♥ Daily Blog: Insanity

I have nothing more to say about chem and psychology.

I'm pulling an all-nighter tonight.

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I feel as if I have failed. I'm not succeeding in school as I have planned, nor am I succeeding in love. I'm not a perfect daughter, a perfect friend, or a perfect girl. And even when I am imperfect, I'm not accepted.

I've lost most things. And now, there's a higher chance that he will not be freely open to me anymore. Things can only be the same if you want them to be. I'm the only one trying. I'm the only one wanting things to be the same.
As the end of the year draws near, I feel an empty hole inside of me grow bigger and bigger.
It's not going right, because I'm loving him too much and I'm being loved too little. I'm leaving myself vulnerable to him still; I'm leaving myself open to him and only to him. Yet, as much as I'm hurt, I refuse to close myself. But now, I'm so afraid. I'm so afraid to be expressive now. I'm so afraid that if I speak another word of my thoughts, everything that I'm working for will disappear.
But I don't want to work for this anymore. This isn't right.
He's not going to look at me the same anymore, even if I look at him the same again. I truly love him, but he doesn't truly love me. He just either loves me or likes me.
Sometimes I wonder why I fell in love with him in the first place, for every night, there's a tear slipping down my face. If I am to be so hurt and damaged inside right now, I rather not love at all than to know what love is. So, this is love, isn't it? I become truly happy when I have all of him to myself, when I know that he's loyal to me, and when I know that I'm all he really needs. On the other hand, I suffer in a depression when I don't have him, when I don't have his heart, and when he's happier without me. Is this what love is?

Absolute love, determination, and loyalty are all that is needed for a relationship to become permanent and long-lasting.

I'm giving up many things for him and me, and he keeps wanting more and more. What has he done for us? Knowing that I get hurt everytime I go to chem, he continues to do what he pleases, disregarding my feelings. Love. Is that love?
All along I tried to smile, being my old self. Yet, he doesn't look at me the same way anymore, doesn't talk to me the same way anymore, and isn't around me like before now.

I'm the one waiting for him nowadays. I honestly don't want to love anymore. I honestly don't want to love anymore. I'm practically begging God to take this emotion away from me.
I'm not appreciated by him. He's not going to fall for me naturally anymore.

If only I can go back time...so I can enjoy the good old times...

If only he truly loves me too....