that I see, and this is something that causes the little emptiness within my heart.
Apparently, he chooses someone else...something else before me. I am merely just a background person, or so it seems. Though he tells me that I'm still the most important girl in his life...why doesn't it seem that way during class? Furthermore, being the most important girl in his life...isn't much unless I'm also the only girl in his life as well...

So why do I feel afraid and insecure?

Another thing...though I try not to think, some things just can't be looked pass so easily. I buttoned up his shirt for him today, and actually, I've done other things as well. I didn't plan on doing any, for I just do them without thinking. However, I noticed that I took off and put on my jacket on my own. I buttoned my clothes up on my own. There was no kind gesture nor any attempt that showed me that his feelings for me are the same.

So in reality, regarding to second period and recent signs...I hesitate a little.

Furthermore, I appreciate how he has taken the time to answer my questions, but...it wasn't a lot.

The thing is...even though he's not a writer, it's still possible for him to take the time, think, and write all that's on his mind.

After all, he has written me poems and letters before...

Yet...all those times when I sat down and write to him...sometimes I wonder...if I really deserve only simple answers in return...

And he has homework...I understand that...but...for me, somehow and someway, I always leave time for him.

Another thing...if I haven't asked him to play Speed with me afterschool, would he and I have hung out at all?

So as one can see, even if I shouldn't think too much...there are things that are worth to analyze, especially the things that make me feel uncomfortable, insecure, and uneasy.

Still looking for other signs...

At least this week is great so far...lol

:]

hm

~jen-jen