♥ Daily Blog: Passing By at 1AM

Okay...so...this should be my last blog for the day...eh..what the hey...this thing's like a brief diary...when there's a thought...i'll blog it.

There are less than too weeks left of school, less than too weeks that I get to see him for the whole day.

Once school ends, I won't be able to see him everyday. Once school begins, I'm going to miss him more than ever. To make things worse, the tiny wall between him and me may still be there...

I'm going to miss the way he walks me to class, the way he would come by my locker, the way he would say, "Have a safe trip home." I'm going to miss seeing his face everyday, his smiles, and his presence. Hearing his voice is the closest thing to touching him. I'm going to miss his voice and our conversations.

There is one pain that I often feel, which he will never know. This pain...is caused by his absence.

lol...I'll miss him most when I'm sad, I'll miss him when I'm lonely, but most of all, I'll miss him when I'm happy.

Though he'll always have my heart, I'm afraid that I won't always have his...

I'm so afraid and I'm more afraid knowing that there's a tiny wall between him and me already...

I'm very much afraid.

I'm going to miss his hugs. I'm going to miss a lot of things about him and the little things he and I do together.

lol...but...I'm going to expect the worst to happen while hoping for the best to happen. So if the best does happen, it'll be unexpecting; and if the worst thing happens, I won't be too shocked.

Each day I will hope that he'll come to realize that life is short and that he should take the chance while he still has the chance to do so. After all, stressors will never stop coming. The important thing to understand is that...no matter what stressors come, there will always be a medicine around the corner. A medicine that has no formula. I want to be that medicine for him. I want him to be happy, even though I'm not completely happy due to the fact that there's still this tiny wall between him and me.

But...I'm going to take whatever chance I have right now...while I still have chances...while I'm still alive...while he's still alive...while school is still in session. I've done all I can to let him know my thoughts...and now it's time to see how much he wants and needs me.

I'm not going to end my school year with any more regrets. While everything's good right now so far, I'm going to try to maintain it. I'm going to continue to pursue this good feeling and more.

I told him this before that I've seen my flaws. But I wonder...if I can't fix them, will he still love me for me?
But then again...I actually want to fix my flaws. I can't be perfect but...I hope I am his perfect person. Though it would be more than awesome if he wants to be my perfect person as well...I can only hope for that.

Watching Smiling Pasta reminds me a lot of things about myself.

"Just smile, and there's nothing you can't overcome." This was my motto back then. If there's one thing that I can better myself with, it will be my negative side.

I know for a fact that I don't have to examine every flaw I have, because I only want to delete one flaw of mine. Deleting that flaw will alter the other flaws, resulting in better outcomes.

But...even though I want to improve myself, I really hope that he can accept me for who I am, flaws and all.

After all, instead of telling someone to get rid of something, ask that person if he or she wants to get rid of it. If he or she does, help that person. Don't make that person do it alone. If there's true love at all, true love will pull it through.

So..I can only hope now. I can only hope that he'll change his mind and alter his perspective that there is no need for this tiny wall. I can only hope that he won't keep me waiting any longer. I can only hope.

As I continue walking without any knowledge of what will happen, I'm going to show him that I really have found myself...and this time...I have grown to be better also. I'm still who I am. I will still easily feel insecure, I am still curious, and I am still analytical. I am still crtiical as well. However, the degree for those traits have changed. I'm merging my positive side with my analysis. If I criticize, I criticize because I'm worried. I'm not going to criticize in a way to make him feel low and hurt.

It's hard for me to not assume, but I'm not going to come up with a conclusion and stick with it like I used to.

I am still who I am, but this time, I found my core and I've learned from my mistakes. I'm not being better for him only, but rather for myself...for the sake of my life...for the sake that I want both of him and me to be happy.

So...while he and I can still see each other...I want him to see that what I have told him is true...

But...I do admit that I don't really like it when he's off with friends. *sigh* Didn't he say that he was a loner? Ehh...the good thing about falling in love with a loner is...you can be the one and only for that person. It only takes two to make life worthwhile for one another.

Wow...I see lightning and thunder right now...ehh it's late.

Well..I'm going to continue to smile and be happy with every second I have with him. I can only hope that a miracle will happen...lol more like miracles not just a miracle...

but anyway...I need to smile through my internal tears.

Just when it's getting good
I slowly start to freeze
Just when it's feeling real I put my heart to sleep
It's the memory I can see
Then this fear comes over me
Understand that I don't mean
To push you away from me

Why am I so afraid to crash down and lose my heart again
I don't know, I can't see, what's come over me
Why am I so afraid to break down and lose my mind again
I don't know, I can't see, what's come over me

You got a way of easing me out of myself
I can't stay but I can't leave, I am my worst enemy
Please understand that its not you it's what I do
Just when I'm about to run I realize what I've become


Now I wonder what you think of me
Don't know why I break so easily
All my fears are armed surrounding me
I can't get no sleep
I keep running in circles around you
Are you the trap I wanna fall into?

Afraid


(: jen-jen