♥ Daily Blog: Nevermore

I never cooked with him before. Even if I will someday and somehow, I will come after.

I remember the time when he told me that he and I will cook together, just the two of us...for chem at the end of the year.

And look what has happened?

Though he has done many things with me, I don't feel the feelings he has toward me. I don't feel it. The way he talks to me, the tone he gives me...they're not the same anymore. He talks to me like he talks to his friends. The tone he gives me is the same as he gives to others. Sure, he may do different things with me, but....the side he reveals toward me is the same as the side he reveals to others.

There is no doubt that his feelings for me have changed. He didn't look at me or tried to make eye contact with me during the cook off. Nothing.

The guy who loves me isn't there. He's not there anymore. He's only appearing to someone else. He isn't there anymore.

He is gone. The guy who has left himself vulnerable to me isn't there anymore. And...if he is gone...if this is how it's going to be...I need to erase that side of him from my mind. I need to erase the guy who initiated because he couldn't wait for me. I need to erase the guy who used to love me a lot. I need to erase....

As much as I want to publish this one novel about me and him...I might have to leave it unfinished. I need to erase that side of him from my mind someday. He's not coming back. He's not going to open himself toward me, unprotected. The guy who was quite romantic, enjoying giving hugs and all types kisses...the guy who would go home and eager to talk to me...he's not here anymore.

And I miss that guy so much. I don't like this situation. I don't want to be the one who's loving anymore. I've given too much, and it's all unrequited. He's not an affectionate person anymore...nor does he want to go out with me. Who am I to him? I can't sense his feelings anymore. He's never going to come back. I've lost one of the most important person in my life. Whoever that guy was...I'm glad he was revealed to me. It's the self that was revealed because he truly has an interest in me. He was sure I was his "one."

But who is this guy right here? He doesn't love me like before, and I'm just one of friends, and nothing more. I appreciate the things he has done, but I don't sense his feelings for me anymore.

I need to erase that guy I once knew. I only wish to forget...for I have grown to love him too much right now, and I don't like it. I feel like I'm his back-up. For once, I don't want to be the one loving...I just want to be loved...I want to be loved like before...but...there is nothing.

Without that side of his, I'm facing the side that I never wanted to face...

Even worse, I now look at her...and I would see myself in her shoes...the way he used to treat me...the way he talked to me...

I can't stop crying. I want to forget everything now...the good times also...I'm hurting too much right now...wanting someone whom I have once had...seeing that someone....enjoying himself with another person...he doesn't love me or have interest in me...enough to be impatient to be with me...

My head hurts so badly now...